One word:

It can't miss! Think about it. All the successful Dot Com businesses these days have one thing in common: they're losing money faster than you or I could burn it. So, if we want to have the next record-setting IPO, we have to find a way to lose money even faster.

And this, this is a whole new paradigm for losing money. Instead of the done to death "Sell things for less than cost", or "Pay people to look at ads", our money losing strategy (patented, of course) is to spend megabucks on promoting a product nobody wants!

It's a work of genius, I tell you!

"You're WHAT?"

"It's not as bad as it sounds. We just want to send a few million e-mails advertising DIY plans and blueprints so that anyone can make their own deodorant."


"Sure. If you don't like cod, you can choose smoked salmon, tuna, mahi mahi, anchovies or gefilte fish. Besides, it's not like we're annoying people. Informative advertising is always welcomed by Internet users!"

"Have you ever actually been ON the Internet?"

"Well, our last clients were advertising their services as green card lawyers, and they were pretty happy with the number of responses they got..."


Another day, another dead spammer. And people wonder why I like my job.

A fisherman's life is a hard one. Away from home for days at a time, trolling the waters for fish to take to market so there's food on the table. Fighting through sudden storms and 50 foot waves. No, no one envies the fisherman.

But there's another person for whom this life takes a heavy toll. The fisherman's wife. While he is away, fighting his next paycheck out of the ocean, she stays at home, alone, to take care of the children and keep the house warm for his return. For the fisherman's wife, those days can seem like decades.

It is for the stalwart wife, the unsung hero of the American family, that we have created Lofthouse's Fish Scented Deodorant1. Available in Salmon, Swordfish, Fluke, and Tuna, Lofthouse's Fish Scented Deoderant is guaranteed to bring back found memories of the sea, as well as prevent embarrassing underarm sweat stains.

Lofthouse's Fish Scented Deodorant is all natural2 and has not been tested on animals3. It is available as a stick, a roll on, or a spray, and can be found in the bath and body products section of your local grocery store. While you're there, take a look at out other fine fish scented products. Lofthouse's Fish Scented Deodorant. Maximum protection. Maximum fish.

1 - From the maker's of Fisherman's Friend
2 - Keep refrigerated.
3 - Lofthouse's Fish Scented Deoderant does contain small amounts of fish oil. However, it is not a food product. If consumed, induce vomiting and contact your physician.

Target Audience: Males, Ages 18-25

(Open on shot of Australian actor Paul Hogan standing knee-deep in ocean)

Paul Hogan: "G'Day. Here in Australia, things can get pretty hot, and you need a deodorant that works hard for you and smells like bloody salmon. That's why I use Spawn Stick, the only--"

(Shark leaps out of water, swallows Paul Hogan)

Target Audience: Women, Ages 18-25

(Open on attractive man and woman dancing in exclusive club)

Man: "My dear, do I smell... fish?"

Woman: "Yes, silly, that's new Sure Smells Like Bass deodorant, the only deodorant endorsed by Oprah Winfrey!"

(Man looks vaguely disappointed)

Target Audience: Male Teens

(Open on shot of snowboarders racing down snowy mountainside; one boarder approaches the camera)

Snowboarder: "When you gotta take your sport to the EXTREME, you can't afford to be slowed down by a deodorant that doesn't go to the EXTREME, too! That's why I use FISH-X -- the only deodorant that tames body odor with the extreme smell of fish!"

(Female snowboarder walks by, leers at male snowboarder)

Female snowboarder: "Hey, love that FISH-X!"

Target Audience: Female Teens

(Open on shot of mother and daughter walking along sunlit meadow)

Daughter: "Mom, do you ever have times when you feel... a little too fresh?"

Mom: "Sure, dear. We all do. That's why I use Summer's Trout, the deodorant that smells like a big dead fish."

Daughter: "Thanks, Mom. I love you."

Target Audience: Children

(Open on shot of Pikachu)

Pikachu: "Pika Pika!"

(Pikachu takes out can of Pokemon Fish Deodorant and rubs on armpits)

Pikachu: "CHU!"

Target Audience: Everythingians

(Open on shot of dem bones sitting at computer)

dem bones: "You know, after a long hard day of noding, you really appreciate the power of Big Linux Tuna deodorant, the only fish-scented deodorant that knows to mention Linux in its name!"

(Enter jessicapierce, dressed as a can of Big Linux Tuna deodorant)

jessicapierce (singing): "Big Linux Tunagooglies, the only one for you-nagooglies!"

(Enter juliet and knifegirl, attacking jessicapierce with aluminum baseball bats)

juliet and knifegirl: "Get away from him, you man-stealer!"

(juliet, knifegirl, and jessicapierce roll on floor. dem bones leans back in his chair and smiles)

dem bones: "Awww, yeah."
Camera moves through forest
Anouncer:We at Putrid Deoderants use only the finest rotting salmon carcasses in our new roll-on, AfterSpawn.
Camera begins moving down a stream with dead salmon lining the banks and sea gulls scattering as it approaches.
A:We don't harvest them untill at least 75% of the flesh is eaten by scavengers.
zoom in on a pinkish object with bits of red skin showing then fade to a picure of happy looking people wandering around and laughing.
A:AfterSpawn, one wiff and you will never smell anything else.

An ad executive is sitting behind a really big, expensive desk in a corner office on the twenty-fifth floor of a skyscraper somewhere in Manhattan. He is talking on the phone to one of his collegues:

    "Did you say Phish scented deoderant? Like the group? Oh, you mean real fish? That's going to be a toughy. What kind of fish do they have? Uh-huh...okay...I see. So you're telling me that this company can mimic the odour of virtually any type of fish based on an extremely complex chemical process. Is the smell strong? I see. And they want to use this rather unique patented process to help them sell deoderant? You do understand the inherent contradiction in this type of endevour, right? Good. Just so you know. Okay, let's get down to business."
    "So what do we do? Nobody with half-a-brain would buy this product. Exactly! SEGMENTATION! So who wants to smell like fish? Apart from fish, idiot! No, no, no. Fisherman don't want to smell like fish! They already-- Hey, wait a minute. Unemployed fisherman don't smell like fish do they? They don't smell at all! That's perfect. During the offseason they can go hang out in bars all day and drink. At night before they go home they can use our deoderant. It's perfect! We could call it: Holy Mackeral I Can't Believe It's Not Fish! Okay, who else. Cat Lovers, right! We'll call it Pussy Minnow! Who else? I don't know. Kids! Wait, wait, go with me on this one: Kids like sushi, right? But sushi's expensive. So, we sell 'em cheap deoderant that smells like sushi instead! Shaped like little maki rolls! Genius! And we have an open air concert! And we get Phish to play! Are you writing this down..."

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