How can I go home, with nothing to say. I know you're going to look at me that way. And say, what did you do out there, what did you decide? You said you needed time, and you had time. You Had Time
by Ani DiFranco
This is my lyric for the day. My quote. It's what I keep telling myself. I'm in the middle of this deconstruction/reconstruction period in my life. Suffice it to say that everything is messy. Maybe it would be easier if I relocated and did what I seem to think I need to do, but last time I did that, which was five years ago, I decided it was just be easier to forget. I wish I hadn't forgotten. It's just making things worse.
I freaked out on the bus ride home from class today. I can't concentrate on my homework. I can't concentrate in my classes. And it's only the third week! I'm not sure I want to be here. Here being classes. Here being school. My friend, Kara, asked if it was school that was the problem, or if it was life in general. She asked what I would do if I wasn't a student. She asked if anything sounded more appealing. I told her that I could be a waitress, and that would be more appealing. She responded with, "Girlface, you're a klutz. Do you really want to be a waitress and have to balance plates and cups and things? You walk into walls on a regular basis. Let's talk about that, shall we?" This is just insane. I had this feeling today that if I could just get away I would be fine. But, rationally I know, that whatever is brothering me here would catch up with me where ever I went. The problem is me. I can't get away from it. So, I don't know what I should be doing. Other than trying to study for the class that I skipped on monday that I have again tomorrow.
I don't know what to do with myself. Except to node and do the homework I can stomach. Maybe the answer will come to me. Who knows?