Right now my girlfriend is driving south, on highway 5, with her ex
. They left a little under 2 hours ago, and right now they are probably coming in to Coalinga
, or Raven's Landing, or the little un-named valley we saw snow fall in once. It's dark, pitch black except for the cars passing by in a whush
on the left. The weather is a bit unsettled
after yesterday's storm, maybe there is lightning
flickering to the east. Perhaps the clouds have banked against the hills and are causing a light rain. I told her she might not want to take the grapevine
, it's been a cold year and this last storm
dumped ice down to 2500 feet. They are driving, and I'm sitting here, alone, with two Coronas
and my music. I haven't been lonely
in over 5 months... almost enough to let me forget how empty it feels. Compared to this the empty I-5 must seem like rush hour.
It's not that I think she's going to run off with him, or even desire him in any way. It's far past the point of those things with them. It's not even jealosy... if anything, I stole her from him - why would I be jealous? It's something more... they spent so long together... somewhere around 3 years... and saw each other grow up, went through hard times, good times... I love my girlfriend, a lot, and we are making our own history. It's hard at times, because we both want to control everything. But we're getting through, and we love each other. 5 months seems like a damn long time ti be in a relationship to me... but still nothing like theirs.
They were married, for god's sake. I can't even imagine what that must be like. Being married... I'm in no rush to get there. it seems so old, so far away.. so him, not me. I almost considered going with them, just for the drive. I'd have to stay at my parents' house while her mom told them to get back together... but i could still go along for the drive. But.. I don't fit in the back of her truck. And more than that, I don't fit in that part of her life. I never will, and I am going to have to accept that. He is her friend.. I couldn't cause them to cease talking even if i wanted to. He's her friend.. much as I was, in the past, before things got crazy and we couldn't keep apart from each other. And they are driving south.. by now they are whirring past orchards, the hills on their right. And i am alone, waiting for the alcohol to seep into my blood...