How to get an A on your English paper (idea)

Ever wonder why you didn't get an A on your English 111 final paper? You dutifully attended 90% of your lectures, spoke up in discussion, and didn't make fun of your professor when he told you about how a cow named Betsy dry humped him one morning (yes, a cow). You've played all your cards right, but you still got a shitty B on your final paper.

Want to know why?

First, always remember the TAs do the grading. That old, bovine-molested prune with the phd? He doesn't do shit. He shows up twice a week with a cup of coffee and rants about whatever boring novel you've read, usually off the top of his head. That's all he does. The TAs do all the work. They know your face, grade your papers, and listen to the pathetic losers who whine about their midterm grades.

So if you want an A, this is what you do:

Get To Know Your TA.

Not in the biblical sense, though I suppose it couldn't hurt. If the TA likes you, it'll mean the difference between an A minus and an A. Hell, it could mean the difference between a B plus and an A. But be warned: the inverse also applies, so don't piss them off. Just get to know them. It isn't hard. Talking in discussion helps, but also staying after class and shooting the shit will do the trick. Just be cool. Say hi when you see them walking around campus. Buy them a beer if you see them at the pub. Be cool.

Understand How They Grade Your Papers

This means knowing the difference between what everyone thinks and reality.

• WHAT EVERYONE THINKS:

  Your TA sits in their office and reads each paper with equal interest and time, then grades them with an impartial, almost robotic consideration.

• REALITY:
  1. TAs are almost always grad students. They usually have two or three 20-page papers to write at the end of the semester, and hence consider reading your drivel a time-consuming pain in the ass.

  2. 80% of the time they know your grade after the first 2-3 pages. If page 4 is more of the same plot-summarizing crap, they'll stop reading and write a big fat B on the front and be done with it. Why a B? Because if it's a shitty paper, they know the student probably wrote it during an all nighter, and will happily settle for a B without complaining, which would question whether or not the TA actually read the paper. See #1 for why.

  3. TAs read your papers while half-asleep in bed. They read them while watching TV. They read them between quarters of John Madden Football. They read them while sitting on the porcelain throne, and yes, personal plumbing may effect your grade. That's just the breaks.

The Quality of Your Paper Matters

Without a decent amount of intelligence and effort, your chances of getting an A are about as good as a mass-murdering fuckhead like Henry Kissinger winning a Nobel Peace Prize. Err, scratch that. Bad allusion. Seriously, a quality-written paper means everything. Despite the cyncial tone of this write-up, you'll never get an A without quality writing.

However, "quality" doesn't mean using tons of secondary literature and snappy illustrations. It means knowing how to write. See Sockpuppet and jmc's write-ups at How to write an "A" paper with minimal effort. Also try to adhere to the following words of wisdom:

• Never use excessive plot summary. The TA read the book, there's no need to go over it again. This isn't the salon.com messageboard, it's an academic paper. TAs almost always skim over your plot summaries, and the longer they skim, the farther your grade drops.

• Use 12 pt Times New Roman or Courier font, with 1-inch margins. Word processors have been around for a long time. TAs know the tricks.

• Never read only one work of criticism. Especially one that bludgeons a book to death with a single theoretical model (such as post-feminist reading of Brief Interviews with Hideous Men). TAs do read your Works Cited page, and catch on pretty quick when every paragraph ends with the same name cited (Pretentious 69).

• Never make incredulous, overarching claims like "Beowulf is one of the earliest instances of the supernatural in all of literature." This won't make you appear educated and well-read, it only makes you look like a pretentious twit. Your TA has read more than you. Trust me on this. Grandiose misstatements will only sink your grade into oblivion. Stick with what you know. In fact, just avoid all absolutisms. Yes, I realize that this is an absolutism. Consider it the sole exception.

• Never include a definition from the dictionary. It's tacky, lazy and pretty much useless. So many undergrads do this and I've never understood why. Unless it's the OED and you include several demonstrative usages, forget it. Especially Webster's (no offense Webby).

• Don't make stupid grammatical mistakes. If one error slides by, it isn't a big deal (unless you have a real anal TA). But if too many keep popping up, it won't matter how brilliant your ideas are - most TAs will automatically exclude you from the A club.

  Here are some common grammatical mistakes:

  • "I became all polymath love's androgynous advocate". ( Faulkner, 117)

    The above quote is all wrong. Don't place the end punctuation outside of the quotation marks. Also, don't put a comma in the MLA citation. The example should read:

    "I became all polymath love's androgynous advocate." ( Faulkner 117)

  • Always block quote more than three lines (whether using MLA or not) and never use quotation marks around a block quote. This is the correct form:

    What do you expect to find here? Mercy? we know it not; humaneness? our sole pleasure is the violation of its laws. Religion? 'tis as naught to us, our contempt for it grows the better acquainted with it we become; allies...kin...friends...judges? there's none of that in this place, dear girl, you will discover nothing but cruelty, egoism, and the most sustained debauchery and impiety. ( de Sade 567)

  • When using MLA in-text citation, only use the author's surname. For example: ( Faulkner 117). Also, don't list entire web addresses in the in-text citation. This: (http://www.everything2.org/index.pl?node_id=1292022) is annoying as all bloody hell. Use the author of the website's surname, or if no author is found, part of the title.

  • Buy a copy of the current MLA handbook and follow it religiously, even if your professor or TA doesn't require it. It's just a palpable format that their eyes will appreciate come grading time. Note: palpability is highly conducive to A grades.

It's All About the Writing, Man.

Seriously, as noted above, it's really all about your writing. If your writing is flimsy and ill-crafted, you won't stand a chance at an A. But if you are a decent writer, and can't figure out why you've been scoring nothing but B pluses and A minuses, then the above suggestions could help you tip the scales.

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Just one note for those who misread this as a nasty attack on the English profession: I am an English TA. Trust me, I've heard about or witnessed everything in this node, including the story about the cow dry humping the professor (I HEARD that one).