In less than 48 hours I will be somewhere over the Atlantic ocean. I'm so excited, I've never been to Europe before and I've been looking forward to this trip for over a year now. Our transatlantic flight is #50, which is a good thing because I don't see that as a number that you'd see on a newscast, "American Airlines Flight 50 blew up in midair, killing all aboard in a massive fireball." See, it just doesn't have that ring to it. :)

I'm also very happy because the hardest part of my preperation for the trip is over. We had our last marathon rehersal session today, tomorrow we rehearse for three hours in the morning and then have an evening concert. Playing an average of 6 hours a day for three days has been really rough on me since I haven't actually played the clarinet in preperation for a performance for two years. I've discovered all kinds of things that can hurt. Did you know that you can strain the tendons in your fingers like you would any other muscle? Never happened to me before! I had a callous on my lower lip earlier today. My lips have really toughened up, but after our second day of rehersals I was rubbing Oragel on them every 15 minutes. Despite the pain, I'm kind of finding myself enjoying this. Who knew?

Time to start packing!

*smiles blissfully, a big, stupid grin on her face*

I am so happy. I have someone whom I love deeply and will eventually marry, and who loves me equally in return. I just got the sweetest love letter I have ever received, and if I don't share it with someone, I'm never going to concentrate on my final projects for college.

My Love,

I don't know how I can express how much I love you in words. I love you with all of my heart, mind, and soul, and will love you for the rest of my life and more. I can't wait until we get married. It will be the start of our happy life together.

Your big Kitty

Gods, I love him.

Becky and I met when she was just too young for me. She was the younger sister of a friend. Becky was tall, thin, and extremely pretty. She looked a lot older than she really was. You could just look at her and tell she was somebody special. She was just that kind of girl.

The electricity between us was strong and obvious. She felt it, I felt it, and everyone could see it. We would spend hours talking whenever chance would throw us together.

I never did anything to act on our mutual attraction (because of the age difference). Becky on the other hand tried to seduce me every time we were alone together. But I never let her. I almost gave in once when we ended up alone together in my car.

After that we talked and decided to wait until she was 18 until we saw each other again. So Becky went out of my life.

I thought about her sometimes over the next few years. The taboo of her younger age vanished in my head because I realized that she would be "acceptable" by society by the next time I saw her. I wasn't sure if I would ever actually see her again. But I wanted to. I really wanted to.

Today at about 3 O'clock in the afternoon my phone rang. It was Becky. She had turned 18 yesterday. (She had apparently kept track of me over the last few years through her sister's friends). She wanted to see me. My heart raced. We made plans to meet at Applebee's at 7:00.

When I got off the phone I was more excited than I had ever been in my life. I spent the next 3 hours getting ready for the biggest date of my life. I got a haircut, washed my car, and bought condoms.

I nearly bit my roommates head off when it was time for me to leave, (his car had mine blocked in). I calmed down on the drive to Applebee's.

Becky was waiting for me when I got there. She was even prettier at 18 than she had been at 15. We got a table, ordered, and talked. But the magic just wasn't there anymore. Sometime in her growing up and my growing older it had disappeared. We both clumsily tried to flirt with each other to no effect. Finally Becky said what we were both thinking, "Its just not there like it used to be". I agreed with her. I wanted it to be there but it just wasn't. We talked a little longer, hugged and left.

The drive home was hard at first. But I was happy by the time I got home. At least I got to find out. I have so many unanswered questions in my past. So many "what ifs". I got to close the book on Becky without any doubts as to what might have happened. I have but one regret when I think of Becky.

I wish that back when the magic between us was strong that we would have kissed at least once. That kiss is (without a doubt), the best kiss I never had.

We did eventually end up kissing at midnight on New Year's Eve, many years after I wrote this node. It was nice, but we both went back to our normal lives the next day.
I haven't written any journal entries in 5 weeks or so. What's happened? I visited Washington, DC. I learned my mother has been offically diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had a short relationship. I learned my father will be retiring this fall.

I had a good time at DC. I was old enough to appreciate everything we saw (The Smithsonian museums, the White house, the Washington Monument, the National Archives, the Jefferson Memorial, the FDR Memorial, the Holocaust Museum, the Vietnam and Korean War Memorials, and the Lincoln Memorial). I got along with the group (8 students, including me). One of the students that went on the trip, C, was my first crush (7th grade). I didn't ask her if she remembered me, because that'd just be dorky. We got along well and it turns out we'll be taking a class together next semester. And yes, I still think she's cute. She is very intelligent and has a sincere appreciation for learning, and life. I asked her what she was majoring in, and she told me a laundry list of things she was interested in and that she wish she could study them all. That appreciation is something that you don't see in many people. One of her interests is (preforming) music, which is where we found common ground...

The most important thing I learned from the DC trip happened AFTER the trip. After spending a week in another part in the country, when I walked in my room I saw it through different eyes and I had a realization: Wow, it doesn't always have to be like this. These circumstances and surroundings are not permanent. I was able to pay attention to every detail of my apartment. Usually, most features I took for granted and did not think about, as they became a part of the "background." Living in the same place for 6 years will do that to you, I guess.

I really wish that I could live on campus, but my financial situation is tricky. I live in a one-bedroom apartment with my mother, my father lives in another state. My mother doesn't work.. My father sends her enough money to support the both of us. It has been like this for years. And I don't like it. Josh's mom, who knows my mother, will always ask the usual questions when we see each other (usually once or twice a year.) "How's your mom doing?" "Is she working?" I hate answering that last question, but I can never bring myself to lie.

I brought up the idea of me living on campus. My dad started telling me all the reasons I wouldn't want to live on campus (roomates, etc). My mom stood up for me, but I realized what was happening. The real issue was the finances. My dad just did not want to bring it up, so he just tried to convince me I didn't want to live on campus, anyway. My family has a problem with communication. I've noticed that this has rubbed off on me, a bit, especially in my personal (romantic) relationships. I tend to leave most things unsaid..

Things are changing now. My dad has said that he is no longer able to find suitable poker games to play at (which makes up about half of his income). He also said that he is going to be retiring this fall. This means that my mother, who has not had a job in years, will have to support me and herself.

I'm not sure what she's going through. We are not close at all. I withdrawed myself from her in high school and I have maintained that state ever since. Why? Well, part of it was being a teenager and not liking your parents anymore. Another part of it was not being able to provide the emotional support that she needed. I didn't (and don't) think that its fair for me as a student to be burdened with placing an inordinate amount of emotional support to my mother. I'm the child. She's the parent. Not the other way around. That was my excuse in high school. Now, I'm not sure if I am justified. But I just think she is a bad influence on me.. she sleeps and watches TV all day. She is not active in anything or interested in anything. I think she has rubbed off on me, a bit too much, though....

Over a year ago, I wrote that "I can't wait to leave home." I was excited about the prospect of going to college but I did not concern myself with the logistics. I looks like I will be living at home my first semester in my second year. I am fairly convinced that personal development would be much easier if I did not have to live at home. How, though. I would have to be financially independent or take out a student loan. Well, I'm going to find out soon if a company in Dallas will hire me for computer work. I'm sure I'll be paid well. If I don't get that job, I don't see much opportunity in employment.. All my other contacts have dried up - left to my own devices I would not be able to get a job that pays enough for me to support myself financially and have time to take 18 hours of classes.

I had a short (one weekend) 'relationship' with D. A physical thing. Friday we went back to her apartment to fetch some CDs and we ended up making out. Saturday, we just talked on the phone. Sunday we went to see some preformances at the Spring Arts festival. I remember singing Belle and Sebastian songs loudly as we walked from her apartment to the theatre. I loved that. That was an awesome moment. People were giving us weird looks but we didn't care. She also introduced me to the book "The Little Prince". I love that book.

Later that night things went a bit further. It was clear she was interested in sex - but I wasn't. I'm a virgin, and I want to reserve sex for someone that I know that cares about me deeply and me her. We talked about it.. and I actually felt a bit freaked at the notion of a physical relationship. "Maybe we shouldn't kiss anymore," she said. I was crying. I didn't know why. And I don't know why. I remember telling her that maybe I should just lighten up and live in the moment (like she does.) She told me, "No, your first time SHOULD be special.. no.. every time should be special..."

A week later she told me she kissed V and asked if it bothered me if she told me those kinds of things. I said no, but I was lying. It did bother me. Another week later and those two were 'in love'. Her.. a first year college student, and him.. a senior, about to graduate. Knowing her, I had my doubts.. I also remember accidentally an email she was sending on her screen, in which she said that they had had sex. I felt bad about reading it, it really was none of my business. I felt hurt, for some reason. But I would have known that it was happening anyway. I knew D, and I doubted in they are in love, but I know they're in lust. Anyway, I try to keep a sense a humor about the whole thing. It's nothing worth whining about, it's almost a farce.

I've been without good friends for a long while. (A good friend is someone that you can talk to about major issues that are bothering you and who feels the same way about talking to you.) My last good friend was K, who is also my ex, we broke up on Feb. 27 and haven't spoken since. I fear that my social skills are going to hell and that I am becoming a hermit. I hardly talk to friends or aquaintances anymore. I don't know why. I think I have a sort of social anxiety. I feel that I am a messed up person and that I don't need to have friends until I can fix myself, because I'd just bring them down. Of course, when I hang out with the friends I have, they don't know this. I am happy, or I act happy. All they know is that they are seeing less and less of me and hearing less and less of me.

I live in worlds I have created in my mind, in a sort. I often times forget that others lack the context to understand what I am relating. I remember communicating an idea what I believed to be quite clearly.. and someone said, "What are you talking about?" Even online, I don't make friends and I don't talk to people. I think I am stuck in a rut. I believe that I need to fix myself before I can become socially active and I need to get out of my house before I can fix myself. Now that I look at my reasoning I feel that it may be flawed but I cannot change it right now.

I have been thinking about calling K. It's been about 3 months since we've talked. I even wrote Garrison Keillor and asked him what I should do. This is what he wrote me.

Of course you should call her and try to make amends. Start with the apology and then tell her what you've been up to lately and ask her about her life, and it'll soon be clear to both of you whether there's a friendship there to be rebuilt or if the waves washed it entirely away.

I still haven't called her. When I wrote him, I was feeling like nothing was wrong, that I felt great and that I was enjoying life. I don't feel like that anymore so I don't want to call her. Of course, I've also heard that she's seeing C (a friend of mine who I've known since elementary school), and that makes me a bit more reluctant to call, for some reason. I remember calling her late at night, her asking if something was wrong, and me breaking down into tears. Her listening to my nonsensical ramblings. I was worried about things that only made sense to me. All of my ramblings were rooted in things that she didn't know about. Issues that I've mentioned in this entry and previous ones.

That's what my friends tell me. That I am irritated too easily and I worry about to many things. I remember K telling me that I analyze everything. That I break everything down into subpoints and so on. That I'm going to have a heart attack before I'm 20. That I should be like her and not think. I thanked her for listening to me and she told me that's what friends are for.

That's what I miss. But I can't bring myself to call her, for some reason. I don't know. Maybe she thinks I hate her. I definitely don't. I'm just scared. When I call her, I'm going to be scared because I don't know how she will treat me. Of course I know that she would be nice to me. But I am still afriad that she would compeltely blow me off. I don't want to go into a conversation, scared, afraid and seeking her approval. It'd be pathetic, plus it would just creep her out. This is why I need to fix myself before I try to make friends..

I have been goofing around on the Web for many years. I have a total of 5 domains that I play with. My first domain has been hosted by the same company since 1998 (note: this daylog is not meant to generate traffic for my personal sites, so I won't insult you by posting the URLs here). On January 21st, they decided to change my billing to yearly, paid in advance. Unfortunately, they forgot to tell me this fact. They were more than happy to pull my regular monthly fee up until May 1st, when I discovered my site was down hard. I called up tech support, they couldn't figure out why my account was locked out (it showed I was current with my payments), so they re-enabled it. The next Monday, it was down hard again. I called them up, and was told that the billing had changed retroactively. I could only talk to one person, they literally refused to transfer me to a manager ("We're sorry, you may only speak to *person* about your website"). While I particularly liked the tech support and the perks for hosting there, I decided that it was time to find another home for this particular website.

I decided to switch over to another host that was already hosting one of my smaller websites. They also had good tech support, but their perks were different. I'd also have to live with 200megs less space. I contracted with them and submitted the host change to Network Solutions to change my DNS server and tech contact to the new host.

Imagine my surprise when I typed in my domain name, only to see my old host still hosting my website. When they received the change notice from Network Solutions, they decided to reactivate my website (again, without informing me). They also refuse to talk to me at all now, so all I can infer is that they're trying to gouge me for some more cash.

The host I am talking about is Again, excellent techs but a very poor billing department, which includes people who flatly refuse to let you speak to anybody else, especially management. I sent them eight customers who are still using their host services.

So, I'm in the midst of transferring a huge website to a new host, reconfiguring CGI scripts, reconfiguring permissions and generally being annoyed at a company that forgot customer service is what keeps your customers coming back.

The top news headlines from online newspapers around the world for Monday, June 4, 2001. Know another online paper we should be using? Let me know.


  • Clashes erupt in grief-stricken Nepal
    Unrest breaks out in Kathmandu within hours of the crowning of King Gyanendra after the unexplained killing of most of the royal family.
  • Oil hits four-month high
    The price of a barrel of oil is at a four-month high as Iraq stops exports in protest against British and US "smart" sanctions.
  • Mid-East truce under pressure
    A small bomb reportedly explodes at a Jewish settlement in the West Bank, putting further pressure on a shaky Israeli-Palestinian ceasefire.
  • Archer's secretary gives evidence
    A key witness in Lord Archer's perjury trial, his former secretary, starts giving evidence at the Old Bailey.

International Hearld Tribune (

  • Bizarre Massacre at Palace Stuns Nepal
    The bizarre massacre of most of Nepal's royal family has been followed by the bizarre ascension to the throne of Crown Prince Dipendra, a love-struck young man who, by most accounts, murdered his parents and six other relatives during a family meal.
  • Israelis Skeptical of Arafat's Truce
    Even as a jittery cease-fire took hold Sunday in the Middle East, Israelis and Palestinians dismissed each other's readiness for a genuine break in hostilities and readied themselves for further fighting.
  • Europeans Help Turn Up Heat on Cartels
    Taking the lead from the United States, governments in Europe and Asia also are beginning to take price-fixing more seriously.
  • Blair's Artful Dodge Keeps the Euro Out of British Campaign
    However unappetizing abandoning the pound for the European Union's common currency may be to a majority of the British, the Labour Party and Prime Minister Tony Blair have maneuvered so artfully - or so cravenly, according to some - in promising a referendum when the time is right that the euro has been sidestepped as an issue of real debate during the three weeks of campaigning.
  • On U.S. Playing Fields, Parents Escalate the Violence
    There is an epidemic of parental rage sweeping through American youth sports. Coaches are being threatened, referees assaulted and kids hurt more than ever by the parents of some of the estimated 30 million young players in organized sports.

New York Times (

  • Rumsfeld is Sharply Limiting Military Contacts with China
    Prompting concern among the United States military, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld has sharply cut off the Pentagon's contacts with the Chinese military.
  • Peruvian Son of the Poor Is Elected Over Ex-President
    After a campaign that left Peruvians deeply disillusioned, Alejandro Toledo won the presidency over onetime president Alan García.
  • Arafat Instructs His Forces to Bar Attacks on Israel
    Yasir Arafat followed up his appeal for a cease-fire by ordering Palestinian security chiefs to prevent all attacks on Israeli targets from Palestinian-ruled territory.

Panapress (African) (

  • Madikizela-Mandela recovering in clinic
    Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, the controversial ex-wife of Nelson Mandela, was in a stable condition Monday after being admitted to a Johannesburg clinic at the weekend.
  • Benin's Afrik'Uny performs in Libreville, Gabon
    Benin's music group Afrik'Uny is in Libreville, Gabon taking part in the festival of cultures that rolled off at the weekend, sources close to the band said.
  • Racing Casablanca drops to second division in Morocco
    Racing Casablanca (RAC) were at the weekend relegated to the second division following a 1-1 draw with Hassania Agadir on the penultimate day of the Moroccan premier league championship.
  • South African opposition leader on week-long UK tour
    Tony Leon, the leader of South Africa's official opposition Democratic Alliance is off to the United Kingdom for a weeklong visit.

China Daily (

  • Riots rocking Nepal after Gyanendra crowned king
    Rioting broke out in Nepal's capital on Monday just hours after a new king was crowned following the massacre of almost the entire royal family.
  • White House, Congress battle over China's trade status
    The United States is on the verge of yet another high-stakes standoff involving China. But this time, the Bush administration and China are on the same side. At issue now is not the fate of a downed aircraft, but more than US$100 billion a year in commerce.
  • Chen Shui-bian's trip overshadowed by home plight
    Taiwan leader Chen Shui-bian's recent diplomatic advances have been overshadowed by persistent domestic woes --- especially on the economic front --- which have eroded people's faith in him, observers say.
  • AOL to set up US$200 million joint venture in China
    America Online Inc will unveil a US$200 million joint venture in China with top Chinese computer maker Legend Holdings next week, the Asian Wall Street Journal reported Monday.

The Moscow Times (

  • Vodka Plants Forced To Close
    Alcohol producers warned of looming protests after a new law aimed at cracking down on bootleg liquor.
  • Private Capital Flows To Double, Says IIF
    New reports forecast that Russia is in line for about $2 billion in private capital flow this year.

Okay, so today seems like a very dark day.

My relationship with the girl whom I truly love is deciding whether or not to stay with me after a big fight we had. Things aren't going well in my mind after the panic/deep dark button was pushed. I had never thought of these things so vividly before. I had always kept them in my mind but had never ask why it existed. Or I knew that it existed but didn't really explore the matters. Now it's affecting my love life and one of my reasons to live.

The next goes hand in hand. Our company is announcing layoffs today and I somehow can't seem to bear the impending news. I also however may feel glad if I'm a part of this because if per chance I am let-go, I can be with my gf, but jobless. There wouldn't be anything tying me down to any place. The job would not be a big anchor.

But should I even let these things be an anchor?

That's what I ask myself in this self-indulgent mentality. Only I know of the weird things that affect me and create who I am. I am a victim of my own thoughts and emotions. But even this is not right.

I must be responsible for myself. I must be responsible for my own actions and behave in a socially acceptable "adult" manner. For the past several hours, I haven't been doing that. I'm 28 and still, I am a Temporary man.

I try not to let "it" rule me. But ever so often, I give in, "it" comes alive like a sleeping giant awakening in grumpiness. It must stop. I must stop because it is still me. I have the power to stop it. But can I do it myself? I'm asking that now.

Update 1:
What a dark day indeed. I am not layed-off but my colleague has been. I hate this. How the hell am I suppose to operate like this? How the hell are we suppose to keep everything intact? There's too much instability right now. This world's aura is not enlightening.

I hate today.

Most of you reading will probably wonder why I am writing these odd things. Well, I ask you not to question it and also not to vote on this writeup. I need no judgement. I want no judgement. Just let it be in its most neutral state, please.

Am I an XP Whore?

I mean, I still have 60 or so w-us to level 4, but my XP level got there a few days ago. Maybe it's all those french comic artists I write about that get C!ed... Not that you should downvote me, cause I kinda like whoring for E2.

I just got home from visiting Frederiksborg Castle. Well, I go to school close to it, but my cousin who lives in America was visiting with his girlfriend, so we went and looked at that. I like it. On the way back there was this kid telling about how he had no taste in music, and he wanted the radio show to help him get it. So they play one goddamn hour of poop music at him till he falls off his chair and surrenders to the brainwash. Now he likes Limp Bizkit, the poor sod. Couldn't they play some clever music instead?

maybe his problem was that he actually did have a taste in music, and that was the reason he didn't like pop. *sigh*.

I won a car this morning.

How did it happen? Only took a minute or two. I was at the West Ottawa High School after-graduation party (Jungle) being held at the Dow Center downtown. We arrived there around nine o’clock at night after driving around aimlessly in eight buses holding 300+ kids. The location was supposed to be a secret, but as soon as we got on the highway heading south, everyone knew it would be at the Dow. It’s the same location where our seventh grade lock in took place, which was a fact unremembered or unknown by most everyone, including the committee who booked the place for us.

My former band director, one Mr. Christopher, was the Master of Ceremony for the night. He was wearing a carnival hat atop his little head, running around frantically handing out air fresheners and Frisbees. Perhaps his small size allows for unlimited energy.

My friends and I checked our bags in one of the racquetball rooms with the shrunken door, and then headed over to the Lets Make a Deal gameshow going on. I have been an avid Monty Hall fan since I saw the show for the first time, although later I would abandon him for my beloved Bob Barker. The gameshow was too fast-paced for me and my broken foot, so I went out into the maze of corridors to try my hand at gambling. Every student was allowed 40 chips to start with, and the one to have the most by the end of the night would win $100 cash. Knowing my luck runs high, I placed the maximum bet on 12 while playing Razzle Dazzle and won 100 chips in one try. I did this several times until the volunteer parent running the game told me to try black jack because she was out of chips. My luck was not so good at black jack, but I still won more than lost. Tried Dirty Queen, but tired of the slow turnover. I ended the night with well over three hundred chips. Sure of my victory, I handed them in to be counted.

I met up with Bobby after turning the stuff in, and we wandered about for a while looking for short lines. The palm reader was booked, the caricature drawer was backed up for an hour, so we were left with the cash machine. The allowed us ten seconds or so to grab as much money as we could as it was blown in whirlwinds around us, and I somehow managed to get six dollars and a pizza coupon. Not bad!

Darci and I waited in line for almost forty minutes to have our pictures taken and superimposed onto the picture of out choice. I picked a lovely painting of Louis XIV to have my face stuck on. It looked a little freaky, but it’s a nice souvenir. Darci had her face put on the Mona Lisa, and it looked so real that everyone was amazed. Her darker complexion and hair matched perfectly.

Jessica and I tried this virtual reality video game. I didn’t do so well, but Jessica got bonus time after bonus time and played for five minutes at least. Amazing. Jess and I then went to the obstacle course, where I took off my walking cast thing and hopped through it on one foot. To even out my chances, Jess also used only her left foot. Thankfully the course was one giant inflatable maze, so we were not hurt at all. There was a wall to climb at the end, and I was forced to use my elbows and knees to make it over without breaking another metatarsal.

Meagan, Jess, Kyle, Darci and I played Frisbee in an emptier section of the gym for a half hour or so. Our student senate treasurer took three yellowjackets and then ran around in circles as we threw the Frisbee back and forth. It was interesting, I suppose. By this time we were all extremely tired and fighting to stay awake. The two o’clock stupids had set in, and we giggled at nothing while trying not to fall asleep so the Frisbee would not hit us between the eyes.

The hypnotist performance was next. The man was wearing a tux and a vest with extremely shiny gold buttons. About ten people ended up being hypnotized completely, including the unforgettable Scott. He looked as if he had died, slouching in his chair oblivious to the audience. The hypnotist told Scott that whenever he touched his bowtie, Scott would feel as if someone had lit a blowtorch under his bottom. As soon as he touched it, Scott yelled and slid around the floor on his butt, saying it hurt as if he had diarrhea. This caused hysterical laughter. The hypnotist then told everyone their right foot would be stuck to the floor, and then asked them to go back out into the audience. No one could move. Laura looked like she was going to cry because no matter how hard she tried, her foot was stuck.

After the hypnotist, the prize drawing took place. I won a beach towel and some sunscreen. I then laid down to take a nap on Meagan’s shin, but was soon awaken when I heard the drawing for the car was taking place. I stared groggily at Mr. C as he rummaged around in the bowl full of names. He pulled one out, and then said he would announce the winner of the car after all the other prizes were won. Refrigerators, microwaves, computers, stereos, VCRs and TVs were being handed out left and right, but I did not win any of it. I laid back down, slightly dismayed, until I head my name called. I had won the car! I was too sleepy to really react much, but it was a good feeling nonetheless.

I am the new owner of a 1996 Geo Metro, with a retail value of $6900. I plan on selling it so my Saturn does not get jealous. But first I need to get some more sleep.

"The world has turned, and left me here. Just where I was before you appeared."-Weezer

Ran into some old acquaintances and friends this weekend. I did go to that party. Everyone did, actually, I just didn't stick around longer than eight minutes. Satyr headed out the door as soon as they told him it was a Dry Party, his beer tucked under his arm. He even stood up one of our co-workers that he was thinking about dating. Oh well, I got chastised for not hanging out, but I felt the need. Grrmly headed for the door and I decided I definently was not scared to walk the city streets with him by my side. Tim came along, and we made plans to head down to North Carolina this summer for Heather's wedding. So, she's marrying Ian. He's not dumb as a bag of rocks, he's very devoted to her and the baby. If that makes him dumb, then Hooray! for the idiots is what I say! Some supposedly intelligent people could learn a trick er two from morons.

On a brighter angle, we went to see the dogs and suck down some party favors.
"What are you getting into tonight, Ms. Kir?"
"C'mon in, then."

Tim and I had to use a crowbar and mayonaise to get Grrm back out of the house. We ran into Mike, Jake, Paul and Katiya......and I felt like I had skipped back a year and a half. Grrm was more than a bit nervous.....apparently he and Kat had cheated on Mike......Hey, I love the boy because of how Kash felt about him....but everyone deserves a turn-around. It's karma. You do someone over, you get done over somewhere down the line. So Michael and Michael eyed each other for a bit, then we got invited over to their place to watch dawn from the roof.

We walked all of the dogs and everything started kicking in.

"You look like you feel good."
"You want to come home with me tonight?"
"Trick question, right?"
Hey, gotta have my fun sometime. I put it off for how long? Ha. No more.

Went to his place for a while........then met up with everyone. Yes, I was exceedingly quiet. I reserve the right to not talk if I don't feel like it. Why try to fill up a beautiful silence if there's nothing left to say?
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah. I'm calm right now. Enjoy it while it's here. It doesn't happen often. Shhhhhh, you'll scare it."

I crawled into bed at about 10 am. Sated, relaxed, reassured, temper flaring just a bit, because it's gotten to the point where even Mike is keeping an eye out for me. Thanks for the info, but I'd rather never know again. No, really. It doesn't matter anymore.

Satyr came in to check on me, to make sure I was still breathing. I was. And his beautiful brother came over to have his cards read. He wasn't going to come over, but I talked him into it. Hheheheheheheehehee. The kid needs to let off some steam! But I was so out of it, I went back to bed a few hours after I woke up. A nice family evening. Just Satyr, the cats, and me.......and some strange Dundalkians that dropped by. Oh well, so much for the silence.


I have to yell at myself once in a while to remind myself that I'm here. I managed to screw up again. I don't know how I do it, but it seems as though I'm getting the hang of it, or I have a bit of a knack. I woke this morning at 11:40am to the voices of my flatmates debating whether or not I had class this morning. Realizing what time it was, I screamed. Then one says, "I guess she did."

My life is viewed from a lens, a telescope, a periscope -- no, a microscope -- facing backward. I'm always looking back and observing that indeed, I've done something idiotic again. Today, for example. I was supposed to be in class at 9:00am to prepare a group project, this computer 3d model of a Roman Villa which we have been working on, and are doing a presentation for next week. To be on campus at 9 would mean to wake at 7:30. Why the hell did I go to sleep at 5:30am, 2 hours before I was supposed to get up?

Everything. E2. One week before finals start. The week that is supposed to be for studying, reading, finishing my papers that I have not yet started. Anything but wasting time.

And just when I thought I had gotten over my MUDding
addiction (since the MUD has been
down for a few weeks).

So I'm being dramatic.
So my life isn't that important.
So two-thousand years from now nobody will have noticed.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little upset at myself.
I wish I had normal hours like normal people.
People who go to sleep before the sun comes up.
People who wake up when they're supposed to.

Damn. Maybe tomorrow.

CUE MUSIC: "Gomi Day" by Shonen Knife

Last night I was finally able to replace the scary gross old couch that had been sitting on our porch for the past 3 years. This has been a personal goal for the past 8 months, ever since I had a coughing fit while sitting on the couch, conversing with a friend who gesticulated wildly, beating clouds of decomposing cushion foam into the air. Anyway, yesterday evening my girlfriend came over and used a Jedi mind trick,

HER: ”You are coming to my place tonight.”
ME: ”I am going to your place tonight.”
We get into her car and not two blocks from my place I spy a large black vinyl couch set out with the garbage cans. If I had realized it was bulk trash day I would have been trawling all afternoon for a new couch.
ME: ”Hey, lookit that couch! We need a new couch for the porch.”
HER: ”Oh? I didn’t see it. But you need a new couch for the porch. That thing is gross and I refuse to sit on it.”
We circle the block and I get out at the house to round up a posse to claim the couch. Two of the housemates accompany me to reconnoiter, we all sit down and appraise the couch: it is nicer and more comfortable than our present couch. My girlfriend walks up and takes a seat on what will soon be our couch,
HER: “You may bear my palanquin back to the palace.”
SOMEONE: “Your Jedi mind trick won’t work on me.”
She gets up and helps us portage the couch back to the porch. Aaron, one of the housemates, insists on disposing our old couch “the proper way”: leaving it in the very place we found the new couch. After a little groaning, that old couch is disposed of properly.

Legal Note: in many urban areas, it is considered an eyesore to have a couch on the porch of a house. This offence is punishable by a citation, fine, and loss of couch.

I failed my road test today

This morning, I got in the car, and met my instructor. She had a palmpilot with printer. I got in, and adjusted my mirrors, seat belt, and started the engine. I looked in my side view and rear view mirrors, and pulled away from the curb. Bang! -5 points for not looking over my shoulder to check the blind spot.

I drive to the first corner, need to make a left. I put my blinker on, and wait for the cars to pass, and I edge forward. Suddenly, a girl friend of mine is in the intersection too. I need to make a left around her, but she's waving at me, perhaps unaware I'm in the middle of my freakin' road test and starts waving me on.

Now, there's a huge point deduction if you go theough with it, because waving people on is not allowed. I'm even afraid to acknowledge her. She's making me sweat, because the longer I wait, the more chance I lose a point. I start to go left, and my instructor slams on the brakes. Hard. Then exclaims "Jesus!" screaming into my virgin ears. Apparently I didn't completely check both ways to her satisfaction. -10 points.

So I go left, thinking how screwed I am, and I don't know how much you lose before you fail. So now I'm moving up to a traffic light. It just turned Yellow Light. So, I low as much as i can, even though it's yellow, and stop. Something is wrong I think. She's looking up, just as it turns red light. Now, I have my left blinker on, and in the opposite direction I have a guy with his left blinker on. The light goes green, he's not moving, waiting for me. I wait a fraction of a second, it feels like forever, then I make a left. Why do people keep on waving me on, on my road test? Dang. Anyway, I'm supposed to wait for them to go first, and another -10. I gotta go back to the parking lot in failure. I didn't even get to parallel park.

I get out of the car, a mixture of anger, upset, and strangely smiling. As I start walking off, the girl shows back up. She says hi. I point and growl "you" at her. Smiling, I go over and hug her, and say I failed my test. She's wondering why the heck I am hugging her, then I say she's not supposed to wave at me. I'm furious at her, but I'm not going to yell, and I don't want to accuse her in front of all her friends. I still am not going to say anything about it, although I complained loudly when she left.

Plus, I have to retake it July 17. I called the New York State DMV. Luckily, I don't turn 17 before then, so I won't be missing out on a full driver's license yet. At least she didn't tear up my blue card, my worst fear.

The Campfire of Many Colors

A few years ago something happened to me that changed me. I was asked to help out with the logistics of organizing dinner, camping space, public appearances, and other needs for a bus load of teenagers who were touring the United States. These teens came from many different countries, and they all had what would be called a handicap by most of us. The purpose of this tour was to share and learn about how these handicaps are dealt with in different societies and locations.

Most things went wrong with our plans. The bus was extremely late, the food didn't work as planned, the kids were tired and cranky, and things just didn't seem to go right. The bus, expected at 5:00, didn't pull into town until 9:00 or so. The dinner we had planned turned out to be difficult to prepare and took a long long time to serve. The kids had to set up their tents after dark, and due to their exhaustion the set up didn't go smoothly at all. Finally dinner and camp set up was done...and then..the magic happened.

We built a campfire. The teens from the bus, their helpers and chaperones, and the local people who were helping gathered around the fire. The fire glinted off faces of different colors and off faces with various disfigurements. We sat for a few moments and watched the fire, wound down from the hecticness of the earlier evening. And people began to speak. As each person stood to speak, there was motion and a murmur from around the fire. The speaker's words were being translated around the fire so all of us could hear. The deaf people were watching their translaters turn the words into motions. The ones who didn't speak english were listening as the english words were turned into words from their lands. All around the fire people from different places and with different handicaps (because we all have them) were communicating. And it was beautiful. Suddenly the faces were all beautiful. The boy from Kenya who had a skin disease and had white blotches all over his face listened intently as the girl from Sweden with no arms talked about how she felt being there. The boy with Down's syndrome told us how pretty the fire was, and we all agreed with tears in our eyes.

For me, however, the best was yet to come. We made s'mores. A group of boy scouts had come up and cut willow sticks so each of the people there could cook marshmallows over the fire and experience the wonder of a truly well made s'more. The teenagers, in their wheelchairs and with their various missing limbs moved closer to the fire. The concept was explained to them and they were each given a stick. And my three year old son...was given the important task of circulating with the bag of marshmallows and helping these teens thread the marshmallows on the sticks. Watching my child move from person to person, watching his natural ability to accept each of those people exactly as they were, watching the joy and wonderment that they had with his bright red hair...those things will stay in my heart and memory forever. My son knew something that the rest of us were having to work to relearn.

Today is the first day of Summer classes in Brooklyn College. So far, I have paid my tuition leaving me with close to $300. However, I have registered for two vital classes - Photography 1, and a course on writing essays.

I woke up at 0600, a surprise since I usually slack off with the clock radio blaring 1010 WINS (one of the local news stations) and the computer automatically fired up for a half-hour from 0700 until I wake up.

The first class was the essay class. Everybody had to introduce themselves by making a long sentence, with each student adding their name and an object that starts with the letter of the same name... "My grandmother went to California, and she packed elephants for Erica, kittens for Kit, marbles for Marina," and so on...

The second class was Photography 1. The only gripe I had with this class is the fact that credits for this class add to the requirements for art majors but not TV&Radio majors. I took Photo 1 because of the prevalence of camera use in both the art and TV worlds. Besides, my favorite photographers are Eric Kroll, Richard Kern and the late Robert Mapplethorpe.

The classroom for Photo 1 was filled with guys and girls. I sat next a girl named Candace, and I introduced myself to her. During the class break (it's a five-hour lecture), we talked about ourselves while strolling through the campus. Okay, she's not exactly Didi Rissman, but she's nice.

The professor, Paul Sheridan, gave a lecture on the history of photography, the elements of photography (Light, Aperture, Shutter speed, and (film) Sensitivity), a bit of the technical figures and measurements used in photography, and a tour to the darkroom. Since I paid the lab fee today, I got a free roll of film to be used this Wednesday.

Paul asked me if I knew where is B&H Photo, a big photography store in New York City. Since I knew where to go, he proposed a get-together in Sunday morning for students to buy supplies together. I asked Candace if she can go, and she might go. Besides, everybody has to buy supplies (paper and film), right? In Wednesday, I'll ask Paul if he can set up the meeting in a diner for breakfast before shopping...

Rhapsody in Screwed :: Part VII
06.04.01 :: 18:17

started class today. i like the professor already; she's a short southern italian woman with an excellent sense of humour. in addition to which, she gave us fridays off. i'm thrilled. i neither have werk nor class on fridays now.

i tried to make two phone calls this evening, but failed to reach both people i wanted to talk to. i left a message for one, but i chickened out oun the second; i don't think his housemate likes me, and i don't want to start a fight.

on the brighter side, i went to see the podiatrist today, and got my new arch supports. i can walk again! it's a great feeling not to be limping like a clubfooted hunchback. on the downside, i cursed about having to get my shoes reheeled, and promptly sprained my ankle. back to the old drawing board...

more updates as things occur. i promise :)

I woke up this morning feeling a bit less crap than the day before. You see, I have been ill recently, down with a chest infection, and possibly a case of the flu, and the worst of it was a couple of days ago, but since then I have been improving. I was almost back to normal today. Almost. My body still feels heavy and warm, and I am still coughing up flem. Yuck. But then again, I think tomorrow I will feel even better. The bugs are on their way out. I just know it.

After waking up I wandered gently around the house, and was a bit shocked to see it was already a quarter to 12. Wow. Lunch time already. I resolved that because I was feeling a little better that I would put into plan all the things I had in mind when I went to sleep last night. Top of the agenda was to fill out an urgent form for the Student Loans People and send it off poste-haste, if you will excuse the pun. I went and had breakfast, watched some pointless tv. Had a shower, got changed and went to the place where I put the form. It wasn't there. After hassling the other people in my house for moving my stuff for a couple of hours (bad thing to do, I know, but the form was IMPORTANT, and VERY URGENT) I got the form and filled it out. By this time I had an omlette for lunch as well. I sat and ate, and then my father said he wished to take the car. I wanted to go into Belfast, but then again, I thought I could wait, I was going to phone him when I was ready, but he would only have to close up shop a half-hour before closing time anyway, so I gave the whole thing a miss.

I listened to some rather interesting conversations between him and a few others at lunch, and they gave me time to think. For instance, our insurance company hasn't given us the cheque they owe us for our last car, so my father gave them a very hard time, think huge guilt trip and magnify till your imagination bursts. My father is good at that, being Asian. Then he was speaking to my uncle, who has all the financial skills of a particularly bad Nick Leeson type. It seems that he wasn't looking after things well, and needed my father's help. Odd to see the interplay of emotion and cold hard financial fact between them. They parted on good terms, but my uncle was so nervous that he phoned our house three times before realizing that he was dialling the same number as last time, and that the number he should have been dialing was on the other side of the paper. See what I mean? I love the man, but I do worry about him.

Father returned after work, and I sorted out most of what I needed to do in Belfast over the phone. This was good as it gave us time to watch the Cricket. 3 Day test match between Pakistan and England, one of the best cricket matches in a long long time. England were actually putting on a show of being competent and Pakistan were doing their best to shine. I was quite good fun to watch. Very peaceful as well. Cricket has a way of lulling you that is seductive. It eats up so much time. You get up at the end of a game and realize you have been watching it for six hours non-stop. Luckily that didn't happen here. All the wickets started to come down for Pakistan, and England were knocked our with 130 runs to reach their goal of 370 before they were all out. I enjoyed it. Then I faffed about for a while, had some dinner, read some books. Watched more TV, played on the computer and took it easy until late that evening when I learnt that the Mercedes' seat had been fixed and I could drive it again.

I took it out for a spin, in to Belfast, near Queens, and got some work done. It felt great to be in the car by myself after such a long time (two years nearly) and on the way back I went into Tesco's and bought some Vienneta for celebration. We ate, I noded. More TV. Nice chat with sister, and here I am 1.49AM! Good night, sweet dreams...

Some days are better than others -- U2

As a pet owner and a geek, today was better because my parrot learned to mimic the modem noises. Louis is inquisitive and has a lot of time on a little brain. He enjoys high pitched noises, as well as repetitive ones. Within a week of getting a new bell toy, he learned to mimic the bell (which, btw, is annoying as hell). He also knows the telephone ring and even says "Hello" when the phone rings.

Louis also happens to have his cage in the same room as one of the computers, which is a really stupid idea because parrots love to destroy anything they can get ahold of. Louis has already done us the favor of leaving his magic touch on the moldings, shutters, clothes, chair seats, and paper. His creme de la creme includes the destruction of the keyboard cable, my headphones, and a handmade napkin holder from Guatemala.

Being in the computer room for most of the day, Louis is privy to all the computer noises. The modem noise is very unique, ergo Louis picks it up. Last night while eating dinner, Louis breaks out in his usual cacaphony, but belts out a new one: the modem. A bird's recitation of it is not exact, but it is amusing.

My next goal is to teach Louis some new words worth being taught, like endothermic. Louis should know by now that he is endothermic. Anyways, it does make for a good conversation starter.

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