It's the end of summer and you've run out of things to do around the pool. Try this.


Arena: Jewel of the Diaper must be played in a swimming pool with steps and an end shallow enough for all the players to stand comfortably.

Players: The game consists of at least three people: one Defender, one Jewel of the Diaper, and one or more Attackers. Attackers are normally small children. Seven is a good starting age for Attackers. The Defender is often an adult male, usually the father of one of the Attackers. The Jewel is a toddler. It is mandatory that the Jewel is wearing a lifevest or firmly squeezed in to a colorful inflateable ring. The Jewel may actually wear a diaper, but if he or she has been potty trained, this is not necessary. For the ultimate safety of the Jewel, it is helpful that he/she is a blood relative the Defender (father/mother).

Object: The object of the game is for the Attackers to push past the Defender by any fair means possible, secure the Jewel and push the Jewel to the far, deep end wall of the pool, winning and ending the game. The Defender wins by keeping the Attackers at bay until they give up due to injury, exhaustion or are called in for dinner.

Weapons: No weapons of any sort are allowed, although the Jewel may wield a waterhose and spray both the Defender and the Attackers without discretion. A high-pressure nozzle, however, is not allowed.

Methods of Attack: Attackers may use nearly any method to subdue, distract or befuddle the Defender. Kicks, punches, leaps, accurately-aimed blinding splashes, arm holds and leg locks are all legal. However, like ice hockey, there are just a few things which are not allowed.

  • Kicks to the groin of the Defender.
  • Hair pulling.
  • Jumping from a height on to the Defender. Note: Except for the sole purpose of pooping, leaving the pool results in immediate disqualification.
  • Pulling down the Defenders swim trunks in a coed game.

Methods of Defense: The Defender may use any method of defense which does not intentionally cause bodily harm to an Attacker. These may include dunking, pushing, blocking and tripping. Depending on the weight of the Attacker, throwing, by far, is the best defense option. A Defender who can successfully launch Attackers at least half the length of the pool will gain a great advantage in protecting the Jewel.

However, the counter-intuitive response to launching from Attackers often is a more aggressive attack. This will require the Defender to devise more forceful and strategic throws, i.e. throwing an Attacker close to a previously-thrown one, disrupting their advance or throwing two at one time.

Role of the Jewel: Meanwhile, in the midst of the mayhem, the Jewel may do whatever he/she pleases. The Jewel may attack at will or defend itself with punches, kicks, jumps and water-hose shots. These may and will be aimed at both Attackers and the Defender. The Defender may not defend against the Jewel. Instead, it is recommended that the Defender legally dispatch all active Attackers and then place the Jewel gently back upon the steps of the pool, often with a hug and a kiss.

The Jewel may get out of the pool to strike or spray any player at any time.

Time Outs: Aside from the individual poop breaks, the only time play is halted is when both an Attacker and the Defender are touching the Jewel. A tug of war using the Jewel as the rope can result in injury, drowning and/or banishment for any/all involved parties. Possession of the Jewel goes immediately to the Defender.

Even in the rare event that Attackers have swum the Jewel to the deep end, if the Defender touches the Jewel before he/she touches the wall, the game is halted until the Jewel is set back upon the steps, once again with a hug and a kiss.

Stoppage: The game is stopped by various reasons.

Stoppage of the game determines the score. If the Attackers were unable to bring the Jewel to the end of the pool, the Defender wins the game. Likewise, if the Attackers successfully capture the Jewel, they win the game.

The Jewel of the Diaper is not for everyone. Weenies, wimps and whiners need not participate. However, it is quite invigorating for all players, a fun form of exercise and guarantees that the Attackers will climb in to bed without a complaint. Just the thing to wind up a late-summer day.

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