Recently a memo was passed around suggesting that opening email with the subject "good times" would contain a virus.

The virus is a hoax.

However the Virus Meme is not. It is mildly auto-toxic merely since it is false. The bait is the promotion of computer security and the unhindered use of the email vector. It also has an effective hook - when the meme is believed you will want to tell all those with whom you commonly exchange email so as not to get infected from them. It preys upon the future shock of unsophisticated computer users. Science is the most effective vaccime, specifically computer science.

- Joseph Vaughn-Perling (, Oct 24, 1996

I didn't write this, but I doubt anyone knows who did...

There is a powerful new virus on the Internet, called Goodtimes.

Goodtimes will rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR, and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room on your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead. Such is the power of Goodtimes; it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voicemail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase grade schoolers with your new snowblower.

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