I'm going to Massachusetts again this weekend, to see Dar Williams -- or, at least, that's the plan. A few weeks ago I went over a bump of some sort -- OK, I drove, intentionally, over a curb, because I was stupid -- and since then it's taken a Herculean effort to keep the car moving in a straight line.

Why can't it ever be something simple? I was prepared for an alignment. $60, maybe $100 tops if I needed a new tire due to rounding compensation.

$600.

The right control arm has apparently been horribly, horribly damaged. Apparently if I'd kept driving, eventually the wheel'd fall off, or something equally dire.

I don't have $600. Donations would be greatly appreciated. Amuse yourself by sending me a few pennies via paypal (dmd@3e.org).

I'm developing an oddly antagonistic relationship with one of the security guards at my office. Whenever he sees me, he makes some stupid comment like "Smile, it can't be that bad" or "Still not happy today?" or "What's the matter?", all with the annoying grin of a kindly grandfather whom you suspect secretly knows full well that he is driving you insane.

Some background: I admit, I get this a lot. First of all, I'm not a morning person. Secondly, I tend to look like I'm frowning when I'm thinking about something. And I'm usually thinking about something because my brain has no "idle" mode. Which is probably why I have insomnia. Which probably contributes to my not being a morning person. Life is so circular.

Anyway, so I've just completed the drive to work (I hate driving because it's so boring), I've walked the quarter-mile from the back parking lot, and by this time the lack of external stimulus has caused me to burrow into some abstract train of thought about something. It doesn't matter what. It's probably a lead-in to whatever I'm going to think/surf about in between actually working today to keep me from going insane.

But right now I'm just thinking and trudging up to the building. Pull out my ID card to swipe through the slot, and I catch movement in my peripheral vision, don't notice because I'm THINKING, dammit, until I hear the voice from the golf cart that makes me cringe:

"Cheer up!"

ARGH!

I tried being polite at first, when this all started, even with a fake smile. I've tried explaining that I'm not a morning person. But for some reason this didn't work and instead it became a personal vendetta for him. Whenever he sees me, he has to make a comment about my cheerfulness and lack thereof.

A few days ago I finally snapped and said "You need to pick a new victim," before stomping into the building.

It didn't make any difference.

Everything Day Logs
Yesterday | Tomorrow
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Everything Snapshot

Time: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 02:50:07 GMT
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Number of nodes: 753149 (1172 new since November 16, 2000 [167.4 wa7])
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JeffMagnus node of the day: http://slashdot.msn.com/

I blushed tonight...

I had forgotten
what that felt like.

Why are people so complicated?

Woke up at the asscrack of dawn to drive my parents to the airport... in the entire last three months I have seen my dad for three hours, now he's off to Brazil again. What good is money when you're whoring yourself out, literally 24/7? I'm not going to bitch and whine about growing up without a father figure, but I can pinpoint a lot of my troubles in that direction.

Andreea jokingly accuses me of creating a standard that no other guy can live up to. So why is she dating him? I'm going to Boston thursday, I'll probably meet her new boyfriend. She said things are pretty serious, even though this is his first real relationship. This is going to get ugly, I can tell already.

Mr. D. came in again today for his One Week Post-Op review. Last week November 9, 2000, I did a full clearance for him. That is, I extracted all his teeth, leaving only 2 lower teeth. This is done under general anaesthesia at the local Day Surgery. He woke up with the new dentures in his mouth.

He was not too happy today. But he's only ever been happy ONCE in all the times that I have seen him - that was November 10, 2000. He complains a lot, to the extent his son/daughter who accompanies him to the appointments feel embarrassed!

There were some sore spots under his dentures, but that was to be expected as the gums heal up. In fact, they were healing quite well. I adjusted the tissue fitting surface of the denture and also the occlusion. I also removed the sutures I placed.

He doesn't clean his new dentures or his only two remaining teeth...I think to myself: some habits just don't change. It was really filthy and I felt sick. I threatened that if he still wasn't cleaning his dentures next week, I would refuse to adjust them for him! How does he expect his gums to heal if the dentures that sit on are the breeding ground for new flora?

He was slightly happier when he left 'cos I adjusted the sore spots.

12:51

Last night I played MGS 'til 3:30... =) Cool game. Really cool.

It has many deliberate breaks of immersion, which is kind of interesting. I always find it interesting when the characters (in fiction in general - books, movies and so on) "speak to the reader".

(Discussion from my memory, not exact:)

Solid Snake: So what's [Meryl's] frequency?

DARPA guy: It's... uh... I can't remember.

Snake: Damn!

DARPA guy: But it must be printed on the back of the CD cover!

I first thought "What, does Snake have a CD-ROM somewhere?" but then I realized it referred to the CD-ROM cover that I had on desk in front of me... =)

15:48

Dealing with Spam:

Dear Onliner...

How they dare to call me an one-liner. *BOOM*

::reloads the assault rifle with more 7.65mm:s::

From the direction of ICANN, new domains: .aero, .coop...

The chickens are coming!

The chickens are coming!

First Chicken Run, and then this! Looks like the chickens are planning a glorious counterstrike against the furries and all the foxes of furrydom... RUN! Run for your lives!

=)

20:34

I updated Aroo! (the linklist on my home page), experienced some level of sugar intoxication (too much Earl Grey with way too much sugar =) and such. Nothing interesting. Nothing interesting at all.

20:37

Ahhh, screw it. You won't be seeing myself online tonight - I'm going to play MGS. I've been always to same places every night, tonight will be a bit different, no chat, just action... =)


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: immersion


broke a thumbnail really bad last night. i keep my nails manicured, and the silk wrap really meant my nail didn't want to break. but when it did, it broke good. it bled nicely. so i took decided (probably stupidly) to remove the silkwrap from my nails so as to avoid any other severe breaks like this one. I doubt I did it at all properly, and the result is my nails are all very short, paper thin, and peeling like an i don't know what. grrr. the pain will go away shortly, but it's weird having short nails again.

last night i decided to take my poor unidentified cactus and assume it was a columnar cactus which i would survive propagation through stem cutting. many columnar cacti can, including those from the genus i believe my cactus to be (echniposis). so i sterilized a sharp knife and cut the healthy top off that badboy. In a few days the cut should callous and I will put the cutting into nice fresh cactus soil. We'll see if it grows. i hope so.
more later...
I called that guy who owes me $3,646 every half an hour yesterday, until noon. Then I called him every 20 minutes, then evey fifteen. When we finally spoke at three, he let me know that he was on his way to a meeting but, and I quote, "I swear I'll be able to pay you something tomorrow. I promise. Let's just not get the state involved. Please?"

So, in twenty minutes I'll be showering, getting bundled up, and heading my ass out to Plano, TX to get half my due.

In other news, on Saturday, two monumental things are going to happen:
  • It's going to snow in Dallas, TX, where I live, which never ever ever happens
  • I'm going to meet Mike Modano

One last thing: Something happened almost immediately after I day logged yesterday: I was called by a recruiter from AOL.

Is working for the enemy worth a six figure salary?
Fifth Day After Starting Work:

previous

Last night I went to the doctor. I told him everything, we talked for an hour and a half and I wept for every minute of it. He diagnosed me with clinical depression, prescribed me Paxil, and booked a meeting with a psychiatrist. I've never been so scared in my life.

I'm not going to work anymore now. The doctor recommended 4 - 6 weeks off. That seemed a bit excessive at first, but now I don't know... I only talked to my office manager about it, and she seemed to understand, but it's a really crappy thing to do, show up at a job, find out they need you, and four days later take a month off.

Sigh... I just hope my treatment will help me out of this dumb hole.

I've been reading the literature that the doctor gave me. It's kinda scary too. Some of the rare side effects of Paxil are pretty nasty, and I'm already feeling some of the common ones, tremors, dizziness and nausea. The thing is, the literature also explains that depression is a biological and not a mental disease. Clinical depression is not someone just feeling bad for a while. It's also not necessarily caused by real world troubles, they just tend to help it become consuming. It's actually something that happens chemically inside of their brain, and that's why the pills are necessarily.

Paxil is a type of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or SSRI. It's kinda the same thing as prozac, but it has less nasty side effects. The drug stops serotonin (a chemical linked to mood, and found in the brain) from being too quickly absorbed back into the brain cells after it's produced. This means that more of the chemical stays in my brain, and I don't always feel like a piece of shit. The thing is, the drug takes up to two weeks to start working, so right now, I don't just feel really because of the depression, but also because of the pill's side effects. Not cool.

My next step is to start talking to a counselor. I'm really afraid of that, but I'm not sure why. I know anything I tell them will be kept in strict confidence, but it's the idea that gets to me... For some reason, I find it easier to tell people something over the Internet than to tell it to one person I don't know.
6AM, Hamilton Park in Weehawken, NJ, overlooking the Hudson River. My flatmate is shooting some black-and-white motion film for her cinemaphotography class. I've brought my cheap-o 35mm camera. Hunkered down between two parked cars, she's loading film, assembling the lenses. "How soon til you're ready, Jenn?" "Um, a couple of minutes, why? What am I missing? -Oh!"
The river is almost luminous, polished cold liquid blue steel. Uptown, the light haze burns scarlet in the air, and headlights of cars on the West Side Highway fuse into a neon ribbon. Directly across the river, around 30th Street, skyscrapers mask the sunrise, but planes of sunshine through lines of cloud streak the mist overhead with brilliant clear light, illuminating fantastic, intricate curlicue textures. By the time the sun clears the skyline, I'm out of film.
Put a spectacular sunrise behind it, and any city looks like the City of God. It's easy to imagine why early cultures worshipped the sun - for a few eternal moments, the glory and majesty are almost unbearable.
I woke up this morning with blood all over my hands. I hope whatever happened it was fun, cuz I can't remember any of it.

Added some pages to a story, wrote some poetry and now I'm going to try and clense myself. Then it's class and work. My nasty dream is giong to, I hope, be a simple blurred memory.

Last night was full of odd conversations, some cut off too quick.. others lingered on a bit..

I didn't sleep.. I tried.. I just have a lot on my mind.. A thought entered my mind.. am I a possible candidate for a fate similar to someone I loved? Not identical.. but similar.. along with the carrying of sadness, guilt, and fear.. yet to only be lessened by small boosts of something to get by. A way of living that causes those who care for you so much grief.. which I know first hand. I don't think I am on this road.. but until earlier.. I never saw it as a possibility.

So i've been up for forever and a day.. this weekend is a weekend alone.. the first time i've really been alone in weeks.. well at least 2. I leave when the weekend is over.. back to California.. there is so much I should do, there is so much I want to do.. and part of that is nothing.

Sleep, except that first afternoon.. along with food have been something that hasn't been found in my grasp since I've been home. It's like.. argh.. I am going to be up front with my actions. I refuse to hide what I do. When I was away, I ate 2 meals a day, and I slept every night. Why can't I seem to do this as part of a normal routine.. why must both of these things haunt me..

I know why.. because of this fucked up need I have to make everything think things are ok.. "Don't worry about me".. smile smile.. It's so hard to do something like go on one of my fasting weekends.. and not talk about it.. because it builds.. but the more it builds.. the more fearful I get of scaring people.. like.. I mean someone is going to notice if we go to dinner and I don't eat.. and I have been with them all day and I haven't eaten.. that might even be disturbing. When I fast alone.. I get my nutrients.. I look full of energy and happy and healthy.. and no one wonders when my last meal was.. "Oh, I ate just before I saw you.." It's not like I do it every day.. I mean it's not healthy.. but it's certainly healthier than other things I can be doing.. I know this.. it doesn't make it ok.. but as long as I keep it under control..

Mother always said I'd be very attractive
When I grew up, when I grew up.
"Diff'rent," she said, "With a special something
And a very, very personal flair."

And though I was eight or nine,
Though I was eight or nine,
Though I was eight or nine,
I hated her.

Now, "Diff'rent" is nice, but it sure isn't pretty.
"Pretty" is what it's about.
I never met anyone who was "diff'rent"
Who couldn't figure that out.
So beautiful I'd never lived to see.

But it was clear, If not to her,
Well, then... to me... But

Everyone is beautiful at the ballet.
Every prince has got to have his swan.
Yes, Everyone is beautiful at the ballet.

Up a steep and very narrow stairway
To the voice like a metronome.
Up a steep and very narrow stairway

It wasn't paradise...
It wasn't paradise...
It wasn't paradise...

But it was home.

- "At The Ballet", A Chorus Line

I will not notice him today. He is the same as everybody else. I am not a 13-year-old school girl. I've gotten off of a relationship before without making a fool of myself, I just don't notice him any more than anybody else. I don't put my hand close in case he wants to take it. I didn't buy this dress for him. I didn’t clean my room and vacuum just in case he might want to stop by. Damn I hate how this stuff turns me into a little girl again. I did not buy this dress. I did not buy this dress! I don’t notice anything. I don't notice anything, I do not expect anything, I will probably be excluded from group activities so they can invite my ex-boyfriend for once anyway. I will sit home all day tomorrow and study quantum mechanics and paint and bake something for desert for the dinner, I will not see him, I will not talk to him unless spoken to and he will not speak to me and this just leaves me in that stupid place of waiting again. Waiting and waiting when I know exactly what's going on. I did not buy this dress. I can talk myself down. I can talk myself down. I am down.

I did not buy this dress.

I know exactly what's going to happen, which is we're going to be really good friends and have a great time and nothing more and nothing less and then he will leave. Why am I so useless in waiting!?!?!?!?!

Talk myself down. Talk myself down. I am down.

I find an above writeup very disturbing. Which is that, I could, say, go to a doctor, cry my eyes out for a couple hours, and then be diagnosed with clinical depression. Then I'd be handed a magic prescription and that will make it all better.

Is this really what seeing a doctor should be all about? Call me an idealist, but I don't think that helping someone who is truly troubled should boil down to prescribing an anti-depressant that works for a million other people. There is no good depression. It's not sexy. It's not fun. It's not the new rock and roll. But however, this culture of depressed people across the world seems to have made real problems into a simple diagnosis: clinical depression; take some pills.

In other news, today I'm wearing the Everything Drugs shirt I got in the mail the other day. It's a little scary; I intentionally don't know anyone from real life on here, and wearing the bright red shirt makes me stick out. It's like Fight Club; you don't talk about it unless you're there.

Finished the last of my midterms yesterday, but now have to bust ass onto data structures.

BLAH

Dear Miss Noder

You don't know me, although I've pointed out a spelling mistake before in a node of yours. I've wondered how you think, when I read your nodes after the appear in New Nodes.

Today I was shocked and delighted to see your photo on amihotornot.com. (Yes I will admit I'm addicted to compensating for my low self esteem by looking at others.)

But voting was difficult. I couldn't just see you as a body (lets face it, that is what the web site is for). I saw you as a person first. You threw me.

Then, after about 30 seconds, my innate shallowness took over, my brain disengaged, and you got a 10, because I love that hair colour, and you showed your belly button.

Yours faithfully,

Yet another stalking noder

There's two things I haven't done in four years. Smoke and cry. I did both today. And both felt good. I've been awake for the last two days straight. I don't know why I just can't sleep. I'm sad. I don't know why. I think I'm depressed. It's been five years since I contemplated suicide. Everyone hates me, everyone's against me. I don't feel like writing anything coherent I just don't care. I used to find comfort in the words of others, some kind of meaning, hope, I dunno. I thought I was in control. I don't care anymore. Nobody cares. I need to run away from here. I need to forget all the memories. Nobody can help me anymore. I'm on my own. My parents care for me as much as any other faceless person in the crowd. I hate my life. I can't stop saying sorry to myself so I can apologize to the people I hurt. I am useless. I wish I could just fade away...

Farewell e2...

(for a preface to this node, see November 16, 2000)

I absolutely loved the recruiting part, loved talking about how much I like working here. It's not all fun and games but I enjoy the hard work and the respect I have even though I am essentially unskilled. I got to talk to my peers, students my age looking for employment and had the whole hall of mirrors effect from being on the other side of the interview table. For those keeping score, though I don't have the final decision, I think we picked up two new employees (thus bringing the total employees to fifteen) and possibly a third.

For those who care, I also had three separate flirting actions, only one of which I will discuss here. My boss and I had lunch with two other companies' representatives, all women. My boss has a tendency to incite arguments wherever he goes, and this was no exception. One of the representatives jokingly offered me a job, after my boss praised my abilities (which I don't perceive as great as he seems to). After lunch all three groups wished the others luck as we returned to the Job Fair area. Right before we split paths from the other group, one of the representatives said "Oh, and good luck to you too." and winked. Now, I try not to read people's actions too closely, but honestly, a fourty(ish) year old woman winking at a young college boy is a bit odd to me. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned (joke implied).

Something snapped in me today. Falling apart, I didn't care. I was hurting. I am hurting. And I don't know why. I just needed to lash out at something, and now it's broken, and I don't have any glue? I stopped finding comfort in such things, and now I only wish for it back, because I'm in the dark. Hurting people because it makes my hurt less, being mean because it feels better than sadness. I see myself falling backwards, but I only laugh a little and watch. Pretending it will be okay when I go out tonight to get drunk.

It's been coming for a while. Thinking it's all okay and it's only been hiding deep inside me, and now it's out, and I haven't changed at all.
01:40 GMT

I asked her. She sounded positive about going out with me. I was so exicited. I told her it was on a day that she worked, she seemed concerned but still sounded willing if she could sort out the details. Then I told her the christmas party was on a yacht that was going to sail out in open waters. Her eyes grew wider and then she had to decline. She gets *very* seasick.

This didn't end entirely on a low point though; she suggested that we get together sometime for a movie or something. So that made me feel a lot better. I gave her a piece of paper with my website and email address so that she could contact me. I figure that she must have some interest or she would not have waited until I mentioned the yatch to decline, and also probably would not have been the person to bring up an alternate plan.

That makes me feel good. At least it seems like she has some interest in me. So this was the first time I asked a girl out on a date, and it didn't go over all that bad. I am somewhat in limbo on how I feel. I feel good that she didn't turn me down right away, but I feel bad that she couldn't (maybe wouldn't) go.

I also feel bad because I feel like I might have put her in an awkward situation. How can she deal with me now that I've shown real interest in her? I have paid her money to see her beautiful naked body as she danced before me, so how can I turn what we have experienced together into at least a normal friendship? Is this just too weird for it to be possible to be friends? I didn't detect in any way that she felt awkward, but I wrote her a letter just to make sure:

After I left, I thought about what I had said to you, and I really feel like I might have made you feel awkward, and I wanted to apologize if you did feel that way. I'm sorry. You are the first beautiful girl that has ever looked me straight into the eyes and show me any form of kindness and affection, so it might not be suprising that I am a little interested in knowing more about you, but I seriously don't want to make you feel awkward in any way. I feel like my self-confidence has increased a bit, but I still lack the experience to fully consider the feelings and perspective of others. You are a big part of my gained self-confidence and new ambition for life. You are one of the reasons why I want to improve myself.

I think about you often, and I had been thinking about how to ask you for over a week. You should have seen the anxiety that I was having the day before. I am glad that you were not shocked when I asked you, and I am glad that you still seem interested in doing something together, but I really feel bad for putting you on the spot, and I hope that you have no bad feelings. I really look forward to hearing from you and/or seeing you again.

She really is very kind and totally unlike anyone else I have ever met. I really wish I knew a way to make a transition to a normal friendship without making her feel awkward.

Anyway, the rest of my day was somewhat uninteresting. I went to the gym this morning for orientation, but mostly got a sales pitch for paying a personal trainer and nutritionist to guide me down the path of health. I accepted a fairly humble plan and will need to return tomorrow afternoon to get started. Tonight I need to go and do some more walking, and it's getting late so I think I'll go do that now, and then come back and write up anything else I can remember.

Today will certianly be a memorable milestone in my life. I hope these daylogs stay here, or I can find a way to archive them in case anything happens to e2. This really is a great way for me to look back at my life and see what happened to me and when it happened.


03:03 GMT

I'm back from the gym. I burned 265 ccalories walking a half hour at about 3.5mph at various inclines. I really like how it itemizes those numbers so exactly. They most certianly have to be wrong... Exercise can't possibly be this easy.

First thing I did when I got back was check my email again. Now that I've given Kawana my email address, I'm sure I'll be checking it much more frequently. I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do with my day tomorrow. I have a whole day to use to enjoy life. What can I do? I've been wanting to get some posters framed, maybe I'll take them to the frame shop in the mall and get that done. That's not that interesting though. I need to find out what other people who are my age do in this area. I'm literally right next door to a decent-sized college (FAU is right behind my apartment complex), so there must be something interesting going on around here. I'm going to go search around the net.


05:30 GMT

Sleep now.

Woke up and went to school where I totally bombed a test. Went and sat with a friend, Kathy, and talked for a while. Another friend, Cindy, came and they wanted me to skip my class, and being the pawn that I am I decided to. But first I had to ask a friend, Rey, if he was going to take me to the Creed concert later that night. He was sitting with another friend of mine, X, clearpebbles (whom redboot, Rey, has written a node about). He gave me a vague answer and I just left.

My friends and I decided to go and eat at the school cafeteria because I was hungry. I told them I was paying and they gave a weird look but did order food. The total came out to $6.66. I made up a whole story on how if that happened it meant that one of us is the devil or is a devil and the cashier man just laughed. We sat down and talked some more about many things like a birthday party that I was invited to. We left and I went back to the class that I skipped to learn it had already ended. I went and sat down in front of my next class and talked to some people who were also waiting.

Class was actually fun today because my english friend Matt and I talked throughout most of it. After class I went home to where I got online and resumed my download of the ISO of Redhat v6.2. My 56K modem with a connection of about 2.6K to my ISP is terrible and the download is 640.76MB, so the download is going to take a LONG time.

I instant message Rey when he comes back online and he decides to "allow" me to go with him. He said that he'll come around 4-5 to pick me up because he and X were going to do something before. So I wait until 5 and they come and left me out of something that they both know I know about.

On the drive to the Creed concert I played with a stuffed Gizmo and Cow and had them hump Rey's arm as he was driving. We got there and waited in line in the cold to get in. The line starts to move and I had to be frisked by cops, I couldn't decide which line to go into and two cops were telling me to get into their line but I could only choose one, so I did. I was frisked and Rey and I waited on X to get frisked by the girl cop. We ran somewhat to get a good spot.

Concert started and I lost Rey and X in the crowd and was alone for the rest of the show where there were groppers touching me and people pushing in to me. There was pot smoke and cigarette smoke in my face. Finger 11 played first and finished, then Days Of The New came on and played a cover of Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall II" which I sang to. Then Creed came on and people started pushing more and more. I was in the front about two feet away from the lead singer the whole time. After a while I got tired of looking at him so I just stared at the guitarist for a while. Concert ended and I had to find my ride.

I looked around for a long time and thought that I wasn't going to find them. I walked to the parking lot where I had no idea where to even start looking for Rey's car. I decided to walk back to the concert grounds and on my way there I found them. We then looked for the car and X found it first. We waited in the car for the traffic to die down, since there were about 15,000 people at the concert. Rey decided to turn on the radio instead of turning on the car and we had to find a person that would jump us because his car would not start. So some people helped and we took off to a store where the car turned off. Rey and I went to the back to push it and had to wait 2 minutes for the light to turn green again. People gave us weird looks, the light turned green and we pushed while X steered the car into the store. We bought some drinks and were cold waiting outside as Rey called to people to see if they could help. Rey could not find anyone so we asked a guy there who gave us a jump and we started leaving.

Upon getting out of the store onto the street his car turns off again! So we push it back and X gets ahold of her mom who is going to come. We go back into the store and I bought some Lucas. X wanted some so I decided to squeeze the top off and in doing so the Lucas sprayed out onto the floor, the table, and Rey's eyes! He washed it off in the bathroom and X's mother came. I got a ride from them and got into my house, which ended up being about 1:15 in the morning.

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