Read the disclaimer first, it's funny!


This disclaimer is not funny. I said it would be funny to get you to read it, but it's not. The reason I wanted you to read this disclaimer is that I have been told this writeup is pretty disturbing (by the two people who read it before I posted it on E2). I personally don't find it disturbing, but then again I like jazz. There's nothing in it that should actually (logically) make it disturbing, as neither masturbation nor sitcoms are particularly disturbing, but for some reason the blend IS. If you don't want mental images of the characters in Frasier masturbating, don't read this writeup.


This should have been Episode 61 in Season 3. Surprisingly, it was rated R for male frontal nudity, female nudity, masturbation scenes, excessive pornographic content, and some disturbing content, so it was unaired.

Following is a synopsis of the episode:

Frasier Season 3, Episode 61 (Unaired) Synopsis

Daphne prepares a bubble bath, and fills it halfway. She lies down, bringing her vagina so that it is just below the faucet. She turns on the water, warm at first and then hotter and hotter, spreading her lips so that the water will land directly on her clitoris. As she comes, she gasps, and Niles, who was standing in the living room, goes into a frenzy.

Niles has a cancellation. He takes out a bottle of baby oil from his desk and pours it onto his right hand. He lies down on the couch, being very careful not to get any oil on it, and fantasizes that he is making love to Daphne as he rubs his member. He seems to have lost track of time, and just finishes cleaning up as his next appointment enters. But, although he is dressed and everything looks clean, he does not seem satisfied, and the whole session is spent trying to draw the patient's attention away from the couch.

Marty shoos Eddie out of the room so that he can have some privacy, but Daphne wants to clean up, so sends Eddie back into the room. Marty rubs his pistol with one hand while playing with his bullets with the other, but can't concentrate with Eddie watching.

Roz takes her favorite egg vibrator out of the drawer. She takes off her trousers, and then remembers she doesn't have much time - she has a date with a guy she met in a cafe in 15 minutes. She contemplates whether to masturbate or not, and then quickly dismisses any doubts with a wave of her hand. She moves her panties to one side, and puts the vibrator against her clitoris.

Frasier fills a bath with hot water, and adds some lavender, mandarin and ylang-ylang oils. He lies down in it to relax with a good book. Turned on by an erotic passage, he grabs the bottle of ylang-ylang and gets to work. The bath is full, so he has a problem keeping both penis and head above water. Frustrated, he wraps a towel around himself and trudges off, dripping water, to his bedroom.

Niles listens while Frasier recounts his feelings about yesterday's ordeal. Niles goes off to masturbate with his own bottle of ylang-ylang. He is then overcome with self-loathing, feeling that he has always imitated his brother. He decides to masturbate in a completely different way, and uses bergamot oil instead.

Gil wraps a silk handkerchief around his penis and slides it up and down. The handkerchief is stained quite badly at the end of its ordeal, and Gil seems upset. Then Gil opens up a drawer and we can see hundreds of similar silk handkerchiefs.

Bulldog downloads hardcore porn pictures and sits in front of his computer, left hand on the mouse, right hand doing the nasty.

Niles lies down on the bed and humps a pillow. He says, "Oh, Daphne," and the bell on the door suddenly rings. It is Daphne. She has come to use his shower, as she was caught in a rainstorm.

Roz inserts a dildo up her vagina, while stimulating her clitoris with her fingers. She does this to compensate for having been stood up last night. She wonders if it was because of her new hairdo.

Bulldog, frustrated that his left-hand mouse control is lousy, decides to masturbate left-handed, while wielding the mouse with his right hand.

Daphne finds her electric toothbrush a new use. In a later episode, Frasier will borrow it; a pleasing jest for those who follow the show regularly.

Daphne goes downstairs to do the laundry. As she is leaving the house, a pair of her panties falls out of the laundry basket. Niles is the only one who sees this. He picks it up while no one is looking, and puts it in his coat. He quickly makes his escape, and rushes home. He lies down on the bed, and sniffs Daphne's panties as he masturbates.

Frasier plays with his nipples while choking the priest. He wonders if he is enjoying the sensation in his nipples or the fantasy of touching a woman's nipples. Naturally, this ruins his orgasm completely.

Daphne squats down in the shower and aims the shower head just below the mons. We wonder if this is the shower in Niles' apartment or if it is her own. We stop comtemplating this question as she approaches orgasm.

Lilith inserts an ice cube into her vagina while cuddling her clit. The vagina becomes instantly warmer.

Marty uses only his thumb and index finger to choke his chicken. He forgot to lock the door. Will someone interrupt him? Frasier will return after these messages.

Daphne lies back on the bed. She holds her clitoris between her thumb and forefinger, and gently rolls it between her fingers. As she is about to come, the doorbell rings, and Frasier calls from the living room, "Can you get that, Daphne?"

Maris buys a hypoallergenic vibrator, but, alas, discovers she is allergic to batteries. Of course, we never actually see this. We know this because Niles recounts this tale to Frasier.

Frasier wants to play the piano the following day, so he looks for a way to masturbate without using his hands. He inserts his Percy between his mattresses and pumps away.

Daphne remembers how Frasier interrupted her last masturbation session. When she is at home, alone, she rubs against the corner of Frasier's couch. Frasier later comes home and says, "Has Eddie been on the couch again?" to a long press of the laughter button.

Marty storms in after a run-in with one of the female tenants. He rushes into his room and roughly grabs his penis, yanking hither and thither with no lubrication, for that angry combination of pleasure and pain.

Gil takes a loaf of bread, slices it in the middle and makes a hole the right size in the soft, mushy part of the bread. He will not write a review for this bread.

Roz encircles a penis with her fist and moves it downwards. When the tip of the penis shows through the top, she puts his other fist on the tip, and moves it down. She continues thus with both hands, creating an endless wave of downward motion on his penis. The shot zooms out, and we see that it is Frasier she is masturbating. Frasier, certain that an up and down motion is necessary to induce ejaculation, is pleasantly surprised.

Over a cup of Colombian coffee with a light, airy foam and a sprinkle of cinnamon, Frasier recounts last night's dream to Niles. Niles dismisses Frasier's theory as "poppycock", but goes home to try it. He grabs his poppy cock by the base, using his thumb and forefinger and strokes upwards. As his hand appraoches the end of his penis, his other hand does the same, creating a perpetual upward motion (he has obviously forgotten that Frasier told him of continual downward motion, or perhaps he is afraid of simply copying his brother, and always does things slightly differently?) Niles is surprised, but we are not, as his cock poppies.

Roz talks to Daphne, and it seems that Daphne has never used a dildo, so Roz gives Daphne a strap-on and teaches her one of her old tricks: she takes a pair of boxer shorts, and puts a pillow in each leg. Then she wraps the strap on around it. "It feels just like a man, but it cares about your orgasm," Roz confides in Daphne.

Frasier fills the tub with water and prepares for another attempt at the old ylang-ylang. He leaves the bathroom and when he comes back, he notices that the water has almost completely drained out. Apparantly the automatic cork mechanism needs to be fixed. Not about to let his session be destroyed by a technicality, he lubes up with vaseline. Noticing the tub is still warm, he humps the tub floor. This melts the vaseline, providing a unique sensation. However, it also makes a lot of noise, causing Daphne to shout from behind the door, "Are you alright, Dr. Crane?" Frasier attempts to answer while still humping the tub floor, but his voice is gruff, and Daphne doesn't understand. A few shouts back and forth ("What's that, Dr. Crane?", "I said I'm fine, Daphne,") put Frasier completely out of the mood.

Bulldog uses Icy Hot. Only those who have never tried it and have very weak imaginations do not wince and look away.

Lilith inserts her middle finger into her vagina, resting the base of her palm on her clitoris. She moves her hand around, and is obviously fantasizing she is having sex, as she drones in a monotonous robotic voice, "Oh yes, fuck me, right there." As she comes, she say, "I'm coming now." Within less than 10 seconds she is dressed and looks exactly the same as she did at the beginning of the scene.

Roz rhythmically squeezes her thighs together while Frasier is on the air. Frasier doesn't notice that she is becoming more and more laconic and raspier by the minute, as he is wrapped up in himself. When, finally he asks her who the next caller is and she doesn't answer, he turns to look at her, and sees her thrashing her head about in throes of ecstacy.


One more masturbation scene was removed, from the season finale of Season 3:

Frasier and his very attractive date, Niles and his very attractive date, Marty and his date, Daphne and her date and Roz and her date go to a lodge in the mountains. Unfortunately, they find that there is only one very large bedroom (with five double beds), and a living room. They all look very disappointed as there will obviously be no sex tonight. After they go to bed, one by one Frasier, Niles, Roz, Daphne and Marty slip out in silence into the living room for a wank. Niles knocks over a vase, and the noise wakes up their dates, who switch on the light and find all five with their pants down. Naturally the dates all pack up to leave immediately. As they close the door, Frasier pleads, "No, please, it isn't what you think..."


I hardly ever explain what my writeups are about. If you don't get it, you don't get it, that's my motto. And it's fine not to get it. And if you see it differently than how I see it, that's okay too. But I will explain some of the background to this, just so you'll understand where this parody (if that's what this is) is coming from.

Actually, I've changed my mind, but I will use this space to talk a bit about masturbation. When I was young, no one ever talked to me about masturbation. My parents never did; my teachers never did; TV never did; my friends and I hardly ever talked about it, and the little we did say was very noncommittal. I learned about it the hard way (no pun intended), and the painful way (pun intended). I had no idea there were many ways you could masturbate. I thought there was only one way. My way. And it was a really bad way. I remember the first time I heard someone mention lubrication. That was about 2 years after I started masturbating. My world changed, and I could walk easier.

'What does this have to do with the writeup?' you may ask. Probably nothing.


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