Footprints is a Jew, and he is still alive
All around him are Jews, like bees in a beehive
But if you are a gentile, don't be shy
Because he wants to share, his tie-dye

Footprints is a Gay Black Hippie Jew
If you don't like that, then you can get screwed
Footprints is a Gay Black Hippie Jew
Some say he likes to wear women's shoes

With his Air Jordans and his guitar and his strong physique
In the closet rednecks would be lusting for his meat
If you stole his cloak, he'd drop his pants
But baptists still aren't allowed to dance

The folks in the Levant
Are as black as an ant
Yet Footprints is pictured as being tan
Can we really be sure, that he is even a man?

Footprints says he's getting married soon...
I would think it about as likely that he lands upon the moon
Does his wife-to-be know about his special friends?
Or does she not care, about the vampires and\or lesbians?

Okay, here are some facts about Footprints: first, he wails on his bass guitar ALL THE TIME, and doesn't even think twice about it. Footprints is a mammal. Mammals come in many shapes and sizes: Wookies are big. Ewoks are small. Yet no one would debate that they are both mammals. Why would Wookies want to live among Ewoks? And why would Footprints want to live among Jews, if he is not a Jew? Footprints lives in Israel.

But, you may ask, if Footprints is a Jew, has he abandoned the old laws? Yes, but he has replaced them with a new law: the law of awesome. And, was he darker skinned than we picture him? Well, here is a fact: Footprints plays Jazz. Jazz was music invented for black people, by black people. If Footprints lives in Israel (a Jewish state) and plays jazz music (music invented by blacks), how can we say he is not black? Also, notice Footprints' obsession with The Raven, a bird that is doubtlessly black.

We have established two facts: That Footprints is Jewish, and that he is black. By the law of rounding, we can pretty much round 1\2 up to 1. However, for you doubters, we should address the Gay issue. For those lucky of us enough to have gazed upon Footprints' visage, even in a photo, we can say that such a mixture of tenacity, of verve, of manliness and swagger and flash, can only be possessed by a man that is a little too stylish to be had by the type of man who sits on his couch, eating his Doritos and watching pro-sports. Footprints is gay, at least in the sense that he is happy. A little too happy, if you know what I mean. As for hippie, Footprints would make Jerry Garcia want to slap him and tell him to get a real job. And Jerry Garcia is dead. What can you say about a man who would make Jerry Garcia return from BEYOND THE GRAVE and try to slap some sense into you, vis a vis personal responsibility? HIPPIE, that is what you can say. Also, for some anecdotal evidence regarding his possible consumption of substances: Toblerone-based Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows filled with Mint Pesto and How to destroy the world using a spaceship and an elephant. What more do these nodes need to scream Marijuana!, a box of triscuits and a nine-volt battery?

So, the next time you feel like persecuting someone...remember that Footprints, the man you so admire, was not a square jawed blond haired football running back, fond of botzing cheerleaders between shining his shoes with mayonnaise. He is a man that loves the poor, Indians, and boys who loved their Teddies.

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