This was written for a Food
mag with a
tiny circulation, on a short deadline and in exchange for enough money to buy a
pint of
beer. It was submitted around
Christmas and based on the presumption that cooking for that
special person need not be an annual event, nor should it have to be related to a festive season.
And when speaking about a person whose attention we're vying for, I owe it to you, dear
noder, not to
circumvent the subject of
aphrodisiacs. That said, I should also
shatter your hopes by affirming that there are
none.
A host of
substances,
potions,
ingredients and
spices have, since time
immemorial, been proclaimed to contain the key to that special person’s
holy of holies. None of them work, at least not in
isolation and not
without fail. The knowledge that the
ingredient is inside the dish you’re serving is a more reliable factor, giving the
self-confidence it takes to make that vital move.
There are factors that, while not exactly
Cupid’s arrow, help to get things moving along smoothly.
Alcohol is where the
mischief starts. Too much of it will mess up your evening in one of a variety of
embarrassing ways. A small amount will help overcome silly
inhibitions like the refusal to string more than four words together every five minutes. So the first ingredient for the special event will be
alcohol.
Go for
quality over
quantity. One bottle should do the trick. Try and follow the basic
food-matching rules to avoid a hefty
Barolo stomping all over your delicately steamed
John Dory. Unless you’re certain about what you’re doing, try to stick to
whites with
fish and
red with
meat. Don’t skimp on the wine, either. A five quid (
Euro 15) bottle won’t
break the bank so don’t spend less. The sky is quite naturally the limit.
Champagne can be a good idea but this is so tricky that you must be absolutely certain about the person you’re meeting.
Pop a cork the first time you invite
Juliet over and you’re immediately labelled a
premature Romeo. Wait for the
glorious liquid to turn up in conversation and suggest indulging in a bottle when she comes over to
your place for a lovely meal. “What meal?”, she’ll surely ask. And there’s your invitation sorted.
Open your front door and there’s your
man, looking like
Michelangelo’s
David if
Armani were entrusted with the finishing touches. Or your girl, bathed in the cool glow of the hallway’s
energy saver. Whoever it is should walk into a room that has unmistakeably been prepared to host a special event. Gone are the
dirty magazines and there’s a gap in your
CD collection where you’ve thoughtfully removed all traces of
Beyoncé. Turn down the lights. There is something awfully impersonal about the full-on
glow of a
bright bulb. If you don’t have
dimmer switches you can always turn off the main light and strategically place
lampshades and
candles that will give you a multitude of little lights rather than one bright one.
Be careful with
candles at table. Tall candles on a
silver candlestick have been out of fashion for a long time for a good reason. Peering at your guest from underneath them casts shadows in the
wrong places. It also looks like you don’t want to see your guest in too much detail.
Bad move.
Lay the table. Don’t wait until the
last minute to do this. Your guest will turn up on time. You’re
unprepared and have yet another thing to add to your list of
apologies. You can’t afford more than three apologies and your mother at table can’t be one of these three.
Polish the
cutlery until it
gleams, steam
wine glasses until they
sparkle and iron napkins until they
crackle.
Have some
music playing in the background. Keep the volume low and the choice as neutral as possible. You should
never,
ever have to explain why you’re playing what you’re playing so be as safe as it possibly gets. If you love an obscure
Renaissance composer like
Corelli, and the music is
acceptable to all ears, then just leave it on in the background but no one other than yourself is interested in his
birth date or that he was buried at the
Pantheon.
And then we get to the
meal. Once
Venus (or
Adonis) is nice and comfy introduce the meal with an
amuse bouche. The choice of menu is really up to you but go for sure-fire
winners rather than a risky but hugely complex main course. Gently baked
salmon, delicately seasoned is hard to mess up, especially if you’ve bought a decent cut. Traditionally
roasted potatoes are always a winner and complement most baked dishes. Once again they’re hard to mess up and can be tastefully seasoned to personalise the flavour.
Food is the trickiest part, and here you’re
on your own. If you hold a anyone in high enough
esteem to bother cooking for her or him, you must know what the
object of your affection likes and dislikes, or can and cannot eat. A
ginger prawn stir-fry is easy, impressive and very, very tasty. It is also
lethal if your special guest is
allergic to
seafood. And that is not quite the kind of
horizontal you were aiming for.