As part of my mandate
of E2, the sad duty of seeing nodes off
to their final resting places
falls upon my shoulders. Normally, I let these solemn event
s pass without much ceremony
, but today, today I felt compelled to speak. Klaproth
, our beloved and gentle undertaker
has informed me of the untimely death of Arts of Masturbating
, a node born just moments ago. Its life serves as an example to us all. Now, I give you:
A Eulogy for Arts of Masturbating
Friends, we are gathered here today to pay our last respects to Arts of Masturbating
, a friend to many, a helpful node born
of simple parents who briefly touched all our lives. But not inappropriately
. Like so many other first born nodes, Arts of Masturbating
had a short life, a turbulent
life, a life filled with promise that seemed to end too quickly. It is only by remembering it that we can truly be enriched by its short life. Let us pray.
tells us that a eulogy is a "speech or writing in commendation of the character or services of a person; as, a fitting eulogy to worth." What can be said about our friend Arts of Masturbating
? It tried, as many nodes do, to peel back the pall
that falls over us each day. It dare
d to speak about the "wangs" and "vulvas" of our lives, uncomfortable topics that only the brave
speak of. It wanted to help us, it steer us from the pitfalls that its author, TK 23
, had endured. What greater gift could we hope for? What nobler love than self love
I upvoted Arts of Masturbating
when I met it. It only lived to see 8 votes. +3/-5, the final tally of our collective confusion about it. Who are we to judge? Who are we to cast the first stone
? We are the noders. Indeed, it made such an impact on ariels
that the gift of a C!
was made. Arts of Masturbating
lived in the sunshine of the Page of Cool
, if even for a brief time. It was a short life, but a life of education
, of fame, of sparking the discussion of the literary minds of the great Halls of the Chatterbox
. Can we judge this life wanting? I say to you that we cannot
Arts of Masturbating
lived all the ups and downs any node can expect, a concentrated lifetime of both joy
, of upvote
s and downvote
s, of chings
and marks of destruction
. When you think of Arts of Masturbating
, think of all the nodes that came and when before it, made by your hand and the hand of others. This is the cycle of E2 life. Cherish
What lessons did Arts of Masturbating
want us to carry with us?
"However, I see no reason why we should be ashamed here. We are all men after all."
"If you are masturbating more than 4 times a week, I STRONGLY URGE you to seek help and do whatever the best you can to overcome this lust."
"DO NOT ever fantasize about any real person (or anyone at all I recommend whether it be fictional) during, before or after masturbating."
"unskilled or carelessness shall lead to a very sore "wang" for ages"
"The best way is to think, be creative and follow your own way."
"do it alone and privately."
"Half the world's starving! Think about it."
"Keep it unseen and hidden."
"make sure you are alone and your doors are locked to avoid indecency and embarrassment."
"As I have said before, BE CREATIVE but NOT ABUSIVE"
Words to live by, truly.
Its love of Gladwrap
, lumpy pillow
s, headless balloon
dummies, and quotations around penis euphemism
s is what we will all carry with us, always.
took Arts of Masturbating
softly into that good night, showing it the way to the Kingdom of Node Heaven
. We should not cry for Arts of Masturbating
. It is in a better place