Will someone please tell me what the hell is wrong with my ass?

Not to sound too earthy, but goddamn, I am torn up. I actually showed up to work this morning, and I was so friggin' miserable they let me go home. They say cancers hold everything in their stomachs. No shit. How about the stress, the food that I over-indulge in, and when I have a moment of intuition, I feel it all under my ribcage, like a sudden elevator drop. Compound that with this weird bug I seem to have contracted and well, you do the math.

I am extremely nervous about tonight and the bitching party. I have no idea how this is going to play out. And I'm going alone.....no Satyr because he's stuck in Dundalk for the weekend. And no Bear.....

We talked last night, and a lot of things came to light. I do not want to lose our friendship.....I mean for what? I'm not ready, and won't be anytime soon, to bite off a piece of this situation. As a friend, I have all the trust and love to give in the world.....in a relationship? I seem to have only tail to give....and maybe a little insight. Bottom line, I don't trust anyone right now, particuliarily myself. So I wouldn't be fair. I just know it.

As for the party, I need to see what has been affected. Grrmly came into work yesterday for a moment, and nervously yelled across the kitchen with that voice that cuts through ice, "Hey, Kir! How's it goin'?" And his black eyes just pinned me. I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing at all after that point. Even the little stoner boy, Jack, was waving his hand in front of my face, asking what had me so zoned out. So that leaves me nowhere. I know Adam pulled the party together for a reason, that's very obvious. Neither of us really knows the other's story, and apparently both of us are on the threshold of feeling really foolish. After thinking it over incessantly, I've decided my best bet is to take it at face value. We both needed a tension release, and well, we got it.

A little history lesson: Weeks ago, when I first moved back here, I went to the new store that I work in now, to see my old boss. He wanted to give me my old job back, so I just strutted right back into the kitchen like I owned the joint. I helped set up that store last spring, so I feel like it's mine. I hugged some of my old buddies, Phyllis and the crew, and then met some new ones.
Standing by the phone, looking at me from the corner of his eye, was a VERY BUILT, dark, smooth-faced guy. A little shorter than me, and there's no use trying to hide that I find that appealing. After chatting for a few minutes with everyone, I turned to leave when I heard, "Kir, right? I've heard a lot about you. I'm Mike." Strong little monster hand clasped mine, and I felt that Szzzut of energy like when I met Ry or Angela. Robert, Scott....the list goes on. I'm learning to listen to those little shocks of electricity.
That night, I asked Satyr who he was. "Hot, isn't he?", Satyr asked, "Yeah, wouldn't have minded getting a hold of that myself. You and those Italian boys. Yeah, he has a girlfriend, but that's okay......I want you to meet my brother. I can't wait to see what you'll think of him.....", yadda, yadda, yadda. I had gotten the information I needed. Mr. Mike was totally off-limits. "It doesn't matter that he has a girlfriend, you could fuck him anyway....I mean...." No, it does matter. I DON'T DO THAT. Besides, what the hell do I have to offer, anyway?

I don't know. I don't know if this is going anywhere or if it's stopping right here. Does it matter? Not like anything could come of it right now......both of us are licking some deep wounds....at least from what I know of his story already. So, I'll just put on my best 'I don't care' smile and roll with it. But that starts tonight. I just hope both of us can put down our guards for even a second so we can be friends and get to know each other. It would suck if that chance were already lost.

One other thing, on a totally different subject. I have scheduled a day off Wednesday, so I can go warehouse shopping. Satyr said he found a really great air matress for me....oh boy, won't that be just like old times? It's that, or the hammock Adam found in a catalogue for me. It's rad! It's made out of parachute material and holds 240 lbs......so that means Windi would have to keep sleeping alone. Sometimes, I think I need that.

I miss Dunedin a lot today. I miss falling asleep in the hammock out back, under the stars and mosquitoes, with Hank licking my face, Ry playing his bass on the bench, my brother talking shit as usual, and Kash's voice creeping into my ear from the phone tucked under my chin.

Hey. Wish me luck.