I was so ready to give up on the idea I've held so close to me since I was only a child. The idea that the movies
weren't all crap, that the books weren't just decorated words
, and that there was a chance in this world to actually find love and happiness and all that cheesy shit. Not to say I haven't experienced all the wonderfully terrible things that many associate with love, heartbreak
, and the other emotions that seem to tumble into your lap when least expected, it's just that I simply figured those times were long past.
The plan has been for me to move in with my boyfriend for some time now. A guy that is perfectly wonderful, patient, understanding, smart, and enjoys many of the same interests as me. A guy that I've had no feelings for in return whatsoever that has ever gone beyond friendship or just plain sex
. The plan is for me to move in with him today.
A week ago this was all fine and good. I felt okay about it. Maybe I wouldn't have been as happy as I possibly could, but it might have been enough. And yet this past week I feel nothing but a deep betrayal in my heart, as if I'm living a lie
. As if this is so wrong I can feel it so deep down it hurts so bad to be twisting my feelings
into shapes they aren't meant to be in.
I awaken each morning anxious to talk to somebody I've known for quite some time online but have only recently talked to on a more personal level. When I fall asleep he's there in my thoughts. But I'm not stupid. I've done the whole online relationship
, I've met masses of online people, and I realize it's more than likely a passing infatuation
. But what it does make me realize is I still am able to feel anxious to talk to somebody, that the emotions in me that I thought long dead are still there, waiting to surface. That for the few days he's awakened things in me I thought were asleep, I've been in a world of bliss
where things actually look beautiful again.
Funny, really. I thought my days of chasing the impossibilities
was over. I thought I wanted
them to be over. But I'm not so sure anymore.