Men dread it, women demand it, and it’s practically inevitable. Without it, opportunity may be lost, with it, ball and chain may be shackled. Determine the Relationship, or (DTR), is a conversation held between a couple deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship.
It determines not only whether or not a relationship is to be had, but also the terms of future contact. Most people have had a DTR at one point or time in their life, even if they didn’t know it. Unless unusual circumstances abide, a DTR should be put off for a few dates.
”Honey, I think it’s time for the DTR.”
“Ugh… okay? What is that?”
“Well, I just want to know if this is going somewhere… you know?”
“Oh. I see.” (Gulps)
DTR’s aren’t always as blunt as this. Often they can be much more subtle.
Men, these are your warning signs
- You’re alone with her.
- Your woman demands eye contact.
- She starts talking about how you first met, or how you’re the most wonderful man she’s ever met, or any sort of mention about parents – i.e. family dinner, my mom asked about you, etc.
- No matter how much you attempt to change the subject, she’ll keep talking about you as a couple.
Of course it’s not always the girl who starts these conversations, but stereotypically speaking, it is. A man who wants to have a DTR has a lot more to lose. Rejection. If a guy rejects a girl’s call for a relationship, things may still be on course, they may still even date. But if a girl rejects a guy’s call for a DTR, you’re likely either in, or you’re out. This can also be true vice versa, but not to the same extreme. A girl who rejects a DTR knows the guy is already committed and may feel like he will become needy. You see, when guys make up their minds, they make up their minds, and girls seem to know this.
How not to bring up the DTR
Pressure from family and friends to push the DTR should not be included in your decision making process. I spoke with one of my friends who explained her awkward situation.
”It’s usually the girl that always brings it up. I just think guys don't care about that kind of stuff. They just think, just as long we are together then it doesn't matter. So with Jason, he's pretty quiet and doesn't open up to people so it had to be me to do it. Plus, my mom and dad wanted to know if we were serious or not. I had no clue how to bring it up. That was what made it awkward.”
So I just said, "So Jason, I was just thinking what you thought about us and my parents have been questioning me about whether we are serious or not.
So are we?”
Not only did that show the desperation of the situation, but put out the blunt question out in the open. The word serious can be misleading as well. It’s a pretty ambiguous word. To one person it may mean, “We only date each other.” To another it may mean, “Let’s get married.” There’s no fool proof way to say it, however. But it may make it less awkward if it is simplified. “Would you like to be my boyfriend/girlfriend?”
Keep it casual
Don’t scream your affection with “I love you.” Hollywood over dramatizes this. Even if you feel like you do love them, wait well into the relationship before uttering those words. They are invitation to rejection. This is especially important if you haven’t known each other very long. There is love at first sight to consider, but if it isn’t mutual…
Commit together, not alone
Saying, “I only want to date you,” is okay. Better would be, however, “What do you think about us only dating each other?” It insinuates you want to commit, but won’t do it without them. Taking steps together is exactly what relationship building is about.
”We can take this slow.”
Words that melt a women. Words that won’t scare a man. Patience is love’s favorite virtue.
Flirting creates casual. If they flirt back, that’s even better. If you can flirt with someone, that’s a good sign that you can have a relationship with them.
Lastly, a word of dating advice to consider, before the DTR
”Your beliefs are important because they determine the relationship (or lack of relationship) you end up with. For example, if you believe that all men cheat, you'll attract
cheaters. If you believe that men resist commitment, you'll probably end up with a guy who's in no hurry to sit for an engagement photo. If you believe you don't have what it takes to meet a guy who'll love you for the rest of your life, guess what? You're right. Change your beliefs, and you'll change the type of men --and relationships -- you attract.” (Ezine Articles)
My friend’s awkward moment.
Dare I say, personal experience?