Day 5: The Voyage Home

Whenever you have a day where you don’t see land, you will inevitably find yourself discovering a few universal truths about the human condition. Over the course of this last day at sea, I have discovered three.

  1. Bingo is not a reliable source of income. The balls bounce in mysterious ways. My family spent a total of 200 dollars for one last chance at a jackpot of $8500. Not only did we lose, but we didn’t come within 5 numbers of winning. To win, every number on your card needs to be called. I found myself sitting with the only “O” and “I” numbers not called. A frustrating afternoon indeed.

  • Only 1 in 100 white women can pull off Jamaican braids. This is the expert opinion of yours truly, your self proclaimed Sultan of Style. I can’t explain why this is true. You’ll just have to take my word for it. Every woman under 35 (all twenty of them) had their hair braided in Ocho Rios. And they all look like idiots. I’m guess that they wanted braids to let their cubicle neighbors know they were in Jamaica. I think they should have bought an ash tray. No one was sadder than the one man who had his hair braided. You know his girlfriend made him do it. At least he’ll get laid.
  • You cannot even out a bad sunburn with more sunburn. Well… you can. But it’s a really stupid idea. I now find myself unable to sleep on my stomach as a consequence of this universal truth. My gut is pinker than the belly flop competitors. Taking a shower sucks too. All week long, I have been ridiculed because of the handprint emblazoned on my back. Now I’m paying the price for trying to impress others. I wish I understood that feeling good is much healthier than looking good.
  • I remember thinking that the blacklight puppet show was the worst cruise show ever. Not anymore. Tonight’s grand finale made the puppets look like they should be flying around Carnegie Hall. Smacking my sunburned stomach would hurt less than sitting through this show. My time would have been better spent passed out drunk. .

    Imagine a group of eight year olds learning how to sing and dance. The culmination of their education is a big concert where they perform hits from Dirty Dancing, Footloose, Flashdance, and Saturday Night Fever. You enjoy the show, not because of the quality but because you realize that these are eight year olds and your daughter is the second girl from the left. Now make these kids 30 years old and take your daughter out of the equation. Now you can partially imagine the torture. The scary thing, however, is how much the blue hairs loved it. .

    I won a lot of money on roulette tonight. My grandfather had coupons that make the casino match your bet if you win. So my $10 won me $40 instead of the normal $20. Now I can go to sleep happy, if not pain free.

    Tomorrow we will be back in the U.S. There’s a lot to miss about these boats. Good food, good dessert, good drinks. And it’s all free (until you get your bill). I wonder what’s going on next summer?…

    It's over. But you can always look back...

    Day 1: It rained on my Paradise
    Day 2: Ernest Goes to Sea
    Day 3: Labadee, Labada, Life Goes On, Bra!
    Day 4: I seis the Rios, I siete the Rios, I Ocho the Rios.