I don't know what to do
. I don't know who to turn to
. My work is mindless hours of tedium
, i find myself translating the world's worst book
and noding it just to stay awake.
My body is rotting to pieces from under me. The doctor's happy news yesterday brought me lower than i've been in years. The abcess on my stomach is a constant agony - i cannot sit, cannot stand, cannot walk without brushing it, touching it, catching it with my belt. In bed i cannot sleep because there is no comfortable way to lie. It is the size of my palm. It weeps red and yellow poisonous tears of filth everytime i move. I hope that flucloxacillin works very fast indeed.
The one person i could turn to for help is acting as if i didn't exist. No words pass between us. No touches, no looks that contain anything other than coldness. And i wonder again if we're all over, because you see, i can't live like this. I WON'T live like this. I don't deserve this treatment - no-one deserves this sort of ostracism.
I will get through, i will translate more, i will take my antibiotics and hope the test results are negative. I will make the first move toward reconciliation, as always. I will try to act like an adult and to pretend that the other's behavious is flawless, as always. I will try to be generous, adult, mature. And i will see what happens, because something has to change.