Jesus: "If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope."

Canadian horror kung fu religious comedy movie, filmed in Ottawa and released on 2001. It was directed by Lee Demarbre and written by Ian Driscoll. Stars included Phil Caracas as Jesus Christ, Maria Moulton as Mary Magnum, Murielle Varhelyi as Maxine Schreck, writer Ian Driscoll as Johnny Golgotha, Josh Grace as Dr. Pretorious, Tracy Lance as Gloria Oddbottom, Jason McMaster as the first atheist, Tim Devries as Father Eustace, Glen Jones as Father Alban, Nancy Riehle in a number of different roles, and legendary Mexican wrestler El Santo as... EL SANTO!

This is another movie that I've never seen. But oh gracious me, by all that is truly holy (Mojo Nixon), I yearn--nay, I burn to see this movie. It has the Son of God. It has vampires. It has punk rock priests. It has kung-fu atheists. It has song-and-dance numbers. It has lesbians. It has... EL SANTO! Truly, this film must be a second "Maltese Falcon", a new and improved "Casablanca", the movie Orson Welles wanted to make when he filmed "Citizen Kane"!

El Santo: "Madre de Dios. My old manager. Don't let this gringo con you, Jesus. He'll have you wrestling midgets in border towns for ten percent of the net."

So let's review the plot: Vampires are killing off the congregation of a small church, and the bloodsucking fiends are able to survive in the daylight! In desperation, the priests head for the beach to find the only man who can help them--Jesus Christ! After dispensing baptisms and lemonade to the faithful, however, Jesus is attacked by three vampires! They kill two of the priests, but the Lord is able to destroy two of the vamps easily, while the third makes a hasty retreat. Jesus has been convinced of the seriousness of the vampire menace, so He goes to town, gets a haircut, and picks up some firewood to carve into stakes. And that's when He is attacked again, this time by a huge number of atheists in a jeep! But there is no limit to the number of atheist butts that the Son of Man can whup! Vampires, though, are stronger than mere atheists, so God rings up El Santo, masked Mexican wrestler extraordinaire, and asks him to help out. But can even the combined might of the Lamb of God and the King of Wrestling defeat the hordes of the undead?

My life will never be complete until I can see this movie. Seriously. If you've got it in your collection, El Santo himself wants you to send it to me. The video stores here are all run by the living dead, and they refuse to carry it.

The Virgin Mary, discussing lesbians: "Oh, God love them. They get so much done in a day, don't you think?"

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Addendum: Okay, okay, I've gotten enough recommendations that I've ordered the movie. I reckon I can cut my other expenses a little bit more...

Addendum II: I have seen "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"... and it is GOOD! Yes, the whole movie is dubbed in English, which is just so darn crazy, I wasn't sure what to think. Maria Moulton as Mary Magnum is hotter'n a three-dollar pistol. There are multiple laugh-out-loud moments and lines, from the fight against the unending atheists to the Rasputin-like figure who keeps popping up to bellow scripture at the audience to Father Alban's mohawk to the Holy Bowl of Ice Cream and Cherries to the Parable of the Good Transvestite to the scene where Jesus picks out a new wardrobe to Gloria Oddbottom's extremely squeezable ass. Is it offensive? Maybe a little. There are an awful lot of people puttin' the moves on the Lord, and Jesus seems to get his ass kicked quite a bit. But nothing here seems really mean-spirited, Jesus comes across as a really great guy, and there's even a darn good sermon at the end of the movie. I recommend it!