Today, one of life's great mysteries was answered for me. What possible entertainment value does that stupid snake game on the Nokia phones have? Now I know, you could use it to pass the time, but frankly, I don't think the game is that entertaining, I think people look stupid when they are madly pushing keys on their phone for ages, and surely you can find better things to do than play a mono-coloured blocky game?!?

I used to think this until I was stuck in a 4 hour meeting at work today that dragged on and on and on. The drone of the presenter became like the hum from air-conditioning vents in your office - not quiet enough not to be painful, but noisy enough to be distracting. It was hot and stuffy inside the cramped office space that was rather optimistically called Meeting Room #1. At that point, it occurred to me how to break the boredom - a game of Snakes suddenly sounded quite appealing.

And therein lay the answer to my question: Snakes is a great game when you are well and truly bored. Pray that you don't end up in those situations too often, but when you do, that trusty moving rectangular snake will be your salvation!

Everything Day Logs
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Time: Thu, 9 Nov 2000 00:21:08 GMT
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JeffMagnus node count: 4038 (0 new since November 8, 2000)
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JeffMagnus node of the day: Windows Error Lookup Guide

i removed this

Well I went in today to have the x-rays and the blood work done for what the doctor thinks could be Thorasic outlet syndrome. It’s also the first time that I’ve worn those hospital gowns that you see on TV. It’s a little spooky though you know? I mean just the thought of having to have surgery, and on BOTH arms no less. It sucks!! The blood tests are supposed to check my metabolism and make sure that it's in check. He (the doctor) said that it could be an imbalance in my calcium or something that could cause the tingling. Who knows? We’ll see tomorrow when I go in to see the doctor and get the results.

The worst part about all this is the fact that the one person that I’d like to talk to about it with, my oh so very wonderful girlfriend, I can't. It’s not that I don’t want to tell her, because I very much do. She’s actually the one who made me promise to go in and see the doc in the first place. But I don’t want to tell her because I don’t want to worry her. She has enough to worry about as it is. Her family actually has not had the best of luck in this area. They’ve had three of her close relatives have go into the hospital for a few pretty serious reasons. I just don’t want to worry her anymore than she needs to. I figure that when talk to her (actually in a few hours), I'll try to skirt the issue if she asks first, until I know whether or not I’m going to need to have surgery. I really hope not, I’ve never had surgery, not even on my wisdom teeth yet, and honestly I’m a little spooked about it all. Not that I’m really worried about it, but still any kind of surgery is ground for a little anxiety. Especially when it's general anesthetic, and not local.

I actually haven’t told my mom yet. I don’t really want to, mostly for the same reason as not telling Becky, my girlfriend. I have however told my father, he's pretty calm and level headed about these things.

But on a lighter note I went climbing for the first time in a few months. And now my hands have that wonderful burning sensation from having the skin ripped off from the rock. It’s a nice feeling, and no I’m not a masochist.

Time to go study for the TWO tests that I have tomorrow, ewwwww!!!

So, now it's going into the 9th. I sit here and type, la la la. Today has been weird. They closed the pool hall early, it was weird, all the "regulars" at the pool hall were seen wandering around looking kinda lost. I got a mold for pouring ceramic spheres, I have this idea for a project.... hope it works eh?

I have this song stuck in my head... it's by shaggy called it wasn't me
Honey came in and she caught me red handed, freakin' with the girl next door. Picture this we were both buck naked bangin' on the bathroom floor. How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there she never took her eyes off me.

Sad huh? Anyways.... it's getting late and I belive it's time for bed. Have to figure out how to weasle out of a test in a psych class. Joy!
-Doug

11:57

More problems when waking up?

Well, yes.

Well, I woke up at around 9, the clothed myself in boring clothing, booted computer (looks like turning it off makes me sleep a bit better, but not much), booted 31337 k0ff33 m8kr,... and fell asleep. =(

And it's raining and stuff. I don't think I will be leaving the immediate area today...

12:45

Interesting... I just found an old printout. It's SCART node - my father needed some information on how to connect some writes. Server time: 09:41 Fri Jul 21 2000. And DMan was online...

18:36

I now have Metal Gear Solid for PC. That rocks. It really rocks. I've always wanted a decent version of the The Good Ole Sneaking Game®.

Died about 6 times before I got inside that first building (playing at Normal skill). =)

I've only played the Color Gameboy version of the game - and as you may guess, the game itself is completely different. However, the training missions are exactly the same... as is the starting music, which just simply rocks, too. Too bad it doesn't have that military-machobullshit-drum solo that's played in start of the first GB ver mission... =)

20:02

Looks like I wasn't the only one in the digital media group that had problems with Profiler learning environment. One guy said he'll write a "short but crushing review". Well, I did the same thing... =)

23:58

OK, I'd now really need that ****ng hug.

Really.

00:36

There's no way out no way in
To the hallowed halls
The inner ring
You're just a face
In the crowd
You got no place when you're down and out...

- Mike Oldfield: Make Make


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Metal Gear Solid
Updated:

Hmmm.... I haven't written a daylog in such a long time, I don't know where possibly to begin. So I'll go anti-chronologically.

Last night I had a show that I'd been waiting for for a long time. I performed at a club called "Satchmo". The gig had been set up about 3 months before. The thing about this place is this: a year and a half ago (around April 1999), a pub opened in Florentine, a district in south Tel Aviv. It used to be a pub under another name, closed for a while, and then reopened under a new ownership and name. I knew a keyboard player who sucked shit, but had a cool appartment, also in Florentine. So we used to jam there on Friday afternoons. He saw that this place opened, and offered to perform. And so he, a drummer and myself began practicing for the gig on Saturday. (This is getting to be quite the story. Not much of a daylog, I guess, but hey, what the heck? This is background info.) Anyway, on Friday, before the gig, the drummer didn't show up for practice. He overslept. So I told him not to come; we would find another drummer. (I was totally pissed off.) So we frantically looked for one, and found him, through a friend. We practiced, and performed the next day. Every Saturday night, from then on, we performed there. Then we started performing on Friday afternoons at some other place too, and then the keyboardist flipped. He's totally messed up, and I'm still not sure why, but he got up, in the middle of a gig, and left. We had to finish off alone. He wouldn't play with us from then on. So, realising that he's a loony, the Satchmo guys stuck with us (the drummer and me), and we performed there every week for about half a year. Each week we'd find a keyboardist and a horn player (often they'd change from week to week.)

Then one day, the Satchmo guys wanted a funk performance too. So from Friday to Tuesday, we found a guitar player and put on a show. We performed there twice a week for a month or so, and then the funk stopped (it was too expensive), and we stopped performing there altogether, as they started bringing in other bands. That in itself would be fine, but one day the didn't call us to tell us we wouldn't be playing, which really annoyed me, as we had been very fair to them for more than half a year, and didn't take up any gig offers for Saturday nights. Anyway, the gigs ended. Now these gigs used to be a regular place for my many of my friends to hang out and talk. And the bartender there became a good friend of ours.

About half a year ago, we heard that the management had changed. And so I talked witrh the new owner, and we performed there yesterday, which was a big reunion thingy for all my friends. The Satchmo is now quite the jazz pub, all because of us, but who remembers now? The new owner didn't even know I existed until I talked to him.

The show was really good, methinks. I had a good time, anyway.

About the rest of what's happened to me: I went back to University last Monday. I have two courses with projects in Java, so I'm crash-learning Java by myself. On Tuesday I wrote a chat program for my flatmate and myself, mostly so that I won't have to go all the way over to his room to leave him phone messages. (We are connected by LAN.)


I think I'll update this as the day continues. I have so much still to do.

I am having a string of early mornings where some unfortunate set of circumstances or another forces me out of the sack pre-dawn. Today it was an incredibly loud TV from next door. I figure this is just karma. While I was living in San Francisco my roommates and I had a falling out with the occupants of several apartments in our building. As part of the process of gentrification our building (which I'd lived in for six years) began to fill up with uptight yuppies who were intolerant of noise (as in walking across your apartment later than midnight) to say the least. My house decided to go from being "those pesky meddling kids" to full scale war with our new neighbors.

Here's where the karma comes from: One of the nightly rituals at my house was watching the local news and adding our own would-be witty commentary. After a conflict between those talking to the television and those listening to the television we discovered that the volume control topped out at 64. This seemed like a totally arbitrary number to us so we embarked on an experiment to see just how much TV we could take at volume level 64. We watched entire movies and episodes of Melrose Place with the volume all the way up. It became the standard response to anything particularly annoying or stupid on TV to immediately crank the volume up all the way. "Turning it up to 64" became the household philosophy. Our neighbors were not pleased. Oh, I should probably mention that this particular television set was probably the loudest that I have ever heard. I'm only guessing though since before discovering the mythical 64 I hadn't ever bothered to test the furthest reaches of TV volume. I am pretty sure that the TV on the other side of the wall from me this morning went up to at least 79. So, I started the day early with a strange mixture of nostalgia and homicidal anger.

I had a weird dream last night about being tortured to death by marines who were being commanded by the assistant manager of my old workplace. The only thing that is odd about this is that the assistant manager in question is this old metal dude who sang for some glam metal band before beginning his career as a corporate type. He has a Krokus patch on the back of his denim jacket. Whew. I was going to make that into a dream log entry but having to potentially analyze is too frightening right now.

The only exciting thing about school today is that it will be my first Political Science class since the non-election. I'm pretty interested in what the discussion will be like. The political affiliations of folks in that class are pretty diverse so I'm curious what the Bush supporters will say. The cool part is that the class starts right around the time that they're projecting the results of the recount.

08:50 PST

I had to get up an hour early to be at work at 7:00. Today was staff meeting day, and I had to cover the phones. It sucks to get up at 4:30 instead of 5:30. The traffic was light though, which was nice. I'm attempting to wake up by sucking down a big cup of tea, and it isn't helping. I've had a couple of customers get pissy with me because I've had to ask them to repeat their names and such.

The one bright spot so far this morning was that I got to talk to one of the hospital techs on the phone briefly. I've never met him, but we kind of flirted a little bit in some emails a week or two ago. I love my boyfriend and won't cheat on him, but I can't help but enjoy flirting sometimes. I don't want to make excuses or whine, but I know that part of the reason why I did flirt is because I feel neglected lately. I know things will be changing in about a month since that's when the school term ends, and Alex will have more time for me, but I still can't help flirting back when someone flirts with me.

I'm finding myself increasingly pissed off lately. I'm not sure why, I just feel pissed off. I hope this feeling passes.

So... anyway.. the day is just beginning. Let's see what develops today. Hopefully, the phone will be quiet.

14:31 PST

Just got back from lunch. I hate it when I get stuck behind people in line at places like McDonalds who make special orders. Someone ordered a cheeseburger without the bun, so the guy behind the counter had to make a special trip to the back room to explain it to the person making the burger, causing a longer wait for everyone else.

JUST PICK THE DAMNED BURGER OFF THE BUN!

In good news, I might be able to go home early. Since I came in early, I might be able to leave early if we are slow this afternoon. Yay.

I have nothing of interest to say. What a pathetic day.

Today’s Horoscope on my Calendar (Aries) - Jump-start your physic engine and turn on the charm. Your persuasive talents grow with the Moon in Aries. Time to be like iron horses of the past and keep on chugging despite obstacles. Expect some romantic turbulence.

12:37 PM - Warren Christopher acts as Al Gore's observer of the Florida recount, which will determine the next President of the United States of America. George W. Bush sends James Baker to observe. These two men, Christopher and Baker, who happen to be friends, could end up fighting each other in a struggle for the presidency. Many accusations fly in Florida, from punch holes being on the wrong sides of ballots, people being refused new ballots, to violence being threatened in the streets. Petitioners in Palm Beach County are demanding a revote.

Currently, at 12:44 PM:
--=FLORIDA AP RECOUNT=--
WITH 45/67 COUNTIES REPORTING 
BUSH LEADS BY 795
------------------------


1:05pm
An emergency hearing to a Federal Court will be heard at 2:30 pm! This hearing is brought by a Palm Beach County voter who claims his right to vote was infringed upon by an "inherent unfairness" of the Palm Beach County ballot.

1:11pm
George W. Bush is still declaring victory and is accused of incredible arrogance by Al Gore as Bush begins accouncing and leaking names for his cabinet.

1:19pm
Jesse Jackson is speaking in West Palm Beach, and declaring 'Before there can be a recount, there must be a first count', essentially demanding a revote.

Currently, at 1:24 PM:
--=FLORIDA AP RECOUNT=--
WITH 46/67 COUNTIES REPORTING
BUSH LEADS BY 793
COUNTIES NOT REPORTING YET:
ALACHUA, BAY, CALHOUN, CHARLOTTE,
CITRUS, CLAY, DeSOTO, DIXIE, GULF,
HARDEE, HOLMES, LEVY, MANATEE,
MARTIN, ORANGE, PASCO, PINELLAS,
POLK, SARASOTA, SEMINOLE, WASHINGTON.
------------------------


1:31
Gore Campaign Chairman William Daley and William Christopher are announcing that they are likely to make a court challenge should Gore lose in florida, due to the Palm Beach County ballot mix-ups, saying 'The presidency should not be won on a technicality.'

Currently, at 2:35 PM:
--=FLORDIA AP RECOUNT=--
WITH 53/67 COUNTIES REPORTING
BUSH LEADS BY 787
COUNTIES NOT REPORTING YET:
ALACHUA, BAY, CHARLOTTE, CITRUS, DeSOTO,
GULF, HARDEE, HOLMES, MANATEE, MARTIN,
ORANGE, PASCO, PINELLAS, POLK, SARASOTA,
SEMINOLE
------------------------


2:59pm
The federal lawsuit was withdrawn as soon as the judge entered the court room. It appears this was done to instead file the lawsuit in state court.

Currently, at 4:04 PM:
--=FLORDIA AP RECOUNT=--
WITH 58/67 COUNTIES REPORTING
BUSH LEADS BY 403
COUNTIES NOT REPORTING YET:
ALACHUA, BAY, DeSOTO, HARDEE,
HOLMES, MANATEE, ORANGE, POLK,
SEMINOLE
------------------------
BUSH'S LEAD SUDDENLY CUT BY NEARLY HALF.

Currently, at 4:24 PM:
--=FLORDIA AP RECOUNT=--
WITH 62/67 COUNTIES REPORTING
BUSH LEADS BY 341
COUNTIES NOT REPORTING YET:
BAY, HARDEE, MANATEE, POLK, SEMINOLE
------------------------


BUSH'S LEAD SUDDENLY CUT BY NEARLY HALF.

Currently, at 9:39 PM:
--=FLORDIA AP RECOUNT=--
WITH 65/67 COUNTIES REPORTING
BUSH LEADS BY 225
COUNTIES NOT REPORTING YET:
MANATEE, SEMINOLE
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
ALTHOUGH PALM BEACH COUNTY HAS
ALREADY ALLOCATED IT'S VOTES IN
RECOUNT, THEY WILL BE RECOUNTED
BY HAND ON SATURDAY
------------------------


Looks like this election will be decided by the courts, not the Plebians or Rag-Tag people, the common no-nothing-Joe on the street corner. Your vote counted, but it didn't, sorry folks, the framers really tried with this one. Really, they did...

Down to the wire... 9:41 PM:
--=FLORDIA AP RECOUNT=--
WITH 66/67 COUNTIES REPORTING
BUSH LEADS BY 229
SEMINOLE COUNTY HAS NOT YET REPORTED!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
ALTHOUGH PALM BEACH COUNTY HAS
ALREADY ALLOCATED IT'S VOTES IN
RECOUNT, THEY WILL BE RECOUNTED
BY HAND ON SATURDAY
------------------------


--=FLORIDA FINAL PRE-ABSENTEE COUNT=--
     WITH ALL  COUNTIES REPORTING
          BUSH LEADS  BY 327     
--------------------------------------


Election Events continue on November 10, 2000, sigh. I thought this would be over pretty quickly on November 7th. =p

This morning as I was walking down Lexington Avenue I saw the strangest ad on top of a taxi. It said, in white lettering against a solid black background:

Fight
Censorship
Until
Knackered

No other text of any kind, or identification of who place the ad.

I am still pondering the meaning of this. Even odder is that "knackered" is British English slang (It means "exhausted" or "pooped"); your average American-on-the-street is not going to have any idea what it means.

Then again, I am still trying to sort out the deeper meaning of the ad, even knowing the meaning of the word. Why would someone place such an ad (using that word) in New York? What the hell does it mean?

Knackered? Until I'm knackered?

As I start the afternoon, I sit at my desk resolved to fight the good fight. I think.

Enough already.

The more you try to hold me, the faster I will slip away.
Don't ask me where I was and reject my excuse.
DO YOU WANT THE BLUDDY TRUTH?
I didn't think so.

I'm sorry, but only sorry that there's no way we can make these two worlds coincide.
I do not apologize for the way I spend my time. I do not like to make up these stories. Don't expect the truth, you won't get it. I will lie until you can face it and accept me in spite of what it is.
It's my life. Go 'way and leave me be.

"You would be welcomed in my dreams"

Chris drives me to school in his pimpmobile (Grand Marquis), the thing is fucking huge, got to Marple Newtown High School and read E2 for a bit, then went to class.

Twoards the end of english Feng has this picture, its of her and Jack at the 8th grade dance from back when. She wouldn't let me see it, for good reason I suppose. The whole thing reminded me so of the unthing between us last year, when she told me of how she liked him then. All the feelings, love, hate, frustration, coming back, hitting me in the head like a mallet. I wasn't good looking enough, too bad, I don't give a fuck now, like who you like, be shallow for all I care, I'll just let it all happen.

Slept through music lit like usual, History I forgot some paper that we had to do, oh well. Lunch was the usual, Chemistry we talked about George W. Bush instead of learning. I cut study hall, got on the computer, talked to some more people in the library. I found out that my marking period average in Algebra 2 is an 80, considering that I never try, its not too terrible. Talked to this girl in class, she dances, has for 13 years and I never would have known, whoop-de-doo. Sociology we learned about social class and prestige, talked more about the presidential election.

Chris drove me home, he had to get his friend who had permanant shotgun which was too bad. Got home right after my brother and didn't have to deal with the kids smoking shitty weed in the back of the bus, which was a Good Thing.


Night: Installed Debian on Xanthus, my DEC laptop. The laptop had no drives so I had to use FIPS to make space for the base install partition, then install LILO, reformat the FAT partition and put /usr on it. If LILO hadn't worked, I woulda been SOL as the laptop has no drives and can't boot from anything else, I was in the mood for taking unnecessary risks today. I'm still installing the packages it pulled down off the net, I hope to get X working tonight if I'm lucky.
Vanilla Ice is gonna be in my town this weekend.

Why should I go?
a.) There is nothing else to do in my town.
b.) Now that he does not rap, he's gotten better.
c.) It's one hell of a blast from the past.

What the hell, how often do you get to see a washed-up has been preform? (pretty often in this town)

Well day two and still no idea where this election is going. I love politics so I can stand to wait a few more day. All the debates, Rush Limbaugh, and countless pissed off morons who obvioulsy don't think before punching a ballot. This is great stuff. Whoever wins, you have to admit, this has been one hell of an election.

I think I'm coming down with the flu. I have a fever. I have absolutely no energy. My entire body aches. So, instead of the monkey on crack that I usually am, today I have been slow, unresponsive, and crabby. (Even though I still can't sit still.)The lack of energy is driving me crazy. This didn't hit me until this morning. Anyway, this isn't what I wanted to node about.

So, Leah and I were sitting in Leah's room when our friend Dylan, who lives on the other side of the building, came over with Shannon, this girl he's been seeing. Shannon is one of the funniest, sweetest people we know. She's *absolutely* adorable. So, we're chatting, and Dylan looks at Shannon and says, Well, should I ask her. Shannon shyly nodds. So, Dylan says Leah, can Shannon have a tampon? Leah says of course and goes to get one. She returns from the bathroom and says, All we have is super, sorry Shannon. We're out of everything else. Shannon looks at the tampon and says, It's okay. That's perfect, because I'm bleedin' like a motherfucker. And goes to take care of the problem.

After that, Dylan and Shannon hung out for awhile, but eventually disappeared. Leah and I had an Ani DiFranco dance party with her roommate. blah. I hate being sick.
Two days after the election, and we still have no clue who the next president of the United States will be. According to CNN, Bush (shrub) is leading, but by a mere 340 votes, with 4 counties left to report. Somehow I suspect that whichever candidate wins will still claim a "mandate from the people", no matter how narrow the margin is.

After going weeks without using my daily allotment of C!s, I expended both of mine today within 5 minutes. *Sigh* I need more writeups, so I can have a few more cool points to hand out.

If anyone cares, I think I finally solved that damnable problem with my voodoo3 card drawing random lines to the screen. It seems to be heat-related, so I left the side panel off the Highwind's case, and it's behiving much better now. Not the most elagent solution, but cheaper than another case fan.
~00:30 GMT

I was up until 5:00am this morning filling out my profile for an online dating service. I don't know why. I guess I'm really starting to feel like I need some companionship, and that my social anxiety is decreasing (I wonder if it's these homeopathic vitamins I've been taking?). Staying up late really didn't work well with the fact that I had to wake up at 9:00am to get to work at 10:00, so we could all go to a small computer business expo down in Fort Lauderdale.

While visiting the online dating service site, I considered if I should hold off and keep trying to see if Kawana would be interested in me at all. I guess I figured that I should go ahead and put myself up there anyway to see what would happen. I spent quite a while with my digital camera trying to get a picture of myself which I was happy with to post up there. Then I filled out all of the personal details, which took me probably 2-3 hours. I knew it was getting late, but I finished it anyways.

I was exhausted at work today. Fortunately we went to the convention so the walking around gave me a chance to wake up. My co-workers and I gathered up all the free goodies we could, and then headed back to work. We didn't stay there as long as I probably would have liked though.

As soon as we got back to work, JS, TC, and I split from our boss and went to Boston Market for lunch. This would be my second time there. I had the meatloaf again. It's great :) Their food gives me some gas though, I tell ya.

I got back to work and solved the problems I was having the previous day in about 20 minutes. I then did some more work on another project in another 30 minutes and then didn't really do much for the rest of the day. I was tired, but not as tired as I thought I would be with only 4 hours of sleep. I frequently popped over to cnn.com to watch the chaos continue with the election, and see Al Gore narrow the margin in the recount to under 400 votes for Florida. This is awesome to watch. I am going to enjoy seeing how all of this gets resolved, especially with the oddities with the Palm Beach County ballots.

I talked with some co-workers for a while. Somehow we got onto the subject of my interest in Kawana, and they asked me if I had asked her out on a date. Instinctively, I blurted out "Not yet." They definitely picked up on the "yet" and found out how I feel about her. They encouraged me to ask her to be my date for the company Christmas party. I found out today that the Christmas party was going to be quite extravagant. It's going to take place on a huge multi-story yacht which will go out to sea. I've never been on a boat out to sea, I wonder if I will get seasick.

My friends said they would chip in for a limo ride, and that I would be inviting her along just as a date to enjoy the festivities. I wonder if she would go. I can not even describe how good it makes me feel to even imagine myself with her as my date. I'm getting warm, tingly feelings now just thinking of her.

On my way home from work, I was playing scenarios through my mind on how I might help build her trust and if she would even be interested me in a personal perspective. I think back to her blind date she had last weekend which she said turned out really bad. Maybe I have a chance. Maybe not. Maybe she will go with me just to enjoy the party; maybe she'll go because she is interested in me. Of course I would prefer the latter, but the former would still make me so happy just to be with her, even if my feelings were to be unrequited. Even her temporary platonic companionship would be enough for me to consider that date to potentially be the best day of my life so far.

I'm so pathetic. I know. But this is how I really feel. It doesn't feel as odd to me now to write this "public diary". I've considered whether I should write about my personal feelings of my co-workers, but they may come across this site and discover my userid, so I will probably refrain from saying much.

I'll say a little bit though, which I think is mostly harmless. My best (nearly my only) friends are my two fellow co-workers who are also part of our research and development department. The three of us are the main force in our company's technological development. One is a guy we'll call "John", and the other is a cute girl we'll call "Tammy". They are both very intelligent and they both have the true classical hacker instinct.

John is *very* intelligent. He has had some college, but apparently only has something like a 2 year degree. He can read books like a chain smoker goes through cigarette packs. I wish I had his endurance to read. He loves math, and he picks up computer languages nearly as often as I pick up fast food for lunch. I know that he could easily compete with 4 or 6-year college graduates in computer science.

Tammy is such a cute, energetic, high-spirited gal, so it's not suprising that she seems to have hundreds of friends. This is her first job out of college, however she has had quite a bit of experience from jobs she did while in college. I wish I had her energy and her social skills. She sits across from me and always brightens up my day. I considered asking her out once, but I think our extreme differences in social skills would make for an awkward relationship, and if she isn't interested I would hate to make her feel awkward afterwards. She is probably the first female friend I have had since I graduated from high school, and I didn't have very many there. Just dealing with her day to day, I think she has helped me alot with getting the courage to talk to beautiful ladies.

Over the past year, both John and Tammy have helped me alot with my social skills. They have helped me break out of my shell, encouraged my self-esteem (they always kid with me calling me wonderful and stuff), introduced me to try new foods and places, and even cured me of any lingering homophobia that I had :) I have never had such good friends before in my life who are so willing to help me improve myself. I would be heartbroken to see either of them leave if they found a better job in this fast-paced IT job market.

Well, I've spent about an hour writing this. I've probably gone on too long. I wonder if I will ever cut down on my wordyness. Probably not. I type fairly quickly and I think introspectively alot (I'm an INTP), so I'll probably always have a lot to say here. Sometimes I think that I hope that nobody I know sees this, but it probably wouldn't be so bad if someone I knew found out my real personal thoughts. These thoughts are honest and I am almost always honest with people, though I may not say what's on my mind. So if someone I knew read this, they could see what's on my mind without me feeling awkard saying it, and without them feeling awkward that I know they know what I know. (If you do know me personally, I hope nothing I have said offends you, if it does I deeply apologize and I hope I can ratonalize myself).

Going to go for a few. Will be going to sleep early tonight I hope, so if you don't hear from me again below, see you tomorrow!


I was just talking in the chatterbox for a bit and thinking... Somehow it makes me feel really good to write what's really on my mind, and I think it's helping me become more social.

So much in my life has shifted just enough that I feel a bit disoriented. Although much of these shifts didn't happen today, I'm writing about them today anyway just to get them out. For the first time in over 10 years I have my OWN room again. I can't possibly explain what a relief it is to be sleeping alone again. Although my ehem husband (sigh) still keeps his things in here and comes in uninvited at random times throughout the day and evening. It is my own room and I do sleep alone thankfully, also I have my computer in here so I find that more often then not I'm here in my own little sanctuary of sorts. My husband is a bit confused I guess on what being separated and yet living in the same house means to our relationship. So to say that my anxiety levels are being stretched thin is a bit of an understatement. He's has become increasingly possesive and nosey even though he swore he was going to leave me alone. I of course knew he was lying through his teeth as usual, but it still annoys me to no end that he can't do for once something he's said he was going to do. Dammit despite all efforts to change I'm still an optimist. (Sigh)

Yesterday I finally got my cast off my leg. I was finally getting around really well with it on, but now I'm back to using crutches full time again. The bones are solid enough they no longer bend but are not completely knit yet. So that means "one false step and they will break again" or so said the Dr. and I believe him. So now I can't put weight on my leg again for an indefinite amount of time. I'm delighted to be able to bathe without a bag over my leg once again though. To be able to get dressed in real clothing, pants more specifically again. I do have a few thousand in grown hairs to deal with though. Ugghh what an ugly mess. My leg is a bit crooked now too. To top it all off it's swollen still quite a bit and hurts like well I'll just say a whole lot more then I'd care to be dealing with right now.

Then there's the other situation... I'd rather not go into any real details on that other then to say that I'm so frustrated right now. There's about a millions things I want, no need to say, questions I want to ask and have answered. It's so confusing to be so terribly sad and happy at the same time. I'm learning so much about myself. For so long I've hidden inside I'd almost forgotten that there is a me separate of my family. That I too have wants, desires and needs that can't all be hidden away. Hell I've even found a few ambitions that I want to fulfill. For now I take solace in knowing that there are some people out there that do believe in me and my dreams. That I am capable of so much more then I ever dreamt even if all I can see of that capability is just a glimmer of dream just out of reach I know it won't be forever. It just feels like it most of the time.

Today a song from my childhood grasped my imagination once again. As Crazy On You played on my car radio once again I felt the song race through my soul and knew I had to node it. I want to let loose, just let all this anxiety, pressure, feelings rush out of me. Just go crazy for awhile. Once again though I find that today is not the day for such things so I keep it on the inside.

Last night we went to a college karaoke bar. The highlight of the night was a girl who looked just like Miss Piggy. Spitting image, I swear. My sister looked at me, looked at her, and said "Miss Piggy". She was not unattractive, but she had a snub nose, blonde hair, and was wearing pink. She was healthy - by which I mean not anorexic like many of the other girls in the bar. She was laughing and smiling, and looked like a little pink pig.

I thought she was cute, and it was apparent that I was not the only one. The karaoke guy had her up there singing a couple times. I thought it was cool to see people having a good time, whooping and hollering, drunk, singing along to country songs and what are apparently karaoke standards: Delilah, that lame Margaritaville song, Louie Louie, and on and on... It was your standard fun night out. Nothing special. Oink Oink.

A record of 20 teeth in 15 minutes! My nurse Lisa said her "best" was 18 teeth in 20 minutes with the last dentist she worked for.

Yup, I did a full clearance for Mr D. at the local Day Surgery. I extracted all, but 2 teeth for him. He teeth were in such a bad condition you could smell him walking into the room. We call this "perio breath", the particular smell that patients with severe periodontal disease emanate. It's due to the gross lack of oral hygiene and is the characteristic the smell of the bacteria P. gingivalis. Pity he "let them go" like that.

Mr. D was expectedly nervous about having all of his teeth extracted. We had actually planned to do this earlier, but it was postponed due to ill-health: cardiovascular and gastric problems. His cardiologist obviously has not read that periodontal disease is an acknowledged risk factor for heart disease.

The anaesthetist hooked Mr. D to an ECG monitor before we started. Nasotrachael intubation to allowed me to work unhindered in the oral cavity. Teeth were already loose, so they cam out quite easily. The apices of 3 roots broke and were left in situ - they were small and uninfected. They might eventually make their way to the surface of the gums, but it wasn't worth the trauma to retrieve them. Just have to remember to tell the patient this.

The new complete upper denture and a lower denture were placed in his mouth before he woke up. Definitely a better look! Mr. D was wheeled to the Recovery Room.

Rx Panadeine forte and erythromycin. Warm salt water rinse for the day. Soft food diet for the next few days.

Post Op review is on tomorrow.

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