This weekend I spent most of my time distributing informative pamphlets and getting people to sign my petition to have Will Smith banned from performing in the Greater Baltimore Area due to gaiety. I did this alone all weekend because there doesn't seem to be enough people who are strongly enough committed to keeping Will Smith from performing in Baltimore. This is what is wrong with this country.

I find myself growing increasingly impatient with the slow progress our national leadership is making in its efforts to convert the poor and unremarkable amongst us into a gang labor force that will no longer be paid in cash or paychecks, eliminating the minimum wage debate forever but allowed to live, eat and take up space in return for 12-15 hours of extremely hard and unhealthy labor (which has the additional benefit of shortening the lifespan of these "people") seven days a week with no time off for holidays, personal reasons or medical reasons. My recent proposals to the Republican Leadership have included an additional incentive for wealthy, hard working citizens who wish to affect these hard labor camps and this additional incentive involves working those who are sick and in need of medical attention round the clock until they pass away, which will go a long way as far as solving crises around social security, which once and for all needs to be reserved for the wealthy and industrious amongst us instead of the uselessly poor. This would also go very far in eliminating the meaningless debate on universal health care as natural science takes over and reminds us that health care is something you must pay for.

Economics works on simple principles all but the poor and unremarkable are able to understand. One produces things as cheaply as possible and sells them for how much they can get for them, turning a profit in the meantime. This concept is lost on the poor and unremarkable, who usually go an entire lifetime without contributing to the economy by making a lot of money and spending it on a lot of things and keeping the wheels in motion. They are left instead to by Chinese items sold at Wal-Mart and other stores managed by communist sympathizers. We need to stop making goods available cheaply for the poor in order to stimulate them towards investment and saving money towards luxury automobiles and diamond tennis bracelets. Since it has been scientifically proven since the 1980s that the poor and unremarkable cannot learn these lessons, the labor camps are the only option left.

In the natural order of things, which I endorse, the evolution of correct trickle-down economics brings us to a place where abandoned factories, built to glorify the communist nature of the poor, can be used to house these ingrates. Bedding will not be necessary as many of these old communist era factories are filled with metal forms and old wood that can be fashioned into incredibly cruel sleeping furniture. From there, those of us who have made something of ourselves, in my case by selling investment opportunities in Civil War Action Figures, Ltd., where a $70,000 non-refundable deposit gets deposited in an off-shore bank account and $50,000 goes to me and $20,000 goes to operating expenses for CWAF, Ltd. (and we are yet to actually produce anything, another benefit of capitalism at its best), will donate our trash to the poor and unremarkable oxygen stealers who fill our hard labor camps. At the end of meals we can scoop what we don't eat into tubs and collect them nightly in each neighborhood and then pour these tubs of table scraps into feeding troughs and just line up the poor and unremarkable and make them eat. If they try to protest, a bullet in the back of the head is as effective a persuader as always. We could also give those t-shirts we spill stuff on that can't be cleaned out to the poor and unremarkable as well as sweatpants which shrink in length and become commonly referred to as "retarded guy sweatpants" because they aren't long enough to cover the sock and some calf flesh is shown during strides.

Women of substance are asked at this time to begin wearing capri pants during the winter months so they can continue to give a hearty glance at naked calf flesh during strides and also while crossing legs and having coffee in a public place such as a coffee house.

The malaise you see creeping like a shadow of night over the bright lights of America will recede and be replaced by light and goodness once again as soon as we get the poor and unremarkable into hard labor camps hosted by abandoned communist era factories and those of us who actually contribute to the economy will be able to rule as we once did before every ridiculously inept Tom, Dick and Harry we given the opportunity to vote. We need to move forward to a time when we rethink the voting politics of democracy and begin restricting the vote to only those who make more that $100,000 a year. Only then will freedom ring in our land once more.

I will give a speech tomorrow in the gym class I am a moderately unqualified teacher of before the usual rigors of making the wimpy kids do push ups while the jocks take off their sneakers and hold them under the wimpy kids' noses.