We aren't talking about your average Jesus here, boy. He's not a guy from Spain or Latin America and his name is pronounced gee-zis, not heey-zoos. It's the Big J right here, Jesus of Nazareth, descendant of King David, carpenter extraordinaire, inventor of the table, rabbi, doctor of theology, political and spiritual leader, unauthorized Messiah of the Jewish people, founder of our era and Son of God. That's a pretty good resume, at least in my opinion.
But hey, was there even a Jesus? As Bertrand Russell, a writer who is most famous for writing books says himself: "I may say that one is not concerned with the historical question. Historically, it is quite doubtful whether Christ ever existed at all, and if he did we do not know anything about him, so I am not concerned with the historical question, which is a very difficult one. I am concerned with Christ as he appears in the Gospels" (Why I Am Not a Christian). 19th century historians, apparently suffering from a bad case of photosensitivity, were fond of classifying entire epochs in such intelligent and subtle names as "the Dark Ages" and "the Age of Enlightenment." An other productive hobby of theirs was to question the existence of historical characters, and they proved without question that not only did Jesus (that's still "gee-zis") not exist, but neither did Socrates, the Buddha, Lao Tzu, Alexander the Great or Jules Cesar, because we only know about them from the contemporary, ancient historians who made up characters, like, all the time.
So basically you're saying "Jesus was X," but Jesus probably never even existed! While we're at it, Elvis is dead. Accept it.
Was Jesus gay? Well boy, that's a very interesting question. Come sit on my lap. Yes, right here. ... What were we talking about again? Right. Well, of course Jesus was gay, boy!
Just like proving historical characters never existed was hip in the 19th century, proving that they're gay is the historian fad of the 21st century. It's the new black! Or the new pink, maybe. Anyway, ask anyone: Lincoln was gay, probably a zoophile even. So was Alexander the Great (or would have been, if he'd existed), but everyone knows that. Oscar Wilde was most likely straight though, but that's an other discussion altogether.
For Jesus, it's pretty easy: the guy never got married, never shacked up, and no known girlfriends? That smells pretty fishy, and not the good kind of fishy. We're talking about a guy who spent all his time around other men—the apostles and disciples. Most were originally married, but they left their wives to follow him—I don't know about you, but that sounds like coming out of the closet to me. And they followed him on the road, where they would live and camp out as a community, and God knows (He should) what would happen after sunset, in the privacy of the tents, between the members of this all-male community.
I mean, the guy only spent time around other guys, except for his mum. And Martha. And the other Mary. And Mary Magdalene, whom historians have speculated he was involved or even married with. But let's be serious here, we're not speculating, we're doing scientific historical research, so it's imperative that we completely ignore anything which might inconvenience our theory.
Right boy, now that we're back on track—you know your hand feels good here—I can safely say that, with the self-evident premise that all historical characters, especially fictional ones (and we've established that Jesus is), are gay, then it becomes irrefutable that Jesus was, in fact, quite gay.
And I don't mean in the "happy" sense of the term either, boy—oh yesss, right here...
Now this one is tough. I mean, how do you define "Black"? A person of African origin? But wait, people from North Africa aren't "black," at least by any accepted connotation of the term. Dark-skinned people from South Asia are called "black" by some. But not by others. Should I capitalize Black?
But to some people, being "Black" (black? It's an adjective, isn't it?) isn't about colour. It's a cultural thing. Eminem is black. But not too much, so he can still sell rap records to white audiences. So, is Jesus the Eminem of religion? I guess you're the judge of that. Or maybe the judge of that is a street-talking but wholesome, mildly funny black comic like Chris Rock. I guess that's one of the mysteries of the world.
I could also go down the easy road and explain that since it was sunny in Israel or Galilee or Palestine or wherever where Jesus lived, and that the evangelists haven't invented sunblock to slather on their strange science fiction hero (that walking on water stuff has got to put it in the SF box), so therefore he must have been kinda dark, and that's a lot like being black, right?
But as I said before, we're not speculating here, we're making serious scientific research. Anthropologists have long discarded the theory that Jews are "ethnic semites," a notion which is linguistically and culturally useful but is anthropologically meaningless. The most likely hypothesis is that they were originally ethnic Egyptians who splintered from the ancient Egyptian empire. And not only is Egypt in Africa, but it's also pretty close to Nubia, which was black country when the Egyptians warred and also traded with them and when what would become the Jews (jews?) took off. Now, it's a historically proven fact that, much in the way of roomates, populations which settle next to each other eventually mix.
So, the Egyptians lived next to the Nubians. Therefore, the Egyptians are at least slightly Nubian. Jews are at least slightly Egyptians. Thus, Jews are at least slightly black. And Jesus is a Jew. (Or is he? Find out in the next episode)
Ergo, Jesus was black. QED. That was easy. So, what's next?
Hahaha, are you serious? Of course Jesus was a hippie! The man was homeless, had long hair and a beard, went around the country spreading a message of peace and love which was considered subversive by the authorities, wanted to change the world, and, as pointed out before, he lived in a freaky commune. He's the mother of all hippies. Father. Son. Whatever. Jesus is a hippie (Hippie? ...Hippy?), that's what I'm trying to say. Are you following, boy? No, don't talk with your mouth full.
This one seems pretty straightforward, but as I hope you learned from this lecture, with science, nothing is ever obvious.
As Jean-Paul Sartre, a non-jewish writer, philosopher and very very ugly man (I'm serious, Google him, he was almost as arse-faced as his girlfriend), clearly states: "Jewish identity is neither national nor international, neither religious nor ethnic, nor political: it is a quasi-historical community." (Anti-Semite and Jew), arguing that anti-semitism fosters the sense of community among Jews, so much so that Jewish communities are strengthened if not formed by anti-semitism, and that therefore "it is the anti-semite who creates the Jew."
However, some of the stupidest people in the world have accomplished some of its smartest intellectual works—this is also something you'll learn if you hang out with scientists, or most people with PhDs for that matter. The category of people I'm talking about here are Christian anti-semites, which have simply got to be in the Guinness Book of World Records under "Most Stupid." I mean, you have to be pretty amazingly stupid to hate Jews, but hating Jews while worshipping a Jew God has got to break some kind of a record.
Anyway, boy. Perhaps intuitively realizing the inherent contradiction in their idiotic fucking beliefs, very erudite Christian antisemites, perhaps to kill time between sessions of forging the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, wrote entire, very complicated books full of historical, archaeological and genealogical research, explaining that Mary really wasn't jewish and that therefore, since Jews are Jews because their mother is a Jew, Jesus was not a Jew and they could worship him and a follow religion which is based on judaicity and was built by Jews—all of it without feeling bad about hating Jews. Nothing like intellectual dishonesty and cowardice to get your spirits up, is there, boy?
Now don't expect me to prove or disprove that research, it's not like I'd open an anti-semitic book, they probably smell bad. So I can't tell you if their research is accurate or not. But it doesn't really matter anyway, because even if Jesus is not a Jew, he is certainly singled out that way by anti-semites.
And as we've seen, it is the anti-semite who creates the Jew. So by proving that Jesus was not a Jew, the anti-semites have really made him into one. Thus, Jesus was indeed a Jew.
Jesus was a
Ahhh. So there we are, boy. Did you enjoy it too? Learn to. It's an acquired taste.
This writeup was obviously meant as a joke. If it has offended you I can't say I'm sorry, you crybaby, but I do apologize for any feelings it may have hurt. I am not gay, black, hippie or jewish, and certainly not Jesus. However, this joke is not about something I am completely insensitive about, since I am a Christian. This little piece can very easily be interpreted as a breach of the Third Commandment, so I'm pretty much betting my eternal soul on the belief that God has a sense of humour. And if He can take a joke, you certainly should be able to.