I cut my nails today. They were grown to the point of immanent violence
, a length ensuring deathly pain to any and all who accidentally crossed my path. I had already informed one person of his death to come by the nails of a girl – my first victim, if you will. He was honored. Perhaps he will feel even more honored when he learns of the castration of his would-be destruction. But then again, maybe not. He did seem to be pretty excited to watch me try to take his life with all but ten nails on the ends of ten very long, bony fingers without the strength to lift all his 240 pounds from the floor he so lovingly trod.
I donned the beautiful and brand new lavender tank top I purchased from Express a few days ago. It’s quite revealing, but the temperature called for nothing less than almost naked. 96% nylon and 4% spandex. Quite comfortable once you get past the horrid, ghastly shoulder bumps and killer collarbones (see my homenode for more details on that). If only I could hide my deformities instead of delighting in them.
I learned today that Yahoo! is beginning to delete its growing collection of pro-anorexia clubs. I felt a pang of loss when I first discovered this, followed by an overwhelming sense of relief. I’ve often frequented these places, posting anti pro-ana statements and sharing my personal history with some of the girls on there. I’ve actually received a substantial amount of e-mail and interview offers from reporters doing stories on this “sick new trend” on the internet. Janelle Brown, a very nice lady from salon.com, used some of my responses in an article she published:
…To be sure, the collections of posts and pictures in the pro-anorexia
groups are, if nothing else, clear proof of how detrimental the
cultural cult of thinness is to the delicate psyche of a 14-year-old
girl. Each club has a photograph of a stick-thin model as an icon --
never mind that many of those models themselves have eating disorders
and drug-addiction problems, and certainly are no happier than the
teenage girls who aspire to be them. As one girl poignantly posted in
the "Always Anorexia" forums, "Seems like nothing in this life is
ever easy ... except for those super thin models we're trying to look
like. Why is it so easy for them?" The answer that the pro-ana's
don't seem to get, sadly, is that it isn't easy for models either.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I want to weigh like I weighed in the 4th grade. I want to be left
alone. I want to vanish. I want to be able to go through a whole day
without thinking about how many calories I've eaten. I want to eat a
piece of cake without crying. I want to look at the mirror without
feeling horror. I want to go on the scale and say 'Wow that's great
I've reached my goal, now I can stop.' I want to love myself. -- From
the homepage of Liz, a 14-year-old pro-ana
- - - - - - - - - - - -
There are those who believe that they can infiltrate the pro-anorexia
groups and help heal some of the sufferers they find there. Katie, an
18-year-old former anorexic from Michigan, suffered from the disease
for three years, ending up in the hospital at 5-11 and 105 pounds,
unable to even walk. These days, she hangs out in the Pro-Anorexia
mailing list and offers the wisdom of her experience.
"I go there in hopes of talking sense into most of the girls, to
shine the light of common sense on their destructive pursuits ...
That has been the most helpful result of finding the group. Talking
with people who understand me is priceless," Katie says. "But if I
had found the group while still stuck in the depths of my eating
disorder, it would have been horrible. To have the support and the
advice, the resources and voices of experience all pointing me
towards weight loss ... I would have been much worse."
The nascent movement to combat the pro-anorexia groups is even
seeking (rather naively) to ban the pro-anorexia groups. The
pro-anorexia mailing lists are increasingly peppered with the
well-intentioned pleas of concerned posters who hope to talk the
pro-anas out of their destructive ways. Unfortunately, the pleas seem
to do very little except encourage the pro-anorexics to circle their
wagons and go on the defense. And unless a parent is actively
screening every Web site their daughter visits or all the e-mail they
receive, it's unlikely they'll ever know that their child belongs to
the pro-ana movement…
-Janelle Brown, www.salon.com
I’m still in the process of thinking about all this.
On a lighter note, I came across $1850 today. I think I’ll go shopping tomorrow. Another $650 will be coming my way within the next few days, for a total of two and a half grand to spend on… something, I suppose. I am open to suggestions. I could always pay bills, or put it into my savings account, but what’s the fun in that? The interest it will earn is miniscule in comparison to having a new wardrobe or perhaps even a brand new piano for my dorm room next year. I bet that would go over real well with my future roommates.
Speaking of which, I have learned the names of my roommates for the following school year. One girl is from Brooklyn, NY, and the other is from Allen Park, MI. I’m hoping they won’t mind my lack of sleeping at night. It will all work out in the end, I’m sure.