Food Police: (n) The people
who make editorial remarks
about what someone else is eating
, almost invariably
without having had their opinion solicited
. Food Police come from all walks of life
, health nut
s, junk food junkie
s, etc.) Their terrorism
is usually similar to one of the following examples:
a) You carry your microwave entree back to your cubicle. Along the way, an officer from the Food Police Squad asks, "Hey! Whadd'ya got?"
You: Lean Cuisine Lasagna.
FP: Oh God! I can't believe you're going to eat that! Don't you know how much sodium's in those things?!
b) You have been watching your fat intake and have made the egregious error of discussing it with your co-workers. You have a Twinkie. A Food Policeman walks by . . .
FP: Heyyyyy, I thought you were on a diet!
c) You make a habit of eating natural, high-fiber, low-calorie foods. You're having tuna salad with chick peas and vinegar. A Food Policeman happens past:
FP:"Jumping Jesus! What the hell are you eating? A Rope and sawdust salad? How can you stand that crap?!"
d) You've ordered pizza. As is your habit, you sprinkle it with Parmesan Cheese and a little salt and pepper. Your significant other, who is sharing the pizza with you, whips out his or her Food Policeman's badge and gasps:
"Holy Christ! You're putting SALT on that? How can you do that?!" (Note: It might be time to dump this person.)
There are at least eleven million other examples. The Food Police Corps are seemingly infinite in number and they have apparently stationed themselves absofuckinglutely everywhere. Don't be frightened by their sheer numbers. Stand up for your rights as a free citizen. Stare these people down when they harass you, smile adorably, and say, "You know, I appreciate your concern. And in return, I feel it's only right for me to tell you: that dress (suit, blouse, tie, jacket...) makes you look really fat."