Introduction
Fisting is the sexual practice of
inserting an entire hand, up to the wrist, into the
vagina or anus. It's also sometimes called
(somewhat crudely) "fist-fucking"; within
the gay male community, anal fisting is often known
as "handballing". While most often this involves one
person (the fister) penetrating
another (the fistee), there are
statistically significant numbers of people who have
the flexibility to penetrate themselves with their
own hands ("self-fisting").
This writeup explains the details of vaginal fisting
for people who are curious to try it. While a fair
amount of the details herein certainly apply to anal
fisting as well, do not use this as a reference for
that activity — there are far better resources
available. The intended audience for this writeup is
a couple consisting of a woman with a partner of either
gender. In my ideal world, the couple would read this
together before proceeding, or at least read it
seperately and then talk about it together
beforehand. I've tried to orient this document towards
both intended readers rather than just either one.
If you only read one section in this writeup
closely, make it this one. Please. For your own
sake.
First and foremost: Is this an activity you
should be trying? Fisting is not an activity
for people who do not enjoy penetration. If the woman
in question has problems enjoying penetration with
fingers, sex toys, or penises, she almost
certainly will not enjoy fisting.
Is this an activity you both have interest in
trying? If either partner is
uninterested or reluctant to participate,
for whatever reason, call it off.
Do you have good communication? Can
you both be relied upon to speak up
when something needs to be said? To listen to your
partner and give them all requisite consideration?
To not pressure someone into doing something against
their better judgement? If the answer is no, stop
right now. Go work on your communication before trying
fisting.
While fisting is not particularly dangerous (least of
all compared to things we do every day, like
driving), it does involve stretching an intimate
part of a woman's body past everyday ranges. While the
stretching is certainly within normal
operating parameters for the body part,
listen to your body: if it's telling
you that what you're doing hurts real bad,
stop. It's an indication that you're
trying to take your body too far, or maybe just too
fast. While people often report that there is some
amount of pain involved with fisting, it's almost
always of the "hurts so good" variety, and is
accompanied by dramatic pleasure. Intense
pain, unaccompanied by anything else, is
not the goal, it's a warning sign.
Heed it.
The fister needs to take care of themselves as well. If
their hand or arm starts hurting due to their
position or the compression of their hand,
stop. While there's no chance of
serious injury (stories of people having their hands
broken during fisting are urban legends), you don't
want to strain your muscles, or reduce the blood
flow to your limbs too much. If nothing else, it might
make you have to end the fisting before you want to,
and what fun is that? Again, listen to your
body: if it's complaining, try different
positions until you find one that's more comfortable,
or take a break to give you a chance to recover and try
again.
This is the most important section of the entire
writeup, and I urge you to give it serious and honest
consideration. If fisting isn't something you're both
ready and enthusiastic to try, give it a pass. You
can always try it again later after you've worked
through whatever concerns and issues you have. It's far
better to put it off for a while than to try it when
ill prepared and have it go poorly. Sexual activities
are already emotionally loaded for couples, and that's
even more true when there's the potential for pain.
Supplies
Supply requirements:
- lube — the details of selecting a lube are
beyond the scope of this writeup, but try the excellent
sexual lubricants node
- nail clippers
- a nail file or emory board
Supply suggestions:
- disposable gloves (latex, nitrile or vinyl)
- cotton balls — for putting in the tips of
the gloves to provide an additional layer of
protection against fingernails
- towels (lots of 'em, the bigger the better)
— put them down on your bed to keep the lube from
getting on your sheets
- a couple glasses of water — you'll want them
after you're done
- a washcloth — for cleaning lube off things
- extra pillows — for providing support and
cushioning (see below under Assume The
Position)
Pre-Event Grooming
Long, ragged, or sharp fingernails can cause pain
when you penetrate someone with your fingers. This goes
double for fisting: all five fingers are involved, and
there's more force pushing your nails against the
woman's vagina. What might be acceptable for
penetration with two fingers won't fly when the whole
hand is involved. Do not skip this
step!
Clip, clean, and and file the fister's
fingernails as short as possible, being sure to remove
any sharp or ragged edges. The filing step is
mandatory as well; freshly clipped
nails are sharp, and that's worse than
than having them be long. Give both hands the same
treatment, so long as you're doing it. In for a penny,
in for a pound, and as you'll see below, you may end
up using a different hand for this than you expect.
Take your time and do this right; scratching someone's
delicate insides of is one of the quickest ways to
end what otherwise would be a most pleasant
experience.
If the fister doesn't want to ruin their expensive
manicure or nail job, or is concerned that the trim
is insufficient, or you're operating under a deadline
and don't have time to do it right, put half a cotton
ball in the fingertip of each glove to isolate the
fister's nails. It's not perfect, but it's
much better than nothing.
Strictly speaking, absent the normal safer sex
concerns, gloves are, in fact, optional for this
activity. Despite that, I highly
recommend using them, for a good number of reasons:
- Gloves provide a much smoother surface than your
skin, which is extremely helpful
when you're working on getting your fist inside
someone. Any minimization of friction is
beneficial.
- Gloves help buffer the edges of your fingernails.
- Gloves make cleanup easier. Once you're done, pull
them off and toss them away, and your hands are
immediately clean and dry (if a bit sweaty and
flushed), and you can proceed with the cuddling
without having to go wash up first. Additionally, if
you need to stop suddenly, instantly having clean hands
to deal with whatever issue has arisen is a clear
benefit.
- Your hands are your primary manipulators in your
day to day life, and thus are exposed to numerous
unpleasant substances that you don't want to deposit
inside the woman's vagina; gloves prevent that from
happening. If you're not going to use gloves, wash your
hands and forearms thoroughly, and
make sure you do a really good job of
cleaning under your fingernails.
- Gloves can be sexy, if you eroticize them
properly.
Standard safe sex rules apply: make sure you pick a
lube that's compatible with your barrier. Oil-based
lubricants break down latex, etc.
While I'm on the subject, here's an additional Public
Service Announcement: latex allergies
are on the rise, and they appear to be exacerbated by
exposure. This is a concern for both the person being
penetrated and the glove-wearer: latex
allergies are most common among health care workers
who wear latex gloves all day. So, do yourselves a
favor: try some latex-alternative barrier products if
you can. The commonly available non-latex gloves are
nitrile and vinyl. Nitrile behaves very much like latex
and usually comes in robin's egg blue, but can be a
bit expensive and hard to find. Vinyl gloves are cheap
and easily available, but regrettably are not as good a
material as latex or nitrile; they tend to deform and
thin under stress a little too easily for my
tastes.
Set The Stage
Set the mood. Dim the lights a little, if you like,
but not so much that you can't see what you're doing.
Turn the TV off. If you like music
during sex, pick something intimate and relaxing,
not the stuff you like to play during hard, pounding,
endless fucking. Fisting can take some concentration;
you want to create an environment that's relaxed but
focused and intimate.
Gather all your supplies together beforehand. If
everything goes well, one person will have their hand
embedded in their partner, and having to take the
hand out to retrieve a forgotten item is a real
bummer. Put the towels out on the bed to catch any
lube spillage.
Don't try to jump right into it. A woman's vagina
becomes more elastic as she becomes
aroused. Start slow, without heavy
penetrative play. If the woman in question is one of
those lucky lucky multiorgasmic ladies, you may want
to try getting her off a few times first to help
loosen everything up. Oral sex, external application
of a vibrator, or mutual or
solo masturbation are all excellent ideas to get her
motor running, but in the end, do whatever works for
her.
Now, you have to pick which hand the you're going to
try fisting with. Most people are slightly
asymmetric, and one of the ways that manifests is
slight size differences between paired body parts:
one hand, foot, eye, breast, testicle, arm, leg, etc.
will be slightly bigger or longer than the other. There
are a variety of urban legends and old wives' tales
about this: if you're right handed, your left hand and
left foot will be bigger, or there's a "clumsy & strong
& big" hand and a "dextrous & weak & small" hand. I
haven't found any substantial truth to these; the best
way I've found to measure which hand is bigger is
empirically, either via something like glove sizing,
or, well, fisting. (This is how I determined my left
hand is smaller than my right, even though I'm
right-handed.)
If the fister has relatively small hands, this
shouldn't matter much. However, if the fister has
bigger than average hands, you may be able to achieve
success with the smaller hand, and not the bigger hand.
(This was the case with the first woman I fisted.)
There's no magic formula here: if you can't clearly
tell which hand is bigger, try both and see which one
you have more success with. If you're trying this for
the first time, you may want to glove up both hands so
that the you can switch off quickly if you decide to
try the other hand.
In any event, once you've picked your hand (or hands),
glove them up: it's time for things to start getting
messy and serious.
Positioning is important in fisting, perhaps more so
than in any other penetrative activity. You're
attempting to expand the woman's vagina beyond its
typical daily range, and the positioning of her
pelvis and legs can dramatically affect the space
available within her pelvic cavity. There are three
major positions that seem to work for fisting. Start
with the one that you think has the best chance of
success, but don't be afraid to try the others.
- Missionary: The woman lies on
her back, knees bent and feet resting flat, and her
partner kneels between her spread legs. (If it's more
comfortable, she can try resting them on her partner's
shoulders). It can be beneficial to elevate her pelvis
into the air somewhat; take the extra pillows and put
them under her hips. (Don't forget to put them
under the towels to keep the lube
off.)
- On Her Side: The woman lies on
one side at about 85 degrees, and holds one leg up in
the air. (Again, resting it on her partner's shoulder
for comfort if necessary.) Use the extra pillows under
her hip for support and elevation if necessary.
- Hands And Knees: The woman
supports herself on her hands and knees. Alternately,
she can fold her arms under and rest on her shoulders;
this may be optimal, as it tends to tilt the pelvis
upward somewhat. (As an added bonus, it frees up her
hands to reach between her legs and play with her
clitoris.) Use the extra pillows to support her
shoulders, or pile them up so she can rest her abdomen
and hips on them and thus not have to hold herself up.
(If the lack of eye contact in this position is a
concern, get a full length mirror and place it in front
of the fister. Eye contact and facial expression can be
important parts of communication during fisting —
as well as one of the sublime joys of the experience
— so I strongly recommend this.)
Whatever position you do choose, make sure it's
comfortable for her to stay there for an extended
period of time. Positions where she has to support her
body weight are suboptimal; use the extra pillows to
make a cushion she can relax on.
Lube is essentially mandatory for fisting. Much like
skipping gloves, you may be able to get away with it
sometimes, but there's really no reason to do so. Most
women provide insufficient natural
lubrication to make fisting comfortable. Even if you
know or suspect that you are one of the rare few that
do, please, try it with lube the first few times at
least, just to be safe.
There are two simple rules for lube in general, and
they apply double during fisting:
- There is no such thing as too much
lube.
- Cold lube is a turn-off; warm it up first.
You can warm the lube up either by squirting it onto
your gloved hands and rubbing the palms together to
create friction, which has the side benefit of helping
distribute the lube over your gloves, or by slightly
more technological means. I'm told that baby bottle
warmers work well for this purpose; if you're lacking
such items, warm up some water in the microwave or on
the stove, and float the bottle of lube in it for a
while. If you're going to warm it up by artificial
means, test it on your forearm first, so you don't end
up squirting too-hot lube directly onto your hands or
her genitalia.
Get your gloved hand(s) sufficiently covered with the
lube, making sure to get both the palm and the back of
the hand, and inbetween the fingers. (This is why you
put the towels down earlier, so that you don't underdo
the lube for fear of creating a giant cold greasy lube
spot on your bed.) You don't need to overdo it when
you're first lubing up; you'll be supplementing with
additional lube repeatedly during the process.
Don't be afraid to add more lube later,
whenever you think it might be necessary.
Add some lube directly onto the woman by squirting it
onto the top of her vagina and penetrating her with one
finger, or two if past experience has shown that you
can do that easily. Use your fingers to help carry the
lube inside. Work on encouraging her vagina to stretch
by moving your fingers around gently. The goal here is
to keep her arousal level up, encouraging
her vagina to expand, and periodically introducing an
additional finger and more lube. Don't forget that
penetration is not everything — pay attention
to the rest of her body during this phase, too. Don't
be resistant to letting her help; some of the best
fisting experiences I've participated in were achieved
through me concentrating on penetration while she
rubbed her clit. Again, if she's multiorgasmic, an
orgasm or two at various points can contribute
wonderfully to helping the process along.
When you feel comfortable trying, introduce another
finger, along with more lube. If there's resistance,
don't force it — back off and try again in a bit.
Attempting to hurry this doesn't help you, and only
increases the likelyhood that one of you will get
frustrated and sore and want to stop. Fisting
should not be a goal-oriented activity; getting
there is more than half of the fun. You've got your
gloved, lubed fingers deeply penetrating your partner;
that should be a fun night by anyone's standards.
Continue until you have four fingers inside your
partner. My usual metric for proceeding is, if you've
got all four fingers inside, lined up in a plane
(like a knife-edge chop in martial arts), inside
her to the point where the web between your thumb and
index finger is resting against the top of her vagina,
and your thumb is placed right above her clit, and you
still have room to wiggle their fingers a little,
you're ready to try and proceed. Please don't try and
skip steps; if you can't get four fingers inside
comfortably, five is not going to work.
Pull your hand back slightly, and apply more lube, both
to your hand and her vagina. Pay special attention to
the widest part of your hand, where the root of the
thumb joins the palm. If there's going to be any
problems fitting your hand inside, this is where it's
going to happen.
Straighten your fingers, and curl your hand into as
much of a cylinder as possible. Pull the fingertips
towards each other, as close as possible, until they
form sort of a point. If you're doing this right, your
hand will look like a duck's bill. The goal here is
to make your hand present the smallest possible profile
to get it past her vaginal opening.
Gently move your hand forward and attempt to slide it
into the her vagina. Apply copious amounts of lube
and additional sexual stimulation as necessary. As
the widest part of your hand reaches the vaginal
opening, things should start to get tight; apply more
lube if necessary. I've found that once you get to that
point, gently rotating your hand back and
forth is an excellent way to gain purchase and move
forward. Don't be afraid to withdraw and begin
penetration again; this is a good way to help her
vagina become accustomed to stretching and expanding.
Many people report that it's helpful to coordinate
your hand movements with her breathing: withdraw your
fingers as she inhales, and insert as she
exhales. As you progress, it can also be beneficial
for her to bear down with her vaginal muscles as
she exhales; this helps her vagina open up and slide
onto your hand.
Do not exert more than light forward
pressure. Do not try and force your hand inside. If the
hand is not making forward progress, force is not going
to make it go in, it's only going to hurt your
partner.
Eventually, the widest part of your hand will make it
past the vaginal opening, and suddenly, the resistance
will vanish, your hand will slide forward completely
into her vagina, and the vaginal opening will settle
around the your wrist. As your hand slides in, it
should naturally curl into something approximating a
fist. It doesn't matter if your thumb is inside or
outside the fist; I suggest the former. (This isn't
fighting, nobody is going to break your thumb.)
Congratulations,
you made it!
First off, don't do anything
dramatic.. The woman will need some time to
adjust to the new and thrilling experience of
having someone's entire hand inside her. Immediately
starting strong movements or introducing new
sensations can sour the whole process. Go slow —
you spent all this time getting here, you can spend a
little more time now to ensure a pleasant experience.
Let her guide and control the action; her body and
pleasure are the subject of this exercise, and only
she can tell you what feels good, what feels bad,
what's too intense, and what she wants to happen.
An important thing to remember is that with this much
penetration, a little motion creates a
lot of sensation. Your should not make
dramatic moves; it may be too intense or suddenly
painful. Here's a list of suggestions — with all
of them, remember to start slowly and gently:
- Rotate your hand.
- Rock your hand from side to side.
- Open and clench your fist.
- Move your hand in circles.
- Penetrate deeper, then withdraw back to your
starting position.
- Stroke the walls of her vagina with your
fingertips.
As you experiment with techniques and she gets used
to the new sensations, you can try making the motions
slightly more pronounced and energetic. As always, go
slowly and don't be afraid to back off if something
turns out not to work. This is uncharted territory
for you both, and you should be properly respectful.
As earlier, penetration is still not everything. Don't
neglect the rest of her body while your hand is inside
her; try oral sex or external application of a
vibrator. (The washcloth comes in handy here to clean
extra lube off of her clitoris. It also helps to use a
lube that doesn't taste like ass.)
If you can make the positioning work, there's a special
frisson to kissing someone deeply while you've got
your hand inside them.
Experiences of orgasm during fisting differ. Some women
find they orgasm copiously, while others find the
sensations of fisting so intense and directed that
orgasm would be impossible or counterproductive.
Don't be locked into the idea of the woman having an
orgasm during fisting; from all indications, the
sensations are dramatic enough as-is. If the woman
does orgasm during fisting, the contractions of her
vagina may be strong enough to try and push the
fister's hand out. You should be aware of this so that
your hand is not prematurely ejected, or you can take
advantage of this when it comes time to remove your
hand ("Riding the wave out").
As a final note, be careful of the cervix: many women
find it very sensitive and painful, so you should take
care not to blunder into it roughtly. Contrariwise,
some women find they like rough stimulation on their
cervix, but, as always, experiment, and start slow
and gentle.
All good things must come to an end, and so with
fisting as well. When it comes time to remove your
hand, reverse the process that you used to get it in.
Unfurl your fist into a duckbill shape and gently
begin to withdraw, rotating back and forth as
necessary. Don't forget that you can still add more
lube; that can help just as much in this phase.
Depending on how tight the fit is, it's entirely
possible to create an airtight seal between your hand
and her vaginal opening, and this can make removing
your hand difficult. In this situation, run a finger
from your other hand between your fisting hand and her
vaginal lips to gently break the seal.
What now? Toss your gloves into the trash, and fall
into each other's arms for a while, and revel in this
fabulous experience that you have just shared. Get
the glasses of water (remember those?); you've both
just put in quite a workout, and you'll probably want
them.
Take some time later to talk over this experience:
what was good, what was bad, what was great, what you
might want to try next time. (Should there be a next
time?) Keep the lines of communication open
afterwards as well; your interactions
can only benefit.
Once you feel you've mastered the basics, there are
several variants you can try:
- Try a different position. (See above under
Assume The Position)
- Add anal penetration with fingers or toys during
the process. (If you're going to try this, be cautious
and go slow! Having a fist inside a woman takes up room
inside her pelvis, and that room has to come from
somewhere. She may not enjoy as much anal penetration
under these circumstances as she normally does.)
- Add bondage to the mix: try tying down her
wrists. (The legs should probably remain free to allow
for optimal positioning.)
- If you're feeling especially adventuresome, there
is a variety of "sexual furniture" available, e.g.
ob/gyn examining tables. Suspended slings are
also especially popular for fisting.
So you've followed the above directions to the letter,
and given it your best try, and you can't quite achieve
liftoff? Here are some things to think about.
One: Do you have the basics covered?
Did you use enough lube? Did you try different
positions? (Again, see above under Assume The
Position.)
Two: The elasticity of a woman's
vagina can fluctuate based on her hormonal state.
You may find that you have more success closer to or
further away from her period. Be willing to put your
plans on hold and try again in a day or two. As
touchy-feely as this sounds, her emotional state
can affect this as well; you may have better luck on a
day when she's overall relaxed, happy, and content.
Three: This is the big one: as much as
you may want not want to accept it, the fister's hand
may simply be too big for the fistee. If, after
multiple attempts and varying all of the above
factors, you're still unable to get it in all the
way, you will have to sit down and accept this as the
reality of the situation. Don't take this too hard:
this is definitely one area where it does not pay to be
goal-oriented.
Even if you can't achieve full fisting, so what? You
can still have lots of fun going as far as possible,
and periodically trying for full fisting if you like.
The key here is not to allow yourselves to become
frustrated and disappointed because you
can't do one specific thing, which is really quite
small in the grand scheme of the sexual universe.
Sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, and the
simple fact that you're trying this means you have good
communication and are willing to experiment and try
new things with each other, and that's
much more important.
A Note On BDSM And Fisting
Non-"kinky" couples may have heard about
fisting as a "BSDM activity", and thus might be
reluctant to try it — don't let this stop you!
While fisting is probably more common among people who
engage in BDSM play, there is no inherent power
exchange in the activity itself. You can do it without
having to choose any roles or associations you don't
want.
Good luck, have fun!
Special commendation to elaine for
copyediting and extensive suggestions and corrections,
above and beyond the call of duty.