This was my first (and, until recently, only) infatuation. It went horribly wrong, and I hope I never have another like it. The main reason for this was, on refelction, probably down to the fact that the object of my desire:
Thank you. You have taken all my stupid emails with a good grace and lightness of heart they did not deserve.
The message that follows is the result of 6 month conversation with myself, the conclusion of which was: "You didn't, and you regretted it. If you don't, you'll regret it. What the hell, just send the blasted thing and be done with it! Think less, act more. When all's said and done, what's the worst she can do?"
I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about. Try not to freak out; this was not easy for me to do.
And so begins a chocolate-fuelled flood of verbalised emotion...
No matter how I broach this subject it will sound juvenile and perhaps trivial. I consider it to be neither, but you are free to form your own opinions. I accept that email is not the best medium for doing this, but no suitable alternatives have presented themselves:
I suspect that by now you are probably wondering why some guy who spoke hardly a word to you the whole time you were here (well, compared to some...) is suddenly, and with little explanation, emailing you on an almost daily basis. The answer may be summarised thus: I think that if I hadn't known you were returning to America after two terms in York, I would have asked you out, or at least for your phone number. As it was, you were, and I didn't.
This, I hope you'll agree, is not a big deal. It happens every day, as the Tom Jones song attests (okay, probably not the best analogy, but it carries the point). But I never was one to do myself any favours. As usual, I made a mess of it. Forgive me...
I told myself that this was just a crush, and that once you went home these feelings would fade. I was mistaken (but only on the second count, I think). I find myself increasingly preoccupied. I'm not doing this on purpose; I can't help it. But as complaints go it is not unpleasant... -:o) So I'm now in... what? I suppose "infatuation" is the best word to use, but without the overtones of obsessive behaviour and all-pervasive glee.
I think you are fascinating. And I'd like to know you better. You are delightful, intelligent, refined, eloquent, witty and understanding (otherwise I would not have sent this!). You are charming (you always have something nice to say about people), talented, athletic, noble and elegant, with a grace and poise that eludes me. You are awesome (you inspire awe) and you are fun to be around. You are prudent, courteous, kind and beautiful beyond description. I have tremendous respect for you.
It is nice to talk to you, albeit in text form. I suppose that at least over email I don't have to wait for Anthony to finish forcing himself upon one or other of us (but on reflection, that was worth it, if only for the look on your face! -;oþ ) or come up with some lame-ass pretext to start a conversation (except for the mind-reading-in-seminars one; that actually happened!).
Please understand; this is not a declaration of undying love. Just statement of fact. Life is not like "The Wonder Years". But, I hope you will at the very least take this as a compliment; it's always nice to know that someone finds you attractive, or that you are the object of someone's affection.
In composing this, I tried to think of things from your point of view. I am, I'm sure, just one of many people you email on a casual basis; fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I am well aware that we hardly know one another, and that I have woefully little to recommend me. Who am I to presume so much? How stupid do I feel?
Oh dear. That didn't come across very well, did it? The line between melodrama, and sincerity with overtones of romance, seems to have become increasingly blurred for me. I should write dialogue for "Dawson's Creek". -:o(
So, how to proceed? Well, if I don't hear from you, you'll not hear from me. Hopefully it won't come to that though, and we can at least remain friends. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
On a slightly more light-hearted (as opposed to heavy-hearted) note, it would have been foolish of me to say all this had I not anticipated your response to my unexpected outburst. Here's what I narrowed it down to:
- "Eww! That's creepy! Can you say 'Court Injunction'? I have 911 on one-touch dialling..."
- "That's sweet, but I think of you more as a... person I met."
- "I'm flattered, but you're a bit of a jerk. Leave me alone."
- "My boyfriend is a hitman for the CIA. You have three days to live."
Please don't dismiss this out of hand.
I do not propose to publish her reply here, but suffice it to say that it let me down ever-so gently, and is still one of the nicest emails I have ever received.