see i can feel it, in the little bits of sunlight that manage to show themselves between the fans lazy spin and i can feel myself trying. if you know what you need it is easier, but easier than where i'll be is not so easy at all. knowing it could be so much worse, you'd think that was key, but it's not. above or below, it's best to forget they're there, to survive this thing.

a kitten i think, or a puppy, probably a puppy, anything that needs me and can make use of my free time. or a small little thing to curl into my palm and sleep, it's like holding the whole god damn universe, that is what it's like and it makes it all so small. a baby, i've even thought, but i don't need one of those, i sure can't help another life form in this stage/state of life. i bet it would be even unhappier at the instability than i am.

it's all too big and i guess i have this one track mind. stop it slow it shrink it hide. they can't see me when i stand beside you or when i crawl into some other world and if i am careful i can't even see myself..

you don't write because there is nothing left there, on the uncertain scared edge - waiting. and i'll just keep thinking, if this life hasn't made me the most patient, or the most trustful, if i haven't found the person everyone looks for and i'll just keep wishing i could see you sitting or thinking or anything, again, because it will have been so long. a day will be so long.

i will be waiting.

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