Food Police: (n) The people who make editorial remarks about what someone else is eating, almost invariably without having had their opinion solicited. Food Police come from all walks of life, (male, female, vegan, omnivorous, health nuts, junk food junkies, etc.) Their terrorism is usually similar to one of the following examples:

a) You carry your microwave entree back to your cubicle. Along the way, an officer from the Food Police Squad asks, "Hey! Whadd'ya got?"
You: Lean Cuisine Lasagna.
FP: Oh God! I can't believe you're going to eat that! Don't you know how much sodium's in those things?!

b) You have been watching your fat intake and have made the egregious error of discussing it with your co-workers. You have a Twinkie. A Food Policeman walks by . . .
FP: Heyyyyy, I thought you were on a diet!

c) You make a habit of eating natural, high-fiber, low-calorie foods. You're having tuna salad with chick peas and vinegar. A Food Policeman happens past:
FP:"Jumping Jesus! What the hell are you eating? A Rope and sawdust salad? How can you stand that crap?!"

d) You've ordered pizza. As is your habit, you sprinkle it with Parmesan Cheese and a little salt and pepper. Your significant other, who is sharing the pizza with you, whips out his or her Food Policeman's badge and gasps:
"Holy Christ! You're putting SALT on that? How can you do that?!" (Note: It might be time to dump this person.)

There are at least eleven million other examples. The Food Police Corps are seemingly infinite in number and they have apparently stationed themselves absofuckinglutely everywhere. Don't be frightened by their sheer numbers. Stand up for your rights as a free citizen. Stare these people down when they harass you, smile adorably, and say, "You know, I appreciate your concern. And in return, I feel it's only right for me to tell you: that dress (suit, blouse, tie, jacket...) makes you look really fat."


"What would you like today?"


"How's about a medium-rare cheeseburger with extra tomatoes and a spinach salad?"


(Extracts walkie-talkie from pocket)

"Sonny, we got another one. Get Bellevue here Stat."

Moments later, and not without a great deal of complaints on his part, Marvin is wrapped in a straitjacket, tied to a gurney and placed in the back of an ambulance.

What happened?

Concerned relatives and friends began showing up and taking their seats in a waiting area at the hospital. After waiting about an hour, a doctor emerges from a hallway and asks if they're related to our friend, Marvin. Yes, yes! They chime in together.

"Does he have a significant other with whom he resides?"

Cheryl piped up, "That would be me." The doctor beckoned her into his office.

"Miss, how long has Marvin been acting unreasonable or peculiar?"

"Unreasonable? Peculiar! He was fine this morning when he left for work. And what constitutes 'unreasonable?'"

"Well, there's no delicate way to put this...he attempted suicide earlier today."

Cheryl let out a gasp and then started crying, occasionally crying out "why?" and "that's just not him!"

The doctor suggested that close members of his family be brought in. Each person, when given the news, reacted in a similar fashion as did Cheryl.

"Do you realize that he ordered his lunch in willful disregard of the warning that 'eating under-cooked potentially hazardous foods may lead to food-borne illness?' Not only that, he compounded the situation, the situation that he's become a danger to himself, by ordering tomatoes. Haven't you any idea how many people are getting salmonella poisoning from tomatoes..."

The doctor was interrupted when a nurse entered his office with a chart. "He's sedated now and resting comfortably."

When Marvin's mother cried out, "What's this with a hamburger? And tomatoes?" The doctor jumped in "and a spinach salad, ma'am."

The nurse explained to anyone who'd listen that Marvin was a typically difficult case, presenting with having attempted to consume not just one but a combination of unwholesome food choices. "Heck, we put a very nice lady in here the other day just for eating triple treyf."

The same City Council that had prevented smoking in all public areas had just enacted a new law. Anticipating litigation from the National Restaurant Association, they left it up to the consumer to make a choice. Already in the legal pipeline was a regulation that diners carry a pocket thermometer to test if their soup meets temperature guidelines.

While it's no crime to eat a tomato in New York City, it is, indeed, a crime to cause or intent to cause harm to one's self or another person.

Since the enactment of the regulation, one can see blinds drawn where previously they let the dawn's light in; the obliterated windows to hide the horrible evidence of eggs "over easy," or, Heaven forbid, poached.

Anxious to cultivate their own tomatoes, the public at large began to purchase UV lights and potting soil in such copious amounts that limits were put on their purchase. Sushi became a black market favorite among persons of wealth and privilege, with the price of an order of Tuna Sashimi skyrocketing from $2.50 to $35.00.

Oh, and Marvin? Marvin was released from the hospital as soon as he assured his doctors he'd "eat safe." He and Cheryl promptly moved to Mexico where the price of tomatoes had plummeted, and they ate them at least once a day.

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