God give me stregnth to send this


It has been almost twelve years since I have seen you. It has been over 3 years since I've spoken to you. There are some things I need to let you know. -

I don't hate you. I do hold you responsible for your actions, although I know that hurting me wasn't an intention. There is too much that has been done, and I would be lying if I said I could forgive, and forget. I would also be lying if I implied that I felt we could ever have a close relationship.

The memories I have of you from my childhood are sharp in my mind, very few, but very clear. I remember you driving while drinking a six-pack of beer when I was six. I asked you why you were drinking and driving, and you said it was light beer, which was light in alcohol. Risking your life is one thing, but risking your child's is another.

I remember many weekends, too numerous to count where you "forgot", or were too drunk to spend your 1 weekend a month with me. I would sit on that front step, just holding the faith in my heart that you didn't forget your little girl.

I remember hiding under the bed, while my stepmother went into violent drunk rages, and you walking out and leaving me at her "mercy" (I use that word loosely), and the mercy of my step-brothers. At least when we would spend our weekends visiting her in detox, I felt safe.

Maybe it is trite for me to bring this stuff up, but you claim to have no memory from that time. I want you to understand why it is so hard for me to even talk to you on the phone. I'm not trying to be vengeful, but these are things that have had lasting consequences on my life, helped form me into the person I am today and is reflected in my own personal life.

I am not angry. I don't want revenge. I know that opening up a regular line of communication, will wind up dregding up things I have put behind me.. and I don't know if I am strong enough right now for that. I don't know if I ever will be. I can't let this father-daughter break me.

We all fuck up. I know you would pay my mother the 50k in back child-support now if you had it, and that when you did.. chemicals and immaturity skewed your perception. You realize that you weren't in the right, and that is a really hard, amazing thing.. BUT just because you've finally come to this realization, does not mean I am obligated to welcome you into my life with open arms. Please try to understand why.. it's not vengence..

God forbid something happens to either one of us.. Please know that there is no anger, or hatred in my heart for you.. and that I wish you all the happiness in the world. I'm sorry you are lonely now.. lonely is something no one should HAVE to feel.. I am familar with it, and know it's pain. I hope you know that I do understand your past, and the present.. I hope you can understand mine.

- Your Daughter
Victoria Palmer