I hate to say it but I was glad to go home. I
love being with Ben but the relationship with his
family is a bit strained. I am as polite and
flexible as possible but it seems that no matter how far I stretch myself, they never know what to do with me so they don't really accept me. There was this one time when I was leaving and his elderly grandmother said "You come to Chinese Christmas" in her best
English. I knew she meant New Years... it was a warm
moment since the only other thing she ever says to me is that I leave my barettes all over the place and that my shoelaces are untied or... there was the dramatic
time when I used her towel by mistake. Aside from this one brief encounter with his Grandma, I feel like a complete
failure when it comes to relating to Ben's family and I am always afraid he will want to break up with me because of it.
J drove me home and I did most of the talking as J is introverted. J scratched at the steering wheel a lot when he talked about his art dream. That is how I can tell it matters to him even if he doesn't express it very well with words. I got home and my roommate was in a bad mood. He kept saying all negative shit, then finally he said I gave him a "bitch gift" for Christmas when I thought it was quite thoughtful and witty. I blew up. That was it. Meltdown. Fireball. Thundaga. It was so dramatic. I emptied out the entire hall closet and flung all of the stuff (shoes and coats) onto my bed while screaming "OH SO NOTHING OF MINE CAN BE ANYWHERE IN THE HOUSE EHHHHH!" Graceful, articulate shit like that. I stormed out and clumsily went for food at an abandoned Chinese restaurant since there was nowhere else to go and I was so hungry from not eating all day.
I rushed to the bathroom at the end of my meal and cried for about ten minutes, thinking "How did it end up like this. I have no one else to blame but myself. There are so many problems I created that I simply cannot solve." Unhappy shit like that. I was thinking of Ben's family, my family and the roommate relationship. It then got so dark and so suicidal. I put a twenty dollar bill on the table and scurried away. I cried all the way up Bank Street, turning my head away from concerned or curious on-lookers. I walked around the block several times and finally ended up at the coffee shop. After I spilled my drink all over the place, I went home and apologized to Dave. He was surprisingly amicable and extremely reasonable.
Unfortunately for my brain and for my future, the dark, sad, painful thoughts I was tearfully thinking about in the bathroom were all true. My life is fucked up and going nowhere. I have to somehow manage it all without always turning out to be the loser.
--over and out--