In the style of the
Master of Frenching,
hamster bong, and her
how to b.s. your way through french, h.b. style comes an unofficial sequel, humbly entitled:
How to B.S. Your Way Through Spanish, {h} style!
Things to do:
1. The first thing you need to speak
Spanish is, of course, Spanish
words. It's not necessary to know what these words mean of course, because this is a guide to
b.s.ing your way through Spanish, and there's nothing here about
learning. Pshaw. The key to sounding like you know Spanish is to use several spanish words. Some good ones to use are "Por qué?", "Sí!", "No!", "Yo Soy", and, of course, "Cacahuate".
2. Use hand motions. I don't know what it is about languages other than English, but almost everybody I know who speaks one uses
extensive hand motions. Not only will this convince your
listeners that you are a
native speaker, it will also distract them from -actually- listening to you.
3. Be fluent. It doesn't matter -what- you're saying, as long as you say it
rapidly and
fluently. Most people who know
Spanish from highschool can't
understand a native speaker anyway, and so if you're speaking
fast enough, chances are they won't be able to understand you either.
4. Make up words that sound Spanish. Due to the
latin crossover between
Spanish and
English, there are a lot of words that sound the same. Take English words and add either an "e" sound or an "o" or "a" sound. "President" becomes "presidente", "jar" becomes "jarro", "plate" becomes "plato" and "
DMan" becomes "víctima de una conspiración liberal".
5. Have an accent. You've seen the
Taco Bell commercials, you've watched
bad movies in Spanish before. You know what a Spanish accent sounds like. Granted, you might not be great at your
Spanish accent. Most people aren't. But coupled with
rule #3, if you speak fast enough, most people won't be able to tell the
difference.
Things to avoid:
1. Using phrases from popular songs. This is
fairly clear. If you've heard it in a
Ricky Martin song or in a
Enrique Iglesias song, you probably shouldn't say it. For the record, "
Shake your bon bon" is not a valid Spanish phrase. Especially because that song is a
conspiracy against
Soul Coughing and
Super Bon Bon.
Honest.
2. Using words from the Taco Bell menu. Don't do this. Ever. Saying things like "Taco, Burrito" only makes people want to rhyme your sentence with "
what's that coming out of your speedo?" and saying "Chalupa Gordita Mexican Pizza" just makes you look like you enjoy
Grade E meat and are a
cheap fast food fool.
Several examples to get you on your way (by way of
Hungarian Phrasebook methodology):
1.
Excuse me, where are the bathrooms?
¿
Están muy baratas las cebollas hoy?
2.
You really embaressed me!
Tú me has hecho muy
embarazada.
3.
Thank you for all your help.
Te quiero más que el sol quiere el cielo. Vive conmigo siempre.
4.
How much does this cost?
Favor de quitarte los pantalones y camisa ahorita o voy a quitártelos.
5.
Does a wild emu make a good conversation piece?
Yo vivo en un árbol todos los dias porque mañana se me olividarán las pantuflas acerca del hipopótamo en el rascacielos.
Conclusion:
Thus concludes the second in a series of howto b.s. your way through a language. Hopefully this will help you in your daily encounters with people you need to
impress by lying about your
linguistic prowess. One could only hope that this will be followed up by other more
knowledgable everythingians such as a
how to b.s. your way through japanese, sensei style.
I can dream, can't I?