Depression is closing in again...
I graduate from college this May. This scares the shit out of me. I can't comprehend what it will be like. Now, I'm becoming a grad student in August, and so I'm still in school, but it's a totally different situation. I will (hopefully) be a graduate assistant, which means I may be teaching classes. This scares me. I was always an enemy of teachers, and they of me. Now, I've always been fairly intelligent, but I never liked the authority they had over me. Now, I'll soon be invested with that same authority I so hated. I don't know how to deal with this idea.
But that's not the half of it. Sure, I intend to become a professor (either of literature or theatre). But what I really want to do is:
But I fear I lack talent. Do I have the talent for these things? I honestly don't know. I send my work out, and no one wants it. Nothing I do can get published. My bands fall apart before we can even get a gig. I audition but never get a call-back. I'm a hack, and don't know what to do with myself. My friends tell me not to worry, that I need more confidence in myself. I disagree--I think I'm just a hack.
Worse yet, my birthday is coming. I'll be 22. That's not very old to you, but when you hang out with teenagers (admittedly 18/19), it feels pretty damn old.
Ugh.