Are your friends and neighbors disappearing? Are you having freaky nightmares? Have there been security incidents at the local asylum? Do your goldfish speak Latin, but you don't remember teaching them?

If you answered 'yes' to any of the above, congratulations, you're in a horror movie! Now, if you're not Heather Langenkamp or a guy named Ash, you might be wondering a few things about what's going on and how to survive it, which is why we bring you the

Surviving a Horror Movie FAQ

My kitchen appliances operate themselves all of a sudden. What should I make for dinner?
Order a pizza, and unplug the appliances so they're not limited by the cord length.

My group of friends is planning a night out at a haunted house. What should I wear?
Wear something sexy. Why else would you be going to a haunted house?

Should I tell jokes?
Only while reaching your hand down the garbage disposal.

My friends and I are huddled together in a cabin in the woods. We don't know where Jill is, but we think she's in danger. How do we find her?
Split up, of course! It's the fastest way to cover ground.

Which should I read to my children at bedtime: The Happy Little Puppy or Kitab Al-Azif?
It's never too early to teach your kids culture and variety.

What should I do when my children speak Latin?
Don't pay them any mind, it's just a phase.

What's this cryptic puzzle for?
Solve it and find out.

It's storming and the power just went out. What should I do?
Go in the basement and fiddle around with the fuse box.

Where should I go on my vacation?
Pick some small town in Massachusetts. They're always so very quaint.

Why's there creepy music playing?
It's probably from the kids next door. Disregard it and go into that dark room.

We're playing truth or dare. Which should I choose?

Where's my cat?
I dunno. Go look.

Ow! Why'd that guy bite me?
He's probably high. Put a bandage over it and forget it ever happened.

That didn't work. Now I've got an infection.
Oh. Take some antibiotics.

Why is my dead wife walking around?
It's a miracle!

What should I get my kid for his birthday?
Get him some sort of innocent-looking doll from that thrift shop over there. You know, the one that you could have sworn was an empty lot just yesterday.

I just killed the monster! What should I do now?
Say "it's over," check to see if it's really dead, and try to take off its mask.

Hm... what should I do with this axe?
Leave it there in case someone else needs to chop firewood or something.

We're trapped in a house surrounded by zombies, what should I do?
Go make coffee.

That's just a legend, right?
Yes. No basis in fact. Relax, go skinny dipping in the lake.

Vote YES on 706, allowance of genetics facilities within city limits?
Of course, nothing bad can come of it.

I'm being chased! What should I do?
Run upstairs!

Why's that clown walking down the street?
The circus is probably coming to town. Disregard him.

I found my best friend's dead body, and now I'm home alone. What should I do?
Take a shower.

Me and my friends are bored. What should we do?
Have a seance or play with the Ouija board.

My boyfriend wants to eat my brain. What should I do?
Sounds like a question for Dr Ruth.