I've been staying up until 4-5 am every night now for the past week. I can't seem to sleep as well as I used to. My dreams are haunted by my past memories and scary monsters. I like e2, I really do, only I feel as though people brush me off as a 12 year old in an 18 year old body. I can't help but have fun (in my opinion). I've been spending a lot of time in the IRC channel of everything, maybe I shouldn't, all that seems to happen is someone yells at me, or calls me some name, or makes some comment about me. And maybe I should just not care, but I can't. It's like tiny pitchforks in my head, poking away at my thoughts. At least I think some people care about me now. There's always my parents but then again they left me alone for Thanksgiving AND New Year's Eve. Maybe I'm just not as wanted as I would like to be. Someone once told me that I play around too much, and maybe that's the case, maybe I need to be all serious as if I was wearing a suit and tie to e2 everyday. Maybe I need to make a new account and not tell anyone my name....

Well, well. Got back from Florida today. Eight and a half hours in the car is enough to drive anyone crazy. I must say that I'm disappointed with the trip. Didn't do a damn thing down there that I couldn't have done right here in NC. But it was good to see friends. The weather sucked! It was as cold down there as it was up here...I thought Florida was supposed to be warm in December!

Here's a little run down of the trip.
Arrive. Watch friends get drunk.
Next night: Watch friends get drunk, loud, and really annoying. Dog licked my face while I was sleeping.
Next night: Tried to go to hockey game. Got lost. Went bowling instead.
Next night: Drove to Daytona Beach in search of fun. Found only a club that cost $70 a person. Played pool instead, then went on the beach and watched fireworks. Froze my ass off, but the beach was pretty.
Drove home.

Today I'll be able to go home!! I've been in this place for what seems to be weeks, sleeping on the couch. At least they have a computer, too bad they use AOL!! It's been hard for me to get online but I do manage to. It's been a restless New Year's and I am happy to throw it all away and go back to the sanctity of my room in my house. I will be able to sleep on my bed for the first time in weeks. Oh joy, oh bliss, oh happy day!

15:46 AEST

Back to work today, and it's not been so bad. Tech support staff are on vacation still so I'm covering the skeleton staff's techsports needs. Diagnosed (by telephone) a failed lamp in the drum scanner, fixed a user's login problem, brushed up on my BRU, and taught myself Arkeia, which I installed onto my home server galaga to give it a run. Much easier (ie, graphical) front end for it's backup functions, which is what I like to leave for the support team. I figure that if there if there are nice X Window System admin tools to the servers, as well as SSH'able command line tools, then at times of crisis they're able to get up quicker. Plus, it's cool to make yourself redundant.

Got the call from IBM that badtz my new ThinkPad is back from repair with the second memory module being recognised. I picked it up from the depot and got it back here to find that the 15" LCD display had been smashed and the chassis was cracked. Very poor show. Full credit to IBM, though, they re-admitted poor badtz without any quibble, and were careful to apologise. There was not even a hint of accusation that I might have damaged my new baby. I like IBM very much.

So glad to see that odious troll Son of GORTICIAN nuked, vapourised, destroyed, cremated, and gone. Full credit and thanks to the management. Today, as if to balance the nasty feelings of revenge that I was brewing against the troll, didn't a new 11 year old noder walk across my path. Sour is real cool, she's noding her feelings and observations of life and living things, and is taking gentle mentoring extremely well. She's sweet, and I'd recommend some of her stuff to you, like A wild rabbit's intelligence or true friendship.

10:05

OK, I'm tired, but alive. =)

I just woke up, and I think I'll go shopping for some Widgets...

This morning's Cool-gathering GTKYN seems to be Stupidest thing you've coded just to see if you could. Well, um...

...pretty hard to tell which one of these is more stupid than others. For example, just last night I got an idea to code quicksort program in Pilot... =)

16:21

The 'net was down for more than an hour so I couldn't come here...

Anyway, I now have a DVD player! First movie I got? Why, Matrix of course... =)

17:32

What the hell?

Recently I wrote about my new shiny Palm m100 in daylogs. And guess what? Someone spammed me about Palm software on CD-ROM. (No, it was Not Endorsed By Palm Computing or any other Big Entity. How can I tell? Spammer disclaimers a la Murky Bill Reference at the bottom... fake E-mail...)

And today? Well, someone spammed me about a DVD player.

Are the spammers reading the daylogs, or is this just a weird coincidence???

23:32

Today's X-Files episode was kind of cool. It had live action computer games in it. Even when it had absurdities in it (not a surprise from the US entertainment industry), it was fairly interesting... in a Ghost in the Machine way.

Just like that movie, the episode was interesting, the concept was interesting, but technologically both were just absurd. Has there been any good "Something truly wicked is happening to our computers" movies?

... The Linu(X) Files: The Source Is Out There


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: When Everything2 Goes Mainstream Frank Murkowski Ghost in the Machine

December 13, 2000

Dear Nathan:

We have completed our early review of your application and have decided to hold it for comparison with those of the students who will be applying in January. Please do not feel too discouraged by this. The majority of students who applied under Early Action were deferred since the Admissions Committee is very conservative in its early offers of admission. Of those held from year to year, well over one hundred have subsequently been admitted in March, so we know that we are deferring many excellent applicants whom we will want to admit later.

Please forward the enclosed form to your Guidance Office to assure our receipt of your mid-year semester grades.

In the meantime, stay focused on your life and try not to worry. We will write again by late March after a further review of your application.

Sincerely,

------ -------
Dean of Admissions

It was a hot, balmy summer night when the skies opened up. We were on the dam in Katonah, NY, so there was no shelter within easy reach with the exception of my friend's car at the far end of the dam. We ran there and jumped into the car soaked.

For reasons unknown, we decided to run around the deserted and dark dam in the thunderstorm sans our clothes. We ran out into the storm, tossed our clothes back into the car and ran down the length of the dam.

The dam was long, but the run was fun.

And boy was the rain cold-- yes, that's my excuse.

4:32pm - still in pajamas. I'm not saying that I blame e2 in any sort of direct fashion for the fact that I haven't cooked a meal or had a decent night's sleep in ages, and the fact that my brain is so wonked I almost noded this on January 2, 2000. My roommate checked the mail and what do we have here? My 2000 tax package, lovingly sent from Ottawa. Alarm sets in quicker than a hot knife through butter in August and I am currently taking this as an omen to get the fuck out of my house before the sun sets or before they come after me, whichever comes first.

10:32pm - got out of pajamas, watched the x-men movie and am currently pleased that one of my roommates also thinks that there's something very, very attractive about Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, kind of in that "this guy should not be in any way appealing" sort of way. For my sins, I am being punished, it would appear, with the flu.
Last night, listening to my music and looking at my books, I wanted to go for a walk, so I decided I would do it today.

I've been thinking about what I really do want to do with my life..do I want to transfer? Is it just something I talk about but am too scared to actually do? What do I want as far as religion and relationships? Which of all the things that I want to do do I actually want to do? I need that walk to listen to myself, and not anyone else. To think things through without anyone's brilliant opinions or ideas to influence me.

And yet, today...I am going shopping with Jen, going to dinner with Andie, (probably do a bit more noding), going to the Diner with Sara and Joel...and then I will probably end up seeing Aaron and Jesse since they will be back from snowboarding...

And no walk.

I want to see them--I do. But I need to think. I need air to breathe and time to think and decide...so maybe tomorrow...I will get my walk.

Snow is the pediestrian's mortal enemy.
Got up and went to my dagblasted infernal winter vaction job. QA sucks, i've done it before, but QA scripting with this crap, this beast, SilkTest by Segue inc seriously pushes it. At least I'll have book money for next semester

The walk to work from the train station was 50% more grueling than it has normally been, mainly due to the two feet of unshoveled snow laying around all over the place. I decieded that walking through the snow and having my toes freeze off is by far much safer than walking in the street and ending up underneath the wheels of a New Jersey Transit bus.

Today's work was a little more productive than usual. I listened to the anime sound track minidisc I made yesterday all day while working, mainly the songs I pulled from my Bubblegum Crisis tapes and the one Pizzicato 5 song I tossed in there, Hikari no tsubasa . I really love BGC. We want the soldier girls! We want the soldier girls! (said in your best engrish voice)

Margaritas with my sister. the perfect time to summarize the past few days.

Friday I worked. I was away from my phone and had left my cell phone at home so I was incommunicado with the Man. Despite, I knew her and him were flying in from Boston later that night. I was worried about her... The history of that is too much to go into, but I was worried. I didn't think I'd have a whole lot of fun over the weekend. But I did. It took me a bit to un-tense. While waiting for him and her to arrive, the Man and I went grocery and liquor shopping, and then to get dinner. At dinner I had a couple of tequilas, which significantly loosened me up. Called dad and step-mom. we were supposed to get together, but decided with up to a foot of snow in the forcast we decided to cancel.

When him and her arrived a short while later I was genuinely happy to see them both. We soon got down to business and partied a whole lot harder than we maybe should have. But I'll be goddamned if it wasn't a whole lot of fun.

Into the Saturday morning we partied, waiting for the "Blizzard of 2000" to strike the east coast. It never struck. And only four hours after we went to bed (6:45AM) my sister called and said that dad and step-mom wanted to get togther since zero snowflakes had touched the ground. Since I was awake and it was daylight I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep... and since everyone else would probably sleep the entire day, I decided to head back to Maryland to meet with the dad and his wife. It went surprisingly well. Got a big pile of Christmas gifts/

'Bout five o'clock I went back to Virginia and found him and her had just awoken. So we began partying again.

Into [Sunday morning we partied. Knowing I had to work Monday left me feeling I should head home New Year's Eve... but I didn't. I stayed because the partying was exactly what I needed to wind down from a tough stint at work.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Then I went to sleep, knowing I'd need to leave fairly early in the morning. I woke up Monday morning, have him and her a hug goodbye, then headed to work, then home for a nap, then back to work for just a few minutes. Slept soundly.

And today was a good work day. Got a call around noon from my sister inviting me over for chile and margaritas. Got silly. Let the dogs play. Came home around eight o'clock and am now writing a day log. Though the past two weeks have been tough both physically and mentally I've never found my career so satisfying and rewarding. It's been a fabulous end of 2000 and beginning of 2001.

Peace on Earth


whoah. 2001. whoah.


OH OTHER GOOD STUFF!!

My opuntia is sprouting new pads, one per existing pad, and one pad have two new ones. My sempervivum is growing what I believe is an inflorescence... meaning it should bloom within the next few months. It may be entering a period of senescence (meaning though it hasn't flowered, it is in it's before-death stage), but I'm leaning towards optimism. My kalanchoe is doing fabulously, and my jade plant is showing lots of new growth.

On a completely unrelated note, every time I watch the television show Titus, I think about my family. Mom's been in the boobie hatch quite a bit... And although dad's only been married twice, we found out after the divorce that dad had been playing stinky pinky with other women for years before hand. Knowing the television story line matches Christopher Titus' makes it a touch more close to home... It's interesting seeing someone else express their ideas about life with a nuts-o mom and a slut dad.
This is me, tearfully pressing myself up to the monitor.

My Grandma died. She was not strong enough to take the tubes and respirator and they found a blood clot and she also had pneumonia. I am pressing myself into the screen because I need a hug. REALLY REALLY BAD.

This whole thing does not make sense to me. I am very sad and inarticulate. I imagine my Grandpa wandering around his big new house, lonely. Packing up her things. Finding the Christmas cards she stashed before she went into the hospital on the 20th of December. What will he do? I am glad Grandma is no longer doped up on morphine. I imagine her free and weightless, ageless and full of joy. It is really for the left over people that I grieve. We are the ones looking haggard, making dreaded phone calls, feeling stunned by weird changes.

I struggle to capture in words who my Grandma was, what she did for eighty years. I can not catch her. She slips through. I can not spell her laugh.

Grandma, exit stage left. That’s me, Grandma, clapping like mad. I want an encore. I want one last “aw shucks”, one more time where you spread your garage sale treasures before me and I exclaim joyously that whatever you have found is exactly what I have always wanted.

I hate to say it but I was glad to go home. I love being with Ben but the relationship with his family is a bit strained. I am as polite and flexible as possible but it seems that no matter how far I stretch myself, they never know what to do with me so they don't really accept me. There was this one time when I was leaving and his elderly grandmother said "You come to Chinese Christmas" in her best English. I knew she meant New Years... it was a warm moment since the only other thing she ever says to me is that I leave my barettes all over the place and that my shoelaces are untied or... there was the dramatic time when I used her towel by mistake. Aside from this one brief encounter with his Grandma, I feel like a complete failure when it comes to relating to Ben's family and I am always afraid he will want to break up with me because of it.

J drove me home and I did most of the talking as J is introverted. J scratched at the steering wheel a lot when he talked about his art dream. That is how I can tell it matters to him even if he doesn't express it very well with words. I got home and my roommate was in a bad mood. He kept saying all negative shit, then finally he said I gave him a "bitch gift" for Christmas when I thought it was quite thoughtful and witty. I blew up. That was it. Meltdown. Fireball. Thundaga. It was so dramatic. I emptied out the entire hall closet and flung all of the stuff (shoes and coats) onto my bed while screaming "OH SO NOTHING OF MINE CAN BE ANYWHERE IN THE HOUSE EHHHHH!" Graceful, articulate shit like that. I stormed out and clumsily went for food at an abandoned Chinese restaurant since there was nowhere else to go and I was so hungry from not eating all day.

I rushed to the bathroom at the end of my meal and cried for about ten minutes, thinking "How did it end up like this. I have no one else to blame but myself. There are so many problems I created that I simply cannot solve." Unhappy shit like that. I was thinking of Ben's family, my family and the roommate relationship. It then got so dark and so suicidal. I put a twenty dollar bill on the table and scurried away. I cried all the way up Bank Street, turning my head away from concerned or curious on-lookers. I walked around the block several times and finally ended up at the coffee shop. After I spilled my drink all over the place, I went home and apologized to Dave. He was surprisingly amicable and extremely reasonable.

Unfortunately for my brain and for my future, the dark, sad, painful thoughts I was tearfully thinking about in the bathroom were all true. My life is fucked up and going nowhere. I have to somehow manage it all without always turning out to be the loser.

--over and out--

12:29am

I finally asked Sara out on a date, and she accepted!

I started the night unsure of how she felt about me. We exchanged quite a few emails in the past two weeks, but none of them led me in any obvious way to know how she felt about me. But as soon as I walked in to meet her, she gave me a big hug. She stood and sat by me most of the time and even flirted with me. I was suprised. This made asking her out so much easier.

I now feel like I can do anything.

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to dream. Reality is being kind to me for once, and for once I want to stay in it!

Less than 3 months ago, I was depressed all the time. All I wanted to do was sleep because my dreams were the only place good things happened to me. I was the most introverted, anti-social person you can imagine. I worked, came home, ate, slept, and got up again to work. That was it.

I didn't realize what little initative it would take for me to improve my life so much. I regret that I didn't take the initative sooner, but I dont think I could have done it by myself; my friends/co-workers stepped into my life and changed it forever. My friends helped me greatly to gain my self-confidence, I owe them so much. I cannot begin to describe my gratitude. It's amazing what impact a simple positive daily suggestion can have on you. Never underestimate the power of giving an occasional complement.

I have to thank everyone on here for your postive feedback to my daylogs. This activity has played a major part in developing my new outlook on life and has helped me tremendously to develop a clear and honest channel of communication with myself.

I have achieved what I thought was impossible. Today is graduation day.

"The true test of character is not how much we know how to do,
but how we behave when we don't know what to do."

-John Holt

Today's date is Dad's birthday . I called him up to wish him a Happy Birthday and we talked for a bit. My sister fell on the ice and broke her leg, Lute Olsen's wife died, and he's had a particulary abundant crop of bok choy in his garden this year. So much so he's been cooking and taking it over to Nellie a widowed neighbor he's decided to look after...that is so much like him, he's a good man and a fantastic father. I couldn't have asked for a better one. Even now he spends time doing things with me. He was born in 1929 the youngest of nine children and the second son, raised and spoiled rotten by seven sisters. His childhood was spent during the depression at a time when peppermint sticks and a dime were a delight to find under the tree on Christmas morning. In a place called Lometa, Texas where the only family in town who had a car would leave the keys in the ignition for neighbors to borrow to carry groceries home from the store.

...and you know I never see his humor coming...He said
I'm trying a new plant in the garden and I want to see how it grows.....it's called up dock he says...
What's up dock? I asked.
ooooooooh hahaha Dad a good one!!! I'd taken the bait.
Where did you hear that one?
and then he told me about a pilot who was a POW at the Hanoi Hilton during the Vietnam War who was being interrogated and asked where he was from....

Nebraska he replied.
What do you do in Nebraska? the interrogater wanted to know.
We raise corn, wheat, and up-dock. he replied.

Of course the interrogator went onto concentrate his his efforts on the other prisoners by inquiring to one and all....
What's up doc???

Kind of dark humor huh Dad...? I remarked
Yea... he agreed, they had to be that way or they wouldn't have survived. They depended on humor and tapping out the stories of their lives and any news they'd heard in Morse Code on the walls, the isolation was their biggest enemy....and of course he won't tell me WHO told him that story.

The best definition of a hero I've ever come up with is a man or woman who does what they can.
Happy Birthday Dad!

A Father's Arms

You saw how the LORD your God carried you, just as one carries a child, all the way that you traveled until you reached this place.
- Deuteronomy 1:31 (NRSV)

Devotion

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