I know it sounds a little weird, but I still get this really massive hard-on
whenever I'm standing in the cookie aisle
at the grocery store and I think about my dental hygienist
. You see, that was the first place we ever met, and I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was alone, killing some time before my root canal by doing a little grocery shopping and I was walking around the store looking for some fruits or something, but somehow I found myself inexorably drawn towards the cookie aisle (which is probably what got me sent to the dentist in the first place). Anyway, I was standing there trying to decide which cookies to buy, and on the spur of the moment, I haphazardly reached for a bag of Fudgee-Os and bumped the arm of this beautiful Latin women who happened to be going for the same bag at the same time.
I started to apologize but before I could say anything, she said "If you keep buying cookies right before our appointments, I'll think you have a crush on me."
She smiled, and that's when I recognized her: It was my sultry dental hygienist! Until now, I'd only ever seen her wearing a surgical mask and she'd never, ever spoken to me before, so I figured that I should make my move. Unfortunately, I did not have any moves to make. So I tried to say something cool and unusual, but totally screwed it up. Regardless, it wound up being just like the movies: She was impossibly attractive yet she found my inept bungling and total lack of social grace to be some kind of powerful aphrodisiac. We talked for hours until we realized that there was no one in the store anymore. When the lights went out a moment later, we realized that we were totally alone...together. She looked at me carefully, and a crooked smile crossed her mouth. She took two steps towards me and her breasts pressed the cookies into my chest. I leaned in to kiss her and I realized that this is everything I'd ever wanted, and we made love all night long.
Unfortunately, none of that ever really happened (actually, the part about the erection is true).
I'm sorry, but I have this really bad habit of creating these terrible little fictions about beautiful people I don't know. Can you blame me, though? As I'm lying back in the dentist's chair, it's all I can do not to lose myself in those big, beautiful, dark-brown eyes. God, she's sexy in that little white lab coat with her thick black hair tied back in a ponytail to expose the long, delicate curves of her neck.
Who would have thought that safety goggles could be so attractive?
Anyway, don't get me wrong, it isn't always bliss. Sometimes it's frustrating to have her face so close to mine and to know that she still sees me as a stranger. Sometimes my stories about her reflect this frustration. One of the better ones is about the time I died in a car crash, but no one was able to identify my body because it was so badly burned, so they were forced to call in the dental hygienist to identify my remains (I don't know why exactly). Anyway, after she identifies my teeth as belonging to the corpse in question, she's quite understandably a little disturbed. To rid herself of the horrific memories of my mutilated body, she decides to try and replace them with memories of me when I was alive. As she does this, she learns more and more about me and eventually falls in love with me (even though I'm dead). Years later she dies old and alone because no man alive can measure up to me in my magnificent death. That'll learn her for being so sexy and never noticing me.
The next time you've got a minute, I'll tell you a story about me and that pretty waitress at the coffee shop.