I don't like to change my daylogs, but rather tack new thoughts, feelings on the beginning or end "as needed". I'd like to apologize.. my daylogs have been very, not so happy lately. I guess this isn't the worst thing in the world but my problems really are quite small, insignificant, when compared to a lot of things, so it's best not to grumble, and the like. I just tend to vent here, in day log form.. when things get a bit too much for my tired little brain to handle. Thank you kindly to those in #e, and especially to MasterYoshi for helping me find my smile again. I guess it really wasn't so far away as I thought it was, hm? :)

Again I cry because of him and I feel nauseous.. so sick and I just want to be anything but alone right now. He told her, his new girlfriend, that he "probably" hurt me. Probably, he said.. I just hope he doesn't think that but rather said it to please her. I talked to her for an hour or more tonight, and I was so nice.. and I resisted saying things I know she doesn't know, because I don't want to fuck his life up. I am so tired of this.. and I just want to stop talking to him but it hurts to know he'd forget about me.. or would he? All I know is that this sadness is not something I deserve, I was sad for so long and he shouldn't be doing this to me again..
                              I'm letting him.
to know me would require effort no one is willing to put in
you will stand before me pretending to know or care but
when the last piece slips into place, there are more important things 
than the girl with the odd thought'y matter and sad eyes
Even I know that my eyes must look so sad right now.. with the tears building and the pain of finding out that what you assumed was right and then some. I can handle lies, I suppose I've been fed them all my life but from him, he always promised so many things and told me so much and I can't believe any of it now. It hurts and it is frightening to think that there was so much I should have realized and known. She.. took him away and though I'm glad in some ways that it is over, the way she talks as if he is only hers now, how she "won" him. She threw it in my face, I think she tried fairly hard to do it.. either that or she's very ignorant, in the stupid sense of the word. I just sat there and I took it and I held back what I should have said, and I laughed it off as I died a little more inside with every thought. I feel very.. empty, right now. Empty and sad. My hands went cold when we were talking, they're warm again now..
       Another.. sad "love" story?
Was it even real love I wonder.. mine was, but what was I getting in return? Perhaps just a lot of comforting lies.. now I know that I can't trust anyone and that just makes things, life, immeasurably complicated.

Help.. you know, that's just all I can think is I wish someone could, would, help me.

Watch me smile for everyone, I'll do it.. I'm so good at it. Just try not to look into my eyes.