I was so ready to give up on the idea I've held so close to me since I was only a child. The idea that
the movies weren't all crap, that the books weren't just
decorated words, and that there was a chance in this world to actually find love and happiness and all that cheesy shit. Not to say I haven't experienced all the wonderfully terrible things that many associate with love,
heartbreak, and the other emotions that seem to tumble into your lap when least expected, it's just that I simply figured those times were long past.
The plan has been for me to move in with my boyfriend for some time now. A guy that is perfectly wonderful, patient, understanding, smart, and enjoys many of the same interests as me. A guy that I've had no feelings for in return whatsoever that has ever gone beyond friendship or
just plain sex. The plan is for me to move in with him today.
A week ago this was all fine and good. I felt okay about it. Maybe I wouldn't have been as happy as I possibly could, but it might have been enough. And yet this past week I feel nothing but a deep betrayal in my heart, as if
I'm living a lie. As if this is so wrong I can feel it so deep down it hurts so bad to be
twisting my feelings into shapes they aren't meant to be in.
I awaken each morning anxious to talk to somebody I've known for quite some time online but have only recently talked to on a more personal level. When I fall asleep he's there in my thoughts. But I'm not stupid. I've done the whole
online relationship, I've met masses of online people, and I realize it's more than likely
a passing infatuation. But what it does make me realize is I still am able to feel anxious to talk to somebody, that the emotions in me that I thought long dead are still there, waiting to surface. That for the few days he's awakened things in me I thought were asleep, I've been in a world of
bliss where things actually look beautiful again.
Funny, really. I thought my days of chasing the
impossibilities was over. I thought I
wanted them to be over. But I'm not so sure anymore.