First off, I find myself wanting to give
Uberfetus a hug, and stuff.
Once again I have shied away from my
real feelings, replacing them with watered down versions as to soothe the hurt of others. My original
intentions never seem to last, they are devoured by the intense need to be nothing that they've all been for me, the pain and the
hurt, I can't bring myself to be that to anyone. This is awful for me, and probably a character fault. I can't seem to get away from it, though..
My
ex has decided that we should be friends, I know that we shouldn't be, and I've not talked to anyone that could give me one reason in
support, yet I can't say no to him. So, here I am, giving him pieces of me that he doesn't deserve. All I can think is that I am an
idiot for doing this, and for knowing I have the ability to prevent it, but won't. Sometimes I wish I was the same as I used to be, so that I could tell him that he could have the heart he ripped from its place, he could help
pick up the pieces of me that were destroyed by his carelessness. It's too late though, now, I picked them up on my own.. and I am not
a sad little human anymore. I have nothing but respect for life in general, I've new friends a new life that does not involve him.. how to make room for someone simply because they want to be there, not because
you want them to. As much as I don't want to admit it,
he is hurting me again, and
I'm letting him. No one to blame but myself,
this time.. then again, I blamed myself last time, and it wasn't even
my fault.
It is so
horridly gloomy here today, and it's not helping the mood I'm slipping into, which is not depression but utter
confusion.
There are a lot of little baby
rabbits around this place, 6 at present, more on the way. My sister has gone mad. One of her rabbits is
quite sick, and it had to be taken to the vet today.. $110 later (it was only a 10 minute visit), the rabbit is still sick but hopefully it will live. This is the first time my parents actually took a rabbit to the vet when it was sick, generally they won't pay that kind of money but my sister is really good at looking
completely distraught (probably because she is really distraught).
My little brother was given a gun, a "22", or something. I know nothing about guns, other then the fact that I don't want my little brother to have one.. he's 15 and not that incredibly
responsible, or careful. ("I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!" -
Homer.) At least my parents are making him take a gun course before he's allowed to go around shooting random
little creatures that don't deserve it. There is currently a
mass rat slaughter going on in the barn, 9 so far with a rat trap.. there are so many, and yet, if it were me I'd probably let them live because I can't stand to see anything die regardless of how "
ugly" or "gross" some people might find it. My
best friend, she generally gets a great deal of satisfaction from learning that another rat has been killed.. funny, considering she cries injustice when someone shoots a pigeon or a
ground hog. She has one of those "
you can't kill cute things" attitudes. It bothers me.
Sometimes I wish other people's hurt didn't cause me more heart ache than my own.
"We could die tomorrow, might as well enjoy
this.." - "
Sleepless",
Jann Arden.