As some of you who keep tabs on me in other places know, I recently got another job working as a copy editor for my school newspaper. It's been an interesting experience, and one I've actually enjoyed enough to agree to sign on as managing editor (and copy editor again) for the next semester. Thanks to an unexpected abundance of space in the entertainment section last week after we axed a CD review, I was asked to contribute my first real feature for the paper. After the initial wave of panic passed, I decided to stick with what I know best. And since it's been a while since I've noded much of anything, I decided to inflict it on a wider audience than the three dudes who pick up the paper to fill out the crossword puzzle every Thursday.
So, on that note, I present to you your weekly horoscopes, as compiled by Madame Zelda, staff astrologer.


You will be mauled by bears later this week over a misunderstanding concerning a picnic basket and a forty of Schlitz Light.


The stars still aren't talking to you after you slept with their sister at the office Christmas party.


They say you don't understand the value of human life, but that's ridiculous; you've spent at least six hundred dollars on body parts this week alone.


Your triumph will be short but sweet as you prove without a doubt that a single polar bear can indeed eat an entire human being in one sitting.


Years later, you will look back on this week and remember that it was probably a bad idea to take off your pants in the library. Virgo:

Unfortunately, the terrorists have already won an "ANY BREAKFAST BAGEL SANDWICH" at McDonald's. Libra:

You realize that perhaps you shouldn't have run over that old gypsy woman when a persistent violin-playing man begins to follow you everywhere you go expecting a tip.


The stars called. They want their lawnmower back. And keep your dog off their lawn. Capricorn:

Your attempts to declare this Friday "Naked Day" will be foiled by a severe case of frostbite and local police. Aquarius:

You will realize after a visit to the health center that that burning sensation you have been feeling is not, in fact, love.


You will be forced to sign up for underwater basket-weaving because turns out it really is the only course left that fulfills your Fine Arts requirements. Sagittarius:

You decide to build a robot that runs on the milk of human kindness until you realize that it would be both cheaper and easier if you were to use type O negative instead.