Every morning I take six pills. You see, I am sick, and these pills help fight the symptoms of my disease, which is very severe. It is not something I am proud of. It is a weakness, and I like to carry out my daily actions from a position of strength. I hate weakness.

Stupidly, I didn't keep tabs on my prescriptions, and I used my last pills yesterday morning. My parents are scambling around 250 miles from here, trying to get my prescriptions renewed and sent to me before some of the progress of these last months is lost. And I have made a lot of progress, thanks in no small part to the wonderful people I have met through this site. Ideally, I will one day soon be able to lead a normal life without pharmaceutical intervention. But I am not yet there. I do not rely on the drugs, but they are an invaluable assistant that helps me smile, helps me laugh, and helps me be the person I used to be -- only now I'm wiser and a little more experienced with this thing they call life.

Well, it's been just Uberfetus for almost 48 hours now. I'm feeling a bit frayed; some pieces of the puzzle don't fit so easily anymore. It hasn't been the best 48 hours of my life.

I learned that my best friend is in a world of mental anguish beyond even what I have experienced. He cuts himself, cries all day, and sees mental health professionals almost as much as he goes to class. He's been diagnosed as depressed, unipolar, and suicidal. His doctors also suspect schizophrenia and he will be undergoing tests in the coming days. On top of this, one of his close friends is *also* suicidal due to a situation involving coming to grips with homosexuality, molestation and pedophilia -- too complicated to get into here. My best friend has to let go of that situation in order to save himself, and that brings him guilt.

I too feel guilt, because I haven't been able to be there for my friend, and I'm the only person he seems to be able to communicate with anymore. I've been very busy since I returned to Cornell, and of course I have my own serious problems, of which you may or may not be aware. The world I once knew is near-death, and I have to choose between saving it and saving myself. I HATE THIS.

Oh, also, my roommate got banned from E2.