In a letter to Will Bowen, dated 8/31/1876, on the subject of sentiment, Mark Twain wrote:

"Man, do you know that this is simply mental & moral masturbation. It belongs eminently to the period usually devoted to physical masturbation & should be left there & outgrown. Will, you must forgive me, but I have not the slightest sympathy with what the world calls Sentiment--not the slightest."

In The Story of Creation 2, he says,

"...A curious prejudice. And it still exists. Protestant parents still keep the Bible handy in the house, so that the children can study it, and one of the first things the little boys and girls learn is to be righteous and holy and not piss against the wall. They study those passages more than they study any others, except those which incite to masturbation. Those they hunt out and study in private. No Protestant child exists who does not masturbate. That art is the earliest accomplishment his religion confers upon him. Also the earliest her religion confers upon her."

With the topic of masturbation, Samuel Clemens was obviously well acquainted, and probably a talented soloist. In a speech that has become almost a cult classic, delivered in the spring of 1879 at a Stomach Club dinner, Mark Twain carries out something of a veiled assassination of the practice:

My gifted predecessor has warned you against the "social evil--adultery." In his able paper he exhausted that subject; he left absolutely nothing more to be said on it. But I will continue his good work in the of morality by cautioning you against that species of recreation called self-abuse--to which I perceive that you are too much addicted. (" in the (?) of...", sic)

All great writers upon health and morals, both ancient and modern, have struggled with this stately subject; this shows its dignity and importance. Some of these writers have taken one side, some the other.

Homer, in the second book of the "Iliad", says with fine enthusiasm,

"Give me masturbation or give me death!"

Caesar, in his "Commentaries", says,

"To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and impotent it is a benefactor; they that be penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion."

In another place this excellent observer has said,

"There are times when I prefer it to sodomy."

Robinson Crusoe says,

"I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art."

Queen Elizabeth said,

"It is the bulwark of virginity."

Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked that,

"A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush."

The immortal Franklin has said,

"Masturbation is the mother of invention."

He also said,

"Masturbation is the best policy."

Michelangelo and all the other old Masters -- old Masters, I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction -- have used similar language.

Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II,

"Self-negation is noble, self-culture is beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared to self-abuse."

Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time,

"None know it but to love it, None name it but to praise."

Such are the utterances of the most illustrious of the masters of this renowned science, and apologists for it. The name of those who decry it and oppose it is legion; they have made strong arguments and uttered bitter speeches against it--but there is not room to repeat them here, in much detail.

Brigham Young, an expert of incontestable authority, said,

"As compared with the other thing, it is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning."

Solomon said,

"There is nothing to recommend it but its cheapness."

Galen said,

"It is shameful to degrade to such bestial use that grand limb, that formidable member, which we votaries of science dub the 'Major Maxillary'--when they dub it at all--which is seldom. It would be better to decapitate the Major than to use him so. It would be better to amputate the os frontis than to put it to such a use."

The great statistician, Smith, in his Report to Parliament, says,

"In my opinion, more children have been wasted in this way than in any other." ... "It cannot be denied that the high authority of this art entitles it to our respect; but at the same time I think that its harmfulness demands our condemnation."

Mr. Darwin was grieved to feel obliged to give up his theory that the monkey was the connecting link between man and the lower animals. I think he was too hasty. The monkey is the only animal, except man, that practices this science; hence he is our brother; there is a bond of sympathy and relationship between us.

Give this ingenious animal an audience of the proper kind, and he will straightway put aside his other affairs and take a whet; and you will see by the contortions and his ecstatic expression that he takes an intelligent and human interest in his performance.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories--and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures. The results of the habit are:

Loss of memory, loss of virility, loss of cheerfulness, loss of hopefulness, loss of character, and loss of progeny. Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement it is too fleeting; as an occupation it is too wearing; as a public exhibition there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long since been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence--among the best bred these two arts are now indulged only in private--though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo upon the fundamental sigh.

My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of the 'social evil' are bad. I would teach you that some of those forms are more to be avoided than others; so, in concluding, I say, "If you must gamble away your lives sexually, don't play a Lone Hand too much." When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your system, get your Vendome Column down some other way--don't jerk it down.

My favorite passage:

"Michelangelo and all the other old Masters -- old Masters, I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction -- have used similar language."

As to what Masters could be an abbreviation and a contraction of, I believe that was left as an exercise for the reader. ;)

Sources: (warning: contains images of dong)

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