In the style of the Master of Frenching, hamster bong, and her how to b.s. your way through french, h.b. style comes an unofficial sequel, humbly entitled:

How to B.S. Your Way Through Spanish, {h} style!

Things to do:
1. The first thing you need to speak Spanish is, of course, Spanish words. It's not necessary to know what these words mean of course, because this is a guide to your way through Spanish, and there's nothing here about learning. Pshaw. The key to sounding like you know Spanish is to use several spanish words. Some good ones to use are "Por qué?", "Sí!", "No!", "Yo Soy", and, of course, "Cacahuate".

2. Use hand motions. I don't know what it is about languages other than English, but almost everybody I know who speaks one uses extensive hand motions. Not only will this convince your listeners that you are a native speaker, it will also distract them from -actually- listening to you.

3. Be fluent. It doesn't matter -what- you're saying, as long as you say it rapidly and fluently. Most people who know Spanish from highschool can't understand a native speaker anyway, and so if you're speaking fast enough, chances are they won't be able to understand you either.

4. Make up words that sound Spanish. Due to the latin crossover between Spanish and English, there are a lot of words that sound the same. Take English words and add either an "e" sound or an "o" or "a" sound. "President" becomes "presidente", "jar" becomes "jarro", "plate" becomes "plato" and "DMan" becomes "víctima de una conspiración liberal".

5. Have an accent. You've seen the Taco Bell commercials, you've watched bad movies in Spanish before. You know what a Spanish accent sounds like. Granted, you might not be great at your Spanish accent. Most people aren't. But coupled with rule #3, if you speak fast enough, most people won't be able to tell the difference.

Things to avoid:
1. Using phrases from popular songs. This is fairly clear. If you've heard it in a Ricky Martin song or in a Enrique Iglesias song, you probably shouldn't say it. For the record, "Shake your bon bon" is not a valid Spanish phrase. Especially because that song is a conspiracy against Soul Coughing and Super Bon Bon. Honest.

2. Using words from the Taco Bell menu. Don't do this. Ever. Saying things like "Taco, Burrito" only makes people want to rhyme your sentence with "what's that coming out of your speedo?" and saying "Chalupa Gordita Mexican Pizza" just makes you look like you enjoy Grade E meat and are a cheap fast food fool.

Several examples to get you on your way (by way of Hungarian Phrasebook methodology):
1. Excuse me, where are the bathrooms?
¿Están muy baratas las cebollas hoy?

2. You really embaressed me!
Tú me has hecho muy embarazada.

3. Thank you for all your help.
Te quiero más que el sol quiere el cielo. Vive conmigo siempre.

4. How much does this cost?
Favor de quitarte los pantalones y camisa ahorita o voy a quitártelos.

5. Does a wild emu make a good conversation piece?
Yo vivo en un árbol todos los dias porque mañana se me olividarán las pantuflas acerca del hipopótamo en el rascacielos.

Thus concludes the second in a series of howto b.s. your way through a language. Hopefully this will help you in your daily encounters with people you need to impress by lying about your linguistic prowess. One could only hope that this will be followed up by other more knowledgable everythingians such as a how to b.s. your way through japanese, sensei style. I can dream, can't I?
Just for fun, the correct translations according to my rather poor knowledge of spanish.
  • Son muy baratas las cebollas hoy? - Are the onions very cheap today?
  • Tu me has hecho muy embarazada. - You have done much to impregnate me
  • Te quiero mas que el sol quiere el cielo. Vive conmigo siempre. - I want you more than the sun wants the sky. Live with me always.
  • Favor de quitar tus pantalones y camisa ahorita o yo voy a quitarlos. - Please remove your pants and shirt now or I will remove them for you.
  • Yo vivo en un arbol todas las dias porque manana me olividare las pantuflas acerca del hipopotamo en el rascacielos. - I live in a tree all the days because tomorrow the (some type of pants) will forgot about the hippopotamus in the skyscraper.

Er, not really sure about the last one there...

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