So tonight I think this girl thought I was going to attack her(?).

I was walking down from campus back home, it was about 23:30, and as I go toward the entrance from the road to the path that takes me down the hill every night, a girl coming from the other side enters the path in front of me. The path, which is unlit, goes between a bunch of houses and the rim of a gorge. So as I start to walk down the path, I see that the girl in front of me keeps looking back over her shoulder at me and quickly turning back. She is also holding on harder to her handbag all of sudden. Wait a minute, is she afraid of me attacking her? Do I look frightening? Heck no, I'm just a guy minding his business listening to Yo La Tengo under the hood of his sweatshirt. Oh, maybe it's the hoodie! But no, maybe I just got the wrong impression, maybe she doesn't think I'm a mugger or a rapist. In any case, next time she looks over her shoulder back up at me, I nod and make a peace sign at her. I think we make eye contact, but it's hard to tell because she turns her head down the path again so quickly. You know what, I don't think that helped! I think it might have scared her even more, because when we get to the place where the windy road that goes through the houses meets up with the path (which cuts through the winds of the road to meet up with it at each wind) she takes the road, which is obviously the longer way if she's trying to get all the way down. Sure enough, when I come out the path where it meets back up with the road and look behind me, I see her coming down to the end of the path, so it's obvious she was trying to avoid me following her. Also, when I do look back, she has been looking in my direction but avoids eye contact.

So there it is. Now help me out here, what was I supposed to do to make clear to this girl that I was not going to attack her? What should I do next time? Is there some protocol to be followed in these kinds of situations? As unflattering as it is being mistaken for a creep, my concern here is for the assuredness of girls everywhere (well, unlit streets and paths mostly though).

"Instead of wastead gifts around

Instead of losing all we have
Instead of dreaming of a man you'll never have
You'd better breathe with me and feel...

Instead of planning and debating
Instead of shaping my own dream
Instead of dreaming of a son you'll never have
You'd better breathe with me and feel...

You can buy me with a coffee
I'm so cheap...

Instead of letting distance talk
Instead of losing all we have
Instead ofdreaming of a man I'll never be
You'd better breathe with me and feel...

Instead of juding day and night
Instead of wasted time on both side
Instead of guessing what the hell went wrong with me
You'd better breathe with me and feel...

You can buy me wïth a coffee
I'm so cheap..."
These lyrics keep playing on and on inside my brain...My cortex is suffering from intoxicating noises that coming back again and again and polluting every activity that I try to do....

Yesterday,while we were at your place and studying for the big test that was today,I almost bursted into tears when I heard it...
What is it that you do to me? Do you have any clue how good it feels to be next to you? As if you are my adequate combination of exchange gases for all my body's cells to function optimally. I wake up and sleep with you inside my brain, I get up in the morning only to see you at the hospital,to be next to you, to share the same surface of quadrate meters, to hear your voice...I just can't and won't unstick you from my insides!

I gave you a massage while you were reading CP and AMI...

Then you suddenly told me that for the last 5 minutes you've been reading the same paragraph without even understanding a single letter from it...I was so ecstatic to hear that,you just can't imagine!My hands were shivering of nervousness and anxiety,because my inner viscera were turning into an amorphous organic soup,feeling that I never ever had before...
Scary, terrifying, might I add,but sweet and incredibly soothing for my poor little soul.
Enjoying this combination of endorphins which your presence released from the dark hollows of my hypothalamus and limbic system,my dreams went on,walking among clouds of happiness and sparkling dust of my microscopic joys.

I got tired.
My wings(actually "arms" but I like to use this as a synonym) hurt from all that muscle moulding...
I got back to my notebook and continued reading from where I'd abandoned.

You rose,and quickly went next room.
Then the music came...
Paying not much attention to what was happening,out of connection with reality,still enjoying the bits and crumbs of emotion left inside,I suddenly heard:

"You can buy me wïth a coffee
I'm so cheap..."

You love my special elixir-as you called it-coffee.
I couldn't control a tear from glimpsing out of the corner of my eye.
Luckily you weren't there!
Is this another secret message that you're trying to whisper?
Like when you bugged me into watching Αmélie?


Then I wrote you a letter   -THAT LETTER -   which explained it all.
You agreed with me.
I tried to tell you that I love you but I'm afraid.
I'm terribly scared of what might happen out of these feelings we're cherishing.
And also since HE tried to rape me,I'm afraid of even my own shadow coming in contact with my own skin.

I hope I'm not pushing you away.

But you understand.
You're always there for you little monkey.
You feel it too,don't you?
It's becoming more powerful by the second and you're afraid not to hurt me because you might not control it anymore.
Is that it?
I've bought with you with my coffee?

You own me from long ago,but you just don't know it.

Because, My Beloved Monster, your Beautiful Freak  is experiencing the same ripping feelings...

I try and try to tell you,but I can't express it with words - and you know it! I'll use secret paths to reach the smallest distance between us.

It's like instead walking 2 meters to go to your bed,you jump out of your window and take a train,and then a plane, and only to encircle the Earth backwards to your bed.
My firewall of invisible protections against the cruel world won't let me!
Help me turn off my automatic updates!
Please insert a Trojan in a hidden data transfer and corrupt all my files...Infect all my directories and folders,steal my passwords,Oh! Please!

That girl is different from any other girl I will ever know in my life. I like it when she's my friend. In fact, I can't live when she's not in my life. Well I mean I guess I can technically "live" and breathe without her but it's not the same. When she's not around, I don't feel like I'm actually alive. But whenever she comes back into my life, it's as if everything is gonna be okay and nothing even changed between us and I can continue with my life normally again. She makes me better. She makes everything better. She fixes all my problems just by talking and acting normal just like the way things used to be. I need that. And yeah, maybe I am living in the past. And maybe I do need to accept the changes. But I can't. I know these things and I have tried my very hardest to come to terms with her new life and my new life and the way things have changed, but I don't think it'll ever fully hit me. My heart refuses to accept this reality because I know it can't possibly be right. Fate can't be done with us yet. Even if we're not together as the couple we once were, I know we're at least supposed to be friends.

I need her always and I think she needs me too. I trust that girl with my life, and I hope she knows that. I'll never share the same connection that I share with her with anybody else in this universe. She's one of a kind to me. She makes me want to be alive, to continue to endure all the tragedy and loss and unhappiness just so I can see what becomes of us in the end. She's the only reason I've got to keep going; that last shred of hope in an unkind world, that bright light always shining in my darkness, that sunshine on all my cloudy days... Everything. She is everything. Even when she's not here for me. Even when she's gone, even when she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I never stop thinking about her. She's always there inside my mind, inside my heart, inside of my soul.

Thoughts of her absence constantly eat away at my very being, like a vicious disease destroying me from the inside out. And there are times when I wonder when there will finally be nothing left, when I will finally become numb to all the pain she has caused for me (and the pain I have ultimately caused for myself). I do not think this day is going to come. I will always be haunted by her. She'll remain in my life forever because of the enormous wound she has left on my heart: an ever so agonizing reminder of the happy life I once shared with her.

As much as I would love to see the memories vanish completely, that is not how it works for me, so I hope she can understand why this is so incredibly impossible to get over. How would you feel if the love of your life wasn't there anymore, if she had moved on completely from the wonderfully perfect life you once lived together, if she had found someone new entirely and was in love with him just as (or even more than) she had been with you? Would that not tear your heart up? Would that not make you want to throw up all of your internal organs? Would that not ruin you? Do you think you could possibly ever Love again after experiencing that kind of heartbreak?

The answer is No, has always been No, will continue to forever be No, and No, it will not change.


You try living with that, then tell me what you know about misery.

It's 11:01 pm, and I can feel it coming.
During the daytime, I feel fine.
Occasionally I will drift-off to sleep... yet without fail, I am startled awake with what feels like high voltage...
Coursing through my body.
Jewelry bags of powdered toys, buzzing, scrawling symbols
Over the wall's encyclopedia. Ignorant. Become part of it.
Fighting rigor mortis every day, smiling nevertheless, for I must impress
A few more hours of sleep, I just need a little, my eyes are darkening.
I clutch my pillow... warm and perfectly contoured to my body; I swear I feel two hearts beating.
The horizon is pink and the clouds reflect a dawn that soothes; my breath returns with with morning sun.
Alone. Because all my friends are dead.

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