Does she need to get lost to find herself?
I'm sick of having increasingly more fun with her in an increasingly stable friendship. I'm sick of us being true best friends, without her seeing that as a wonderful opportunity to ramp back up into something else.
It's so frustrating that we're only growing closer, yet I don't ever see any true, real signs of her actually *liking* me again. (Rather, I do, but she never confirms them verbally, and worries herself that we're falling back into a boyfriend/girlfriend place but, "without the love." Charming.) I wonder how much she's trying to actively keep from that, or if she's just (convinced herself that she's) completely disinterested in me that way. I know sometimes people just aren't meant to be together like that, but I can't help but wonder what type of person she thinks she's meant to be with.
I can't help but wonder what sort of aspirations and ideas towards happiness and compatibility she fosters, and how I don't provide them.
We get along absolutely swimmingly. We talk every day. We spend more time together than with anyone else. We make each other laugh, day in and day out. Hell, we even sleep together with varying frequency. And yet, she refuses to accept that we'd be good together. It's like I've lost no matter what, and any progress I make is inconsequential, "destined for failure." How encouraging.
The worst part is that I feel paralyzed—like I can't discuss any of this with her. I can't sit her down and have a discussion, because it will end with the confirmation of my worst fears. How pathetic. I don't want things to officially end in any capacity, and despite having several months of what I consider to be unprecedented growth and stability in our relationship, I doubt she considers an end towards any mean. It's almost like she's found herself completely unwilling to consider anything with me, and while she's pulled no punches about making it clear the few times we've broached it, the amount of times where we've been truly thrilled to be around each other is just staggeringly telling, and something I refuse to give up the ghost on.
She's mentioned that she's just not "in love" with me, which I actually understand. I just wonder if perhaps our ideas of love are at different levels of maturity, such that I don't feel it necessary (or even likely) that two people will stay at a continuous high, buzzing state for each other for any reasonable amount of time. I think that true love and compatibility is instead found in the aftermath and the absolute lows between two individuals, and the level of tolerance, caring and dedication they still possess. I think that's a large part of what frustrates me. It's not as if we're incompatible for spending large swaths of time together. Or that we don't have "comfortable silences." Or that we don't have similar interests, read similar things, enjoy similar movies, discuss similar topics of conversation, have brilliantly compatible senses of humor and both totally get each other. Nope, we have all of that in spades.
Perfect, then, that we should simply ignore our unseemly, shiny potential, cast aside under the guise of a search for someone to be "in love" with. Oh, sweet Clementine, how sad that you don't realize you already are.
Sometimes, even the silly and downtrodden need a forum they can be ensured offers partial anonymity and perhaps a few guaranteed viewers, even if it's perhaps a bit emo; I was sick of writing into a private journal, sick of writing into the void. Punish accordingly.