Why has child abuse survived the ages as a part of the human experience? What is the underlying reason why fathers are often physically aggressive with their young daughters?

Christina Aguilera knows. In fact, Christina embodies the ideal output from the ancient fatherly rage. A timeless tradition in China commands parents to strap the feet of women from the earliest age, as they endure ritualistic pain and hardening mental agony. Yet from this cocoon of hardship emerges a beautiful butterfly... a gorgeously maimed female cleft foot, known as a Lotus Foot. In a similar fashion, Christina's father worked tirelessly to form her into the successful, outspoken, talented young women we all know and love and constantly have to lovingly close away in the form of a Japanese pop up ad.

"No!" you say, "There is no way Christina enjoyed being battered by her father!" I say to you skeptics: haven't you heard her new song? The song is an ode to her father, a tribute for his hard and diligent work. For without his tireless and ceaseless physical coaching, Christina would just be one more yinser runt from the 'burgh working at Taco Bell, or some other place where underprivileged and battle-wound free little brats work. The title of the song is "Fighter," but this really is a modest understatement. She's more than a "fighter," she's a multi-million dollar globally recognized pop music superstar! Let us examine the chorus of her hit single:

by Christina Aguilera

'Cause it makes me that much stronger

Yes yes! The physical nature of a good ol' fashioned child abuse really toughens up a young female, and prepares her for the real world ahead.

Makes me work a little bit harder

And oh boy, she sure is a hard worker! She lives a strenuous lifestyle, tirelessly working on her music while selling herself on television as an excellent visual performer.

It makes me that much wiser

Christina navigates through Hollywood better than most 50 or 60 year veterans of the industry. She definitely is wise!

So thanks for making me a fighter

And a fighter she sure is! She has had to endure lyrical onslaughts from such industry peers as Eminem and Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit.

Made me learn a little bit faster

Oh boy she is fast! She's already put out six solo albums by the age of 22!

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Scrape away all that stage makeup, and you've got a pretty thick skinned little girl, taking verbal punishment from the media for her latest metamorphosis into a more risqué entertainer.

It makes me that much smarter

Christina has to constantly deal with industry brass, and so far she has shown that she is deft enough to win over record executives and the like.

So thanks for making me a fighter

Aw, isn't that cute. Christina atones with her father, thanking him for his commitment to child abuse excellence.


2003.6.29@18:36 AnBolb says re Christina Aguilera presents the argument for child abuse:
well if Christina was my daughter
I'd probably beat the shit out of her as well


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