I didn't write
this, but I doubt anyone knows who did
There is a powerful new virus
on the Internet, called Goodtimes.
Goodtimes will rewrite your
hard drive. Not only that, but it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your
computer. It will recalibrate
your refrigerator's coolness setting so all
your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize
the strips on all your credit cards,
screw up the tracking on your VCR, and use subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your
ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will
mix Kool-aid into your fish tank. It will
drink all your beer and leave its
socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming
over. It will put a dead kitten in the back
pocket of your good suit pants and
hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you
fall in love with a penguin. It will give
you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour
sugar in your gas tank
and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your
current girlfriend behind your back and
billing the dinner and hotel room on your
It will seduce your grandmother.
It does not matter if she is dead. Such
is the power of Goodtimes; it reaches out beyond the
grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly
around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous
messages on your boss's
voicemail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is a rather interesting shade of
Goodtimes will give you Dutch
Elm disease. It will leave the toilet
seat up. It will make a batch of methamphetamine
in your bathtub and then
leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out
to chase grade schoolers with your new snowblower.