Somebody help me.

I'm finding that everything that I thought I knew about life, about love, about friendship, about what's important- may not be true. I'm learning that people are rarely what they seem, no matter how intuitive I am, or believe myself to be. I'm finding out that I'm not who I thought I was, and I'm hoping I can cut it in the "real" world. Whatever that means.

I can't sleep at night, then I fall asleep in class, come home, and crash. I eat maybe- maybe a meal a day, and spend all my money on cigarettes and alcohol. I've managed to get my work done, being that I'm up all night, but I'm wondering how much longer this can go on for. I'm falling the fuck apart. I miss the security of living at home. I miss the discipline, even, because as it is now, there's no one to kick my ass every now and then, and I'm sure as hell not taking care of that myself.

I'm not who I thought I was, and I'm starting to really not like the person I've become. I'm starting to hate me. All the feelings I hid from myself in the dark days of my life when my world fell apart and it seemed like everyone was dying are flooding back in, now that all the people who really know me are hundreds of miles away. I wake up crying. I never cry. Lately I just want out. Fuck it all. Let me roam for a year and find myself before I have to go through this. I'm not doing so well.

Somebody stop me, please.

Speaking as a sufferer of chronic depression, I know what you are going through. You are having a major depressive episode, it sounds like: lack of sleep, appetite, the crying, being tired in class.

So here's what you need to do: get help. There are medications that are quite effective at dealing with this, as well as psychotherapy. You need a professional to figure out what is causing your depression. When you get treatment, you realize that all of these things are just your brain fucking with your mind, and the greatest hope is in realizing that there is something you can do about it.

Did you go away to school? Somewhere with less sunlight? It is very possible you have Seasonal Affective Disorder - especially since you are having this depression at the darkest time of year. There are very easy and effective treatments for SAD.

Please, please, please, get yourself into whatever counselling/health services that your school provides. And remember: It's your brain chemistry. You don't have to feel the way that you do. Try to get some hope out of that, and keep going, don't give up on life!

It does occur to me that you could be a troll, but this is something too important to fuck around with, so I will take my chances of looking like an idiot. Because I know the sort of things you think about when you are in this state, and I don't want anyone to go through what I have many times in my life.

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