So, uhh I graduate soon.

I thought about noding this there (at graduation, specifically), but I thought it didn't belong there.

May 12, 2001 I will officially have completed my course of study (being English) and will proceed to find a job and go on with life.

But I don't want to go.

It's not like I have this fundimental right to be at school any more. Say what you will, but I've had plenty of real jobs at various establishments, and this university setting is where I feel the most productive. I want to go to grad school and get my PhD.

So, yesterday my roommates friend says something to the effect that the humanities are useless. I bite my tongue not for the first time. Everyone that has just met me assumes I am merely a geek.

But I write.

Fuck it.

My Childhood is ending its momentary relapse. I never tried to have fun when I was young after a while. I mean, I laughed every day, which is more than I can say for many. But, err, my dad died. I got engaged. My mom remarried. My sister is 15 years old now. I can't be a kid forever.

So, where does that leave me, wanting my PhD.? It leaves me on everything at 1 am when I need to be up in a few hours. It leaves me with the realization that my source of stability, partially the 'net, will be leaving me, partially.

I realize that when I get home I will need to be with my wife, when I marry her. I have to atone for the years I've spent away and the sins I may or may not have thought of or committed. I realize that I toy now with the idea of working in a library, surrounded by books which I don't have to read anymore, but simply can enjoy, that idea is never going to happen.

Sure, I'll apply at the local Librarys in town, but no-one's going to hire a male fresh English major with a pony tail to reshelve books or even tend to the computer lab.

No-one will hire me to make their video game.

No-one will hire me to make their web page.

I will probably not go to grad school, though that's what I want. I don't have the right to even ask my girlfriend to come with me wherever I'll go. I've spent 5 years like this, with a pseudo-long-distance relationship, and I miss her. Everything about her. She's the important one. Is it possible I'm trying to atone for the sin of living by being subservant?

I won't even have a reliable 'net connection. My days as a regular here are dropping.

And the thing that scares me most is that I will never write again. I hope I'm wrong. Not here, specifically, but stories and non-stories and anything else will stop. That's the way I cry myself to sleep at night, when such things are necessary. I will stop reading because I find it impossible to read when a TV is on.

Life's bleak. I hope I'm wrong. Hope is important.

On the lighter side:

I tried to make an everything site . . . got almost everything set all up and then I'm going to try installing it tomorrow. I'm using debian. My domain will hopefully be The thing is that the instructions are rather vague.

I finished watching Cowboy Bebop. Damn that was a good series.