I think we are here to learn about one another..

Here on earth that is.. And also.. you learn more about yourself when you interact with others.. well I feel that way..

My love life is the only "real" problem in my life, that I have some control over.. mortality.. fear.. etc.. Love is also kinda happy.

I have this one guy.. he has been (so far).. my one, great romance.. we love one another.. have for over 5 years.. but love just isn't enough to make a relationship last. He still talks marriage.. He pops up in my life time to time.. It's weird.. that weird feeling of infatuation I get when a guy looks at me, that usually goes away after a few months, sometimes only weeks.. is still there 5 years later with him.. he has found my maximum on the passion meter.. whether i'm mad, or happy.. when it comes to him there are never feelings of apathy.. he feels the same about me.. it's lamely unrequited love.. it's always been.. between me being 16 when we first dated, and him 24, a marriage inbetween, scandal, work complications, our own neuroses.. but we cling to each other.. we've used each other as a fantasy in some ways.. to keep hope.. ALMOST tangible.. but not close enough to hold on to.. whatever happens.. we can have the dream that one day.. we will wind up together and everything will fall into place.. in the back of my head i know it isn't true.. but in the back of my heart.. i wish with all my might.. I will get over it.. I have mostly.. I think part of it is that I fear if I lose my love for him, I will loose the ability to feel those extreme emotions.. and the more you can feel.. the more alive you are.. Although I also know one day I will meet someone who will knock him out of the ballpark.. or at least my heart.

I've only only been in love with one person. Now, I have loved a lot of people.. and I have had a few longterm, commited relationships.. there were a few times I thought I was in love, but I really wasn't..

I see myself searching for something. I'm not sure what, or why. I think part of me is always infatuated with someone because I love the rush.. I don't want to say I only do it for the chase, because that isn't true.. But I love the way I feel, and act when I think I may have found my dream guy. Now of course I'm not foolish, and I don't meet, and date everyone thinking I might marry them.. but I don't date anyone I couldn't see myself marrying .. like.. what I know now is cool.. and if I meet a guy who is .. say a current heroin junkie.. I wouldn't date him.. because I know i couldn't live with that..

It's so silly.. I know what I am looking for in a guy.. But I just haven't found it.. my friend told me I am too picky.. but I don't believe anyone should settle for someone.. and I don't think anyone wants to be settled for. He also told me I pick guys who are too smart, and who are a bit neurotic.. I don't think im too smart, but I need them to be a tad neurotic to somebody (lyrics)understand me.

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