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Lesbian Robot Vampires : The Case of the Radioactive Cat

It takes a man 8.6 seconds to fall from the 14th floor to the ground. 1

A robot falling the same distance can optimize its fall, thereby reducing the fall duration to 7.9 seconds. Otherwise it is very difficult to tell them apart.

Elvira was awoken from her slumber by a knocking on her coffin. It was her bot-servant, Jeeves-76i, the bot-savant. She opened the coffin with impatience. "A strange case has arrived, mistress", Jeeves-76i said.

Elvira went downstairs. On the table in the living room was a case. Something was untrivial about the case. Something odd even3. It wasn't that it was particularly large. That wasn't the case with the case. In fact, after a few seconds of looking at the case, Elvira concluded that it was perfectly ordinary, and not strange at all. So why had Jeeves woken her? This was definitely a case of bad judgement.

"What's odd about the case?," Elvira asked Jeeves-76i, who promptly replied, "It is from a certain Doctor Schrödinger. It came with a note. It appears this Schrödinger is a bit of a mental case. Inside the case is a radioactive cat, that may or may not be alive, as is the case."

"Well, open the case, and see if it is alive." Elvira commanded Jeeves, but because she was afraid of what was in the case, she stood behind a pillar, just in case. Jeeves opened the case, and found a glowing cat purring softly.

"Is it a robot cat?" Elvira asked.

"I don't think so," Jeeves replied, "I think it is a real cat. A real fat cat. A real fat real cat (at that)." And then Jeeves, right off the bat, put on a hat and a matching cravat, sat on the mat, gave a pat to the cat and had a chat with a rat.

And that was that.

Victoria closed the book. What the fuck was that? Her mind drifted back to the day's enigma, She still didn't know if it was Fate or Destiny. She really wanted to know who had left her the rose. What difference would it make? They would be married by midnight. Fate entered the room. "Good evening, Vicky, are you coming? We have to be there soon."

Victoria4, Fate and Destiny had been best friends ever since they shared a room when cheerleading for the Dallas Cowboys. They had always done everything together. Until that fateful day in the hot-tub, when Fate and Destiny found they had both been secretly hiding feelings for one another all these years. The hot-tub scene was one of the best ones ever. Ever. Then Fate and Destiny paired up, and the three of them now did almost everything together. And they still didn't know how she felt about them. Or maybe at least one of them did?


And something else was also a bit odd. Ever since her trip to Hungary, Fate had become very sensitive to the sun. And then Destiny also stopped going out into the sun. They never went to the beach together anymore...

Fate and Destiny watched her and looked at one another. They knew more about Victoria than she would ever dream. Posessing heightened senses, they easily saw her hiding her lesbian self, and they knew she was jealous of their relationship and missed the old threesome. Little did she know that tonight was not the wedding of two women, but of three, and that tonight Victoria would both marry them and be initiated into their secret Lesbian Vampire Club.

They rubbed their hands with anticipation, and looked at the camera.

"And... cut. That's a wrap." People hurried off the set and within 5 seconds nobody was on it. Cut to an interview with the director.

Reporter : "It's now only four o'clock and already you finished shooting?"

Director :"Well, Bob, we start shooting at six in the morning, so..."

Elvira switched off the TV. The 'making of the soaps' was even worse than the soaps. A pity she just threw her chief entertainer out of the window.

A body flew from the 14th floor. It hit the ground after 8.6 seconds. It was



1Based on a sample size of 1, therefore not statistically accurate.

2Not to be confused with a red-bottomed baboon.

3A famous oxymoron. Other famous oxymorons include deafening silence, larger half, funky white guy and bot-savant.

4Not to be confused with Destiny's Child, who was also called Victoria. The plot thickens!?

*** + *** + *** + ***

John Collin's commentary on "The Case of the Radioactive Cat":

"The Case of the Radioactive Cat" is rather cleverly written in "layers" of reality. As you read the story, you feel that you are in the layer of reality that the story is written. But then suddenly, you are forcibly pulled out, and you realise that what you were reading is just a story inside the story you are actually reading. Which causes a slight disappointment as you suddenly realize that all these characters you read about are not real, but actually just characters in a story (a cynical outlook on the utimate disappointment as any book/movie ends.) Each time the reader gets pulled out, his or her perception moves to see the current layer as "real." Probably to find that wasn't the real layer either. Eventually you stop believing that the level you are in is real, and come to expect yet a higher level to exist. (Although you never know - maybe some inner level is the most real one of all. Impossible?)

When, in the current reality, something exists which already existed in a lower reality, we can immediately tell that the current layer is not the "real" one, as nothing can exist in two layers of reality. Therefore there is a higher level. But, in a surprising twist, the story actually ends in a layer where Jeeves-76i, who existed in a lower level, exists. The astute reader will notice this and feel slightly dissatisfied, having expected the story to finish with a plausible reality level.

University of Massachusetts Bulletin


Off St8r: Oh my God, she like, totally stole my story.

Lesbian Robot Vampires: I know. That totally explains why they only published one of her stories. Oh fuck, she's coming. I have to go.

Off St8r Ok. l8r

Jeeves-76i has joined ###the rAdioActive cAt###

Jeeves-76i: Hey girlfriends. What's up?

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