I think I was going to skip making a write-up for today, but then I saw my main squeeze EDB had clamored up the EBU for that top spot. Here's to you, baby! All that hard work you did is finally paying off!
I went downtown, walked around, took pictures, got a free frapuccino. This did wonders for my pessimistic outlook. I think I've been sheltered from my beautiful city my entire life. I've driven through downtown, sometimes even gone to the museums and important sounding buildings down there, but this is the first time I actually walked around. There's life there. I think this is what shocked me the most. I was expecting to find quiet little alleyways and the occasional homeless vagabond, but I discovered that the place had its own energy. It reminded me of Italy, but for the first time a place reminded me of Italy, it didn't make me want to hop a plane and leave this world behind. Because I like it. And I belong here. It made me happy...
Today was good. That's rare for me--usually my days are miserable and my nights are filled with wonder. Tonight was wretched. I can't even describe how much our family was torn apart. I can't even talk to them like I used to. And I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow the cause of it all.
So many conflicting feelings tonight... I tried to force myself to feel what I know I shouldn't. The scary part is that I succeeded. Now I want to apologize for all the harm and chaos I've wrought upon my dearest ones, but there's something inside of me that's tasted blood and refuses to comply.
I cried. I needed to do that. It wasn't just for tonight or for the events leading up to tonight...it was for everything. All my emotions were imprisoned within me and that was the only way they found they could escape.
such a marvelous release...
But it's better now. Or so I tell myself. Maybe I've just run out of emotinal energy. I always feel so empty after I cry...the sadness I was hiding kept me company.
That's sick and paranoid. I need to stop doing that. People have been commenting on my humorous and aloof moods lately. I don't have the guts to tell them I'm just going slightly insane. Maybe that's my last shred of sanity.
I'm making no sense and I need to clense my head. Things are good.