note: for some reason, the above w/u was removed. I'm pretty sure that teleny asked for it to be removed, as I don't think it was delete-worthy material to an editor/god. (Update 2002 - I have been told it was reposted under Giving a handjob to a woman). My w/u may now seem a bit strange, dissing a non-existent w/u. So I'll outline what teleny wrote. She started off by saying that this is a node by a woman, so "take notes, guys". Then she proceeded to explain how women feel and enjoy handjobs.
She did mention one really important thing, though, and that alone is worth keeping the node for:

Always make sure your hands are clean, and that your nails are trimmed I didn't write that up originally, because teleny had, but if there's anything to remember from this node, that is it. Vaginas are sensitive. And urinary tract infections and other ailments woman can get in that area are no fun. While I'm on the subject, once you touch the anus with a finger or a penis or whatever, stay away from the vagina. Simple rule. Safety first. And now, my original w/u:

Um.... no.

The above w/u should be entitled: How to give teleny a handjob. And I think it portrays the problem with Women giving men guidelines on how to pleasure women. I've been having this discussion with my roommate for a while now. Women always seem to think that because they are women, they know how women want to be treated. Horsemanure and poppycock! Every woman knows what she enjoys. And that's it. Unless she's a lesbian. (But let's not go there, not here, at least).

How should I put it, teleny? (And please don't take offense if it seems like I'm attacking you. I am, of course, but it's not personal. It's against all women who think they know what all other women like). All you know is how one woman likes it (you), (and what you've talked about with your female friends). I know how all the women I've given handjobs to like it, (and what I've talked about with my female friends). Which probably means that I (being a man) actually have more experience than you (being a woman) on this topic.

Now I may or may not have given handjobs to more than 270 women. And I may or may not have heard the phrase "Could you take your fingers out, it's a bit uncomfortable," and I may or may not have had women scorn at the idea of lubricant (are you disgusted to use saliva?). I may or may not have given handjobs to women unable to orgasm with fingers inside their vagina and I may or may not have given handjobs to women unable to orgasm without fingers inside.

The innermost third does not necessarily open up to accomodate Mr. Cock et al.

Working the nipples may simply annoy the flying jibberoons out of her (assuming she has flying jibberoons). It does not necessarily help contractions.

And she will not necessarily perceptibly contract when she comes. (Thanks for the correction, fnordian).

I hate to get all Pop Sexology on your ass, but everybody is different. No two women are the same. And if you follow the above guidelines you might very well be disappointed or surprised. So figure out what your woman likes and do that.

As I'm already on the subject, I might as well share some of my limited wisdom on the subject, for real beginners. Some you might want to trys, and some these might be a bad ideas:

You might want to try
  • Mixing in cunnilingus. It is the easiest form (i.e. does not require preparation) of lubrication, and usually also arouses.

  • Different movements on the clitoris - I once read in a women's magazine (I was in a doctor's waiting room, don't take the mickey), that a woman was really tired of her husband's monotonous motions. You may want to vary around. On the other hand (no pun intended), I may or may not have had a woman tell me "could you please make up your mind." And she may have meant that she needed monotonous motions to come. As they say: Different strokes for different folks.

  • Vaginal and/or anal stimulation. I'm not even going to start to list the options. Suffice to say each woman is a totally different story.

  • You might want to try different parts of your hand, for different effects. The thumb feels different from the finger, which feels different from the base of the palm. You have different control over each, they cover different surface areas, etc.

  • You'll probably want to pick up the rhythm from the woman. If your lucky, once she's excited, she'll sway with the rhythm she wants (her "resonant frequency"). Latch on to that. Resonant frequencies are cool. Hopefully, it will have the same effect as resonant frequencies in nature.

  • Clitoral pressure which causes pleasure or pain varies vastly between women. Some women want you to flicker over it lightly, like a feather, other will want you to bulldoze it. Don't be fixated on one type of stimulation just because it was good for your last girlfriend.

These might be bad ideas
  • Attacking the clitoris. It's very sensitive usually. As Monty Python said "What about a little kiss? Hmm? Boy". This is especially true for an unlubricated clitoris.

  • Attacking (or maybe even touching) the area between the clitoris and vagina. Especially unlubricated. For some women it is like rubbing them with sandpaper.

  • Attacking in general. If this is your first handjob, and you're following teleny's advice, you'll probably get your partner really fucking nervous with all the vaginal and anal probing. If you even touch a woman's ass she might curl up like a hedgehog. Better to be too gentle than too rough.

All that done and said, teleny's writeup is well written and informative to the point that you realise it is just one woman's perspective. While mine may or may not be 270 women's perpectives. I don't mean to totally diss teleny's w/u, just to point out what's wrong with it. But this women who think they know what pleases all women phenomenon has gone too far. And don't misunderstand me - the men who think they know what pleases all men phenomenon has gone just as far, and it's just as annoying, but that's a topic for another node.

I definitely agree with what Footprints has to say about people being different, and on some of the specifics of what may differ...

(And here's another) However..

"And she will not necessarily contract when she comes."

Yes, she will; everyone (with normal anatomy) has muscular contractions when they have an orgasm. It is part of the biological definition of an orgasm; it is a necessary condition to define something as an orgasm. If she's a-moanin' and a-groanin' but isn't contracting, she may be having a good time but not actually coming, or she might be faking an orgasm. I'm not going to say everyone has contractions in the same way, but, barring major physiological differences, it's pretty darn close.

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